28 days later

In twenty-eight days, I turn 25 years old.

Dear God, what the fuck happened?


Really now, I mean, seriously, what the ever living FUCK?!?

I find myself at such a confused jumbled crossroads that I'm not sure what to do, other than just curling up into a ball and sleeping it away, is NOT what I should be doing, but it’s the one thing that makes sense, in that at least then I know what will happen, I’ll have a few hours of blissful nothingness (hopefully) to fill my existence rather than the almost constant pain, frustration, and stress of life, thanks to small, but impactful decisions that have been made throughout my life, many of them, by others, rather than for myself, and the result now?

Just about short of absolute, abject FAILURE by pretty much any standards you might care to look at.

Clearly NOT what I always wanted or looked forward to in my much younger days of growing up.


I used to dream of playing baseball, I loved the game, and while not the best, I was hardly the worst, I was a solid outfielder, a highly accurate and consistent pitcher (not blazingly fast, but then being able to but the ball within a few finger widths of where I wanted it was incredibly rare for most other pitchers I knew) and I was good for the solid RBI double (the first year I played little league, in the last game my team played, I hit the game winning double, with the bases loaded, bottom of the 10th put us up by two and that was the ball game, I was 8 btws) and then about that time, thanks to my grandmother thinking I needed more activities (which, being a home schooled church boy, I sorely did) and low and behold, the gymnastics classes where all full… next choice? Guitar lesions.

Fast forward seven years, and I'm fourteen, barreling towards my fifteenth birthday, I stop Guitar lesions, because I'm really getting into rock and roll, and my teacher is a classical instructor, so I branch off into my own thing, teaching myself as best I can, and picking up whatever will stick at church and off of TV and Videos…

This is becoming a biography, and that’s not what I need to do right now…


Simply put, throughout my teens all I wanted to do was something in front of people, it started with Baseball in my preteens, and moved into a love of speed and wanting to be a racecar driver in my teens, until a sudden shift saw my want to go fully into music (which was an answer to my mothers prayers apparently) and of course being a “good little church boy” (sic) being part of the music ministry was CLEARLY where God wanted me to go, and to be honest, I did like the idea, but by the time I was 21, I knew in my heart, that if I wanted to play music on a stage, I didn’t need to do it in church (the fact that despite my willingness, and repeated expressed desire to help and such, I was constantly scorned by the powers that had been in the church for my efforts, lots of stupid ugly little things went down over the course of about 4 years, and it, with other factors is why I avoid going to any sizable, “mainstream” denominational church, because it has all become far to corporate and impersonal for it to be of any good in my eyes.

I also knew in my heart of hearts, that if one wished to honor God, to serve him in such a manner, then one needs to understand that there is a fine line between “performing” and “ministering” when one takes a stage, and I knew myself well enough to know I’d have a hell of a time keeping myself on one side or the other of that line, so I think I wisely got that out of my system.

So after some drama classes, and music classes and lots of random performances in both veins of dramatic and musical performances, I figured out what I had likely known on some level all along…

By this time I had hit 23 and I knew I wanted to be in the music industry, and I didn’t care in what size shape or form, be it a performer, a songwriter, a producer or just a sound tech or roadie, I wanted to do something in this realm, because I loved it, the feel, the sound, the life, making music, telling stories, that is who and what I am, a story teller.

It was also about this time I met a girl, who would rock my world to its foundations. More than once in fact.


That’s for next time.


Stay tuned if you dare

~Caleb