If I knew who wrote the book of love, I’d murder that shit-head

Once more, I’ve no clue how to start this…

Eloquently at least.


Fuck you Christina.

Yeah, that’ll work…


For the last five years, I have poured myself into a set of relationships that I had started in College, the REAL start of my social, and I’d even say, emotional and adult life, I mean, I didn’t fucking GO to high school, all the rules and norms and perceptions that a person forages in high school, I never got to do, none of it, my social exposure during what many would call their “formative years” was limited to church, and let me tell you this: Christians are both better and worse than any other people group you can care to name…
(Yeah I’ll name a few just for the sake of argument and because I'm in THAT kind of mood ((You who know me better than the average Joe/Jane know what I mean and are rolling your eyes)))


Islamic extremists?
Fuck em’ but goddammit, at least you KNOW they hate you, and many times, why (Not going into THAT here and now, maybe one day, but not today) so while you’re still kinda shocked that they blew themselves the fuck up, to kill you and you’re family, if you’re reasonably smart, and somewhat educated (beyond the “norm” that is) you understand why, and even, if you are able to get outside yourself somewhat, you can even respect them, on some primal level, I guess.


Jews?
Gotta love on the Jews, because honestly, despite all the preconceived ideas that linger about them (many of which are either flat out wrong, or grossly perverted), by and large, all the Jews I’ve met are decent folks, a tad socially awkward in certain contexts, but hell, aren’t we all?


Black people?
Not being racist here, what I mean is people of color who foolishly buy into the whole “Ebony culture” spiel and are at their core, cry-baby racists who love to play the victim cause they don’t know any better sadly, and who feel that ANYONE with a lighter skin tone than themselves, or anyone of a truly mixed origin, owes them every fucking cent they have to their name, and should bend over and lick their feet while getting gang-banged in the ass for all of the “Oppression” and all that shit. Thankfully, that isn’t all black people, but any racist, regardless of race, is one too many.

Dammed near 10% of the US population, the better part of half a generation of men, of all colors, DIED because of you people and the fucking greedy elitist’ shit-heads that where running the dammed northern Yankee states, who felt that the south had too much money, never mind that in the goddammed US Constitution there was the provision to visit the slavery issue and end it peacefully, since the industrial revolution was starting up full force in the US, and was about to spell the END of Slavery as a profitable endeavor ANYWAYS… That’s another rant for another time, but for real, racial equality WOULD be achieved if all the “Minority” would just grow the fuck up, and DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN BITCH ABOUT RACISIM! Sexual equality is the NEXT Civil rights frontier people, and ya know what? Fuck that shit, we all people, children of god, citizens of the earth, human beings, same as everything else on this dirt ball swinging around a massive nuclear detonation in the vastness of space.



My point in all of this?


Fuck you Christina ###### ####### #######, you are an emotional, and now physical whore. Fuck you and your bastard prick pastor manwhore father, and your goofy ditz of a mother, and you know what? You DESERVE your asshole lying prick of a hobbit husband


I spent the better part of five years as your friend, in sharing life, as a “Christian” in a Christian student club, we talked everything from God and the bible to cooking music and relationships, and in the end, when we found out how stupid we all where (us and all our peers in that little group of social misfits) to have our heads so far up each others asses and the clouds, trying to “walk the Christian path” we both, for a season that was far too short, realized that in the end, its not about if you drink or smoke or fuck or whatever, (although that IS somewhat important, in a roundabout fashion) but that life is indeed, at its core, about the relationships.

Our relationships are very important, indeed, the MOST important things, our relationship with the earth, with God, with our fellow humans, THAT is what life is about, that right there.


And then… The penny dropped.

You either lost your fucking mind (most likely given the amount of medications you where/are on) or you at last dropped all the pretenses, and showed your true colors.


You fucked me over the back of the head with a jackhammer, over a simple mistake I made, due to my… God help me, because of my love for you…


I hope you find this, or it finds you, and that it HAUNTS YOUR FAT, Puerto Rican ASS!

I would have destroyed myself for you, and you took the most stupid single bullshit thing I did in our WHOLE RELATIONSHIP and then told me to fuck myself.


But you did leave me with one little haunting nugget of insight, which I will forever, both hate and love you for…

It seems you where right about L…


Ya’ know? While I pride myself with not adding to your infidelity, I do almost regret not fucking you blind that night when I had the chance, because despite your assertion that you were not going to have sex with me, even as we laid in your BROTHERS bed, and held each other close, and made out while sharing our deepest and darkest secrets, I could see it in your fucking blue green eyes, that if I had touched you just right and made a half assed attempt, you would have spread like a fucking hooker and moaned like one too, cause I KNOW you ain’t been fucked proper in your whole life.


And now to the source of this.


L.


God, L…




The single most beautiful, smart, funny, sarcastic, girly, slightly strange, nerdy and fuck me stupid, SEXY girl I’ve ever known.

I loved you like people only DREAM about loving, every fucking love song EVER written is shit in hand compared to how I felt, and still feel about you, and once again, as the trend has been my in my whole romantic life, you’re going to leave me.

I’m just not quite good enough for you, now that you’re on your way to wherever the hell you’re going, and I do indeed wish you the best, I want the best for you, and I guess that I’m not part of that, and the sad part is, you lied to me, not meaning to I don’t think, honestly, I don’t think you meant to, it just kinda happened, and you won’t admit it for whatever reason one could care to hang it on.


Forever, no matter what, suddenly doesn’t look as great as you thought I guess.


I’m in a hard place, and I’m doing all I can to get into a better one, not over all, just, financially and socially, and you don’t think that I can “catch up” with you, I guess the fact that we’re in the same general place (separate ends for sure, but the same place as a rule) but despite my efforts, I’m having a hard time gaining traction, and now that you’ve found yours, you suddenly feel that I will hold you back, when in truth, I’m the one who kept pushing you forward into this place, I mean, how many times when you where on the edge and ready to fucking kill yourself, did I talk you down, and tell you to take a breath, square your shoulders, and then try again, to keep slugging, to find another way?

All things you did, and now look at you… You’re suddenly better than me, and you don’t think we’ll work cause I don’t move at the exact same pace you move at now.



It really makes me wonder about all the things you told me you suffered under with your last boyfriend, in that, while what he did was wrong, are you SO sure you didn’t encourage his behavior in some ass-backwards way?


There, I said it, yes, Pat was a dick, is a dick, and will always be a dick, a fucking shit eating, scummy dick, but you know what? If it took you over 3 years of his abuse to finally get out from under him, and then fall into my arms as it where, maybe I was just there to catch you, prop you up, and now that you’re standing on your own at last, you don’t feel the need to be attached to anyone right now.

Or maybe you should fuck the EVEN OLDER dude you seem to like so much, Chris whats-his-face, who’s over ten years OLDER than you (Whereas I’m just 7) and “gets you” so well, never mind that the whole story you told me about meeting him, SMACKS of a fucking pedophile hunting for sexy young, but of age high school or college girls to seduce and then fuck senseless before he finds the next hot POS to nail, and then notch in his belt, but hey, what do I know? I just happen to be a guy as well, but then I haven’t met the man, so I MIGHT be off base, even if I AM batting 7 outta 10 on judging people… 6 outta 10 if you end up doing what I fear you’ll do to me…




SO much more to say, so little motivation to say it now…


But I WILL say this (don’t I always?) :

I still love you more than you could ever imagine, and clearly, more than you know or believe, and despite my failings, imperfections, faults and handicaps, I always will love you, and I‘ll always be here for you, and I’ll never forget the taste of your lips on mine, the depth of you’re eyes when they stared into mine, and your incredible smile, and the way you always made me feel like I was so much more than I really am…
Currently anyways.


All that I am, belongs to you, and I always will, forever, hold you dear in my heart and mind, the girl who stole what was left of my heart, and made me believe in love again, my Lbug, my princess, my tiger…



LOOK! Up in the sky!

The sun is still shining, and I’m still breathing.


I’ll endure, I always have, and I always will.
~Caleb