you just can't beat stupid...

Its just...

Love makes us do some pretty goofy dumb bat-shit crazy things.

For me, it’s made me get my heart broken twice, and then hide it and a whole other relationship from most of my little corner of the universe, for some time, and now its driving me towards a mental institution, as we speak.


Its… complicated, but then, most of life is, sadly, and the saddest part is I KNOW I'm mostly to blame, and yet, when I know that my girl is also to blame, and yet cant label what she did, it makes me think that I'm going crazy, or am just self absorbed enough to try and justify me acting like a fool, and an asshole when I honestly don’t even know what the hell I was thinking at the time.


I'm not going into details here, but, in a nutshell, when I offered to help in a time of need, I was rebuffed, when I gently pressed and asked why, it was explained to me, but I just couldn’t fully understand why, and I was in fact slightly hurt, and worried by the answer, and honestly, with the stresses and troubles of a long distance relationship, its not all that surprising to me, looking back now directly after the fact, that I was becoming mildly insecure due to a slight break down in the lines of communication, mostly attributed to my GF, who for a long season, had pretty much just me, and I pretty much just her, despite the distance, all to ourselves, well, then suddenly, she gets a social life, and while I was, and still am glad for and proud of her, she suddenly lacks as much time to devote to me as she once had, and I mean, just a few moments here, or there to send a Text message, not like we don’t talk or stopped talking all together, it was just suddenly, no cute Text messages in the morning, or constant little updates throughout the day, and for whatever reason, I started to loose my grip over that.

Looking back, I now see how stupid it was, but still… not TOTALLY off base or inconceivable for anyone right?

Even so, I started to freak out, due to the stress of time and distance, multiplied by growing insecurity, which lead to irrational paranoia and at long last, a muted, blowup that descended into name calling and implying both carelessness and stupidity, and even pointing to infidelity.


Yes, I am in fact male, I'm not stupid, I'm just thoughtless sometimes.

And for about 24 hours, I was practically a raving lunatic.


What can I say? I'm human, I'm male, and I’ve had some pretty bad shit happen to me at the hands of females, the most recent of which happened a bare 6-7 weeks ago with my former best friend, who happened to be a young woman, whom I had for a VERY short time, (all of maybe a month) had romantic feelings for, someone who for the better part of five years, was pretty much one of if not my one and only truest best friend, a person I trusted explicitly, and in the end, during her time of greatest difficulty, even after I had repented of my single mistake in her VERY bad situation, she blew up in my face, stabbed me in the heart, right between my eyes, and then cut me off in about the meanest and most bitchy way one can think of…


The fairer sex my ass.


But more on that later…

~Caleb