This is going to be my take on all the relational advice that can be had just about anywhere on the internet, no matter your flavor, be it google, yahoo or MSN, if you follow their websites at all or any of their daily “spotlights” on their respective homepages, sooner or later you’ll see some article listing any given number of things on relationships, from the five signs that you’re a bad friend, to the seven milestones on a good romance, or anything else you can think of, regarding relationships and the countless (or so it seems) intricacies that make up their workings.
Given the fact that I'm a bit of a people watcher, have seen WAY too many TV shows and movies, played more than a few Video games, and have had a wide range of relationships (and endings there of) I feel that while hardly an expert on the subject (THERE IS NO SUCH THING!) I am nonetheless in a position, to at least offer my thoughts on the matter, as I also am fairly good at picking apart things, and at reading and reviewing history and the actions that where taken in the past, and forming up ideas and options on how things work, and why things happen as they do, and even, in some cases how to avoid unpleasantness.
Also, this will REALLY be more than five, as I’ll do a list for both genders, rather than two lists, or a total a unisex list, as doing something so unified, or separated, about the stupidest thing I’ve ever witnessed in all my trolling, since CLEARLY, males and females are NOT THE SAME BEAST, at all, aside from both being human, and having a few of the same basic needs that go along with that, so while there is some overlap, there is enough that does not to warrant some separation.
Since I am a bit chauvinistic, and old school chivalrous, (for you ultra mega liberals, read: sexist) and basically, a male, (gasp!) I’ll start with the ladies first, and then work my way into guys, since yes, there are some things that apply to both sides of the relational coin, AND while I still believe that a shotgun method isn’t the smartest, it does make some sense, however the application of said points, will not be the same for both genders
SO item the first, DO NOT:
1.) Take your partner for granted, ever.
Right here we see likely the biggest complaint of long-term relationships that go sour, despite years of relations (your context/mileage may vary) and an assumed, well established base, the simple fact is, people change, not at their core, not in their heart, but the other things, tastes, ideas, options, perceptions, all the secondary stuff that helps define a person, can, and many times, will change, for example; Say a person loves a certain kind of music more than any other. Then they hear something else, and it sparks their interest, from there interest turns into a preference in taste. No big deal right? Well… yes and no, one’s taste in music is hardly an earth shaking change, but the principle stands that when you buy them a Jay-Z album, and they have migrated over to say the southern or alt rock scene and would RATHER get a Buckcherry or 3 Doors Down CD, there is the simple fact that they may feel like you’re not paying attention, and you feel like you don’t know them anymore, all it is really, is that one of you changed, and the other one wasn’t involved enough to catch it, and the person that changed, didn’t speak up and inform the other of the change.
In all of life, communication is the key, and that’s why this is the first point.
For girls, this means, DON’T ASSUME HE KNOWS WHAT YOUR THINKING! Especially when there are times, you yourself don’t even know what the hell is going on inside your own head, and don’t get mad at me, a dude, saying that about girls, but if you can be perfectly honest with yourself for a few minuets, you’ll realize that on some level, I'm right, and trust me, I can say that for two reasons, one, it’s the way you girls act sometimes, and two, I’ve heard lots of girls admit that there are times, the feel like they are crazy psycho bitches and they have no clue why, and they don’t like it.
Chalk it up to God, evolution and Mother Nature playing a nasty trick on you with the way your brain reacts to the hormones your body makes. And guys deal with that to a much lesser extent as well girls, so we can’t judge you too harshly (even though we likely will)
Guys, I’m calling you all out, and I’m preaching to myself here too, DON’T THINK THAT JUST BECAUSE YOU MENTION IT IN PASSING, SHE HAS REGESTERED IT AS YOUR HOLY WRIT! Realize guys that you need to open your freaking mouth and tell her stuff, and on the other side of it, when a girl says “we need to talk” she does NOT always mean, “there is a problem” Yes we’re wired to fix things, and talking is the first step to that end, but holy testacies on a gram cracker boys, just because God gave you tools between your legs, does not mean that talking is when we need to think with the one between our ears to the point that the one between our legs takes over and we act like ass-hats.
Bearing in mind, when a guy wants to talk about a personal problem, we come at it from the side, mention it in passing, while occupying our hands and our minds, distracting them long enough for our heart to take its chance and expose the issue, and mostly we just want to make another person aware of the fact that, we’re not almighty all powerful great wonderful fixer up’ers of the world that we would love to be.
As a rule, we want some empathy, and some direct, simple advice on the matter, and then we want to move on from the subject onto the next thing, and if we should be able to dig deeper into the matter, and really talk it out, girls, don’t bitch if we talk at length about the matter and totally disassemble every fucking detail to the point where YOU wonder who has the tits ass and uterus in the relationship.
Its very hard for us guys to totally level with you girls, if we do it, then it is because we trust you, and value your input, because we care about you on some level that is meaningful to us.
Do NOT ignore abuse or squander that… Ever.
Item the second, DO NOT:
2.) Allow the lines of communication to break down or become slow.
Okay, since I devoted a WHOLE blog post to this recently, I won’t waste time covering all of that ground again, but, I will add this, as I mentioned and hinted at above, make sure you are clear with your words, and pay attention to what is going on and being said around you.
Also, realize that, as I hinted at before, guys and girls communicate in different ways, and for different reasons, and even at different times and in specific contexts, so be aware of yourself and how you prefer to communicate, and how your relationships interact with you and others.
Item the third, DO NOT:
3.) Be overly enthusiastic about a member of the opposite sex, other than your significant other .
This one…
Okay, let me say that from personal experience, there is a RIGHT way, and a WRONG way to tell your significant other about your new acquaintance or co-worker or classmate or random friend, and this is coming from being on BOTH ends of this equation, as the sender and the receiver of such an exchange.
Girls, make sure than when telling your guy about the funny interesting, guy you met at (insert context here) and how much you two may or may not have in common, that you keep it short, simple and sweet, and that you don’t allow your voice to bubble and that your not gushing.
When we as guys hear that bubbly gushing girly enthusiasm, we equate it to interest, and while you might in fact be interested in that other person, because they are, well, interesting, (mostly due to the fact that they are someone/thing NEW) and that’s about all of your vested interest, we are, as males, severely handicapped in understanding the subtleties between common human interest, and anything even approaching romantic, or sexual or emotional interest.
We also are hardwired to be jealous, territorial and extremely protective over our mates and or partners (be the context plural or singular, romantic or simply associational) and when that part of the male mind that DEMANDS faithfulness kicks in, kiddo’s girls can talk about being “Fierce” all they want, but there are not too many tales of singular, or even group based bad-assery that involve women.
I mean, really now, the book, and movie “300” was inspired by a real event, and I didn’t see a single pair of boobs or any luscious girl legs out there, it was a bunch of smelly oily sweaty MEN who kicked ass, took names, and in the end, gave their lives for their family’s their city, and the ideals they held dear.
I'm not saying girls can’t be brave, I’m just saying, guys are more likely to do it, do it right, and do it epically.
As well as stupidly, but that’s something else altogether.
Guy’s, you know better than to talk at length about some other woman from wherever that you hit it off with and that you maybe thought about fucking for all of five seconds then realized she was pretty cool just to talk to and that you already have a girl, and you sure as HELL know that you just keep it as simple as possible, and if queried, you paint the other girl in as neutral and bland a light as possible.
It should be automatic really, but I figured if one guy will loose his dammed mind and make his girl feel like she doesn’t measure up, any of us could do it.
And that REALLY is the heart of the matter, we as people both guys n girls, need to be reassured that we are good enough, guys will compete amongst themselves, we do it because its fun, but when girls compare us to each other, that sparks the primal urges and it boils down to sex, who gets it and who doesn’t, and when girls even HINT at comparing guys in a sexual manner…
Yipe girl, are you TRYING to get someone killed?
And guys, are you TRYING to break a girls already naturally fragile sense of self-esteem and self worth?
Why not just be a true dick, punch her in the face and call her a slut then leave?
CLEARLY, I’m being a tad more sarcastic than might be needed, but then, isn’t that the point of this little bit here? Oh wait, that’s the NEXT part!
Item the fourth, DO NOT:
4.) Be needlessly mean or taunting.
Now understand, I love sarcasm, I finding highly entertaining, and fun, and it’s a big part of how I talk and interact with others, but honestly, even I know when to knock it down a notch, or even just not use it.
Not everyone does, and when you don’t it comes across as being needlessly mean or cruel or taunting, and while there ARE times that it is funny, there are times when you might as well take a gun and shoot the other person in the face and be done with it, because that’s about how it feels to be subjected to needless “playful banter” and while you may think its all in good fun, the moment the other person asks you to stop, don’t think they are just playing along, many times, they are trying to be nice in telling you to go and fuck yourself.
Girls, understand that the male psyche is a narrow, but INCREDIBLY deep thing, Girls you know you can be deep, but you are much more spread out in your emotions and feelings and thoughts, guys are NOT as simple as you might think, we’re likely deeper in most ways, but less varied in the ground we’ll cove with that depth, whereas you ladies are pretty consistent in how deeply you go into things over all.
Item the fifth, DO NOT:
5.) Stay angry.
Seriously. Don’t do it.
It solves nothing, gets you worked up, keeps you worked up, is unhealthy, both emotionally, and physically, and it only makes an already bad situation worse, every single time, unless you WANT to really mess someone up over something, and if you’re at that point, I would hope it is in the context of some sort of conflict where you or someone close to you has been wronged, and the person your mad at honestly deserves to get blow’d the fuck up over it.
And if you can’t identify if you’re in that kind if situation, then you need to get your head checked out kiddo.
In closing;
Remember in all of this, that we’re all just people, human beings, and as such, we’re not perfect, we just all, by and large, are doing the best we can, and we make mistakes CONSTANTLY, but everything I’ve mentioned to this point, is a kindness we all should be able to afford, is very considerate to both others and yourself, and really is just plain smart, because if you can either avoid or correct for the above mistakes, you can reduce both your own stress, and the stress for someone else, and that’s a bit of mercy we all can enjoy I think.
Shits n giggles, and snarky obscure sci-fi references ppl,
~Caleb
