Either I am suffering from too little, or too much emotion right now.
Given the last week or three, I am reaching a “critical mass” moment, on all levels, the stress and uncertainty is likely starting to become detrimental to my health, and I know deep down that if this goes on long enough, its going to start killing me.
God help me I love her, but she wants to go off and do shit, a lot of which she should KNOW is bad news, some of which she knows first hand is bad, and I know first hand, from having done it, and seen it and been right the fuck next to it, is nothing but playing Russian roulette with a half loaded gun.
I understand she needs to redefine her view of the world, but the actions she’s speaking of taking… Regardless of if I am her boy friend, or just her friend, or hell, even a detached observer, I can see that, based on what she has said and started to do, the path she’s looking down is not the path to a redefining, but a total overhaul and or tearing down of ones view of the world and the possible destruction of oneself, when it CLEARLY is not needed.
I blame her parents for this shit.
They did next to nothing to train or prepare her for the now total freedom she has, then they cut her off, almost completely, only tossing her the barest crumbs of attention, and they have done the barest of jobs supporting her.
The fucking ass-hats.
Now she is convinced that for her to fly, she needs to fall, and that she can’t have any help from anyone else, because that would “make her weak” which is bullshit, no one can do it all, without any help, it’s impossible, we all rely on others, to one extent or another, on one level or another, and having someone you can trust with your life, that trusts you in like manner, there to help, advise, and learn with you, no matter where they are, is invaluable.
Would that I had been lucky enough to have had someone like that every time I needed them, but I did not.
CLEARLY, the smart thing for a person to do, in her place, would be to lean on that person who is both willing, able and longing to be there for them, who is willing to make mistakes, and learn and grow, with the measure of safety that having that trusted person there for you, right?
She does not see it like that.
I have no REAL clue why, and while I can respect the ideal, and the drive, and even part of the logic, I can not fully understand it, and I sure as HELL don’t like it…
Choices need to be made, in fact, choices WILL be made, and then…
Well, I will cross whichever bridge I come to, when I come to it, not before…
Oh, and “Happy” Thanksgiving.
~Caleb
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