If I knew who wrote the book of love, I’d murder that shit-head

Once more, I’ve no clue how to start this…

Eloquently at least.


Fuck you Christina.

Yeah, that’ll work…


For the last five years, I have poured myself into a set of relationships that I had started in College, the REAL start of my social, and I’d even say, emotional and adult life, I mean, I didn’t fucking GO to high school, all the rules and norms and perceptions that a person forages in high school, I never got to do, none of it, my social exposure during what many would call their “formative years” was limited to church, and let me tell you this: Christians are both better and worse than any other people group you can care to name…
(Yeah I’ll name a few just for the sake of argument and because I'm in THAT kind of mood ((You who know me better than the average Joe/Jane know what I mean and are rolling your eyes)))


Islamic extremists?
Fuck em’ but goddammit, at least you KNOW they hate you, and many times, why (Not going into THAT here and now, maybe one day, but not today) so while you’re still kinda shocked that they blew themselves the fuck up, to kill you and you’re family, if you’re reasonably smart, and somewhat educated (beyond the “norm” that is) you understand why, and even, if you are able to get outside yourself somewhat, you can even respect them, on some primal level, I guess.


Jews?
Gotta love on the Jews, because honestly, despite all the preconceived ideas that linger about them (many of which are either flat out wrong, or grossly perverted), by and large, all the Jews I’ve met are decent folks, a tad socially awkward in certain contexts, but hell, aren’t we all?


Black people?
Not being racist here, what I mean is people of color who foolishly buy into the whole “Ebony culture” spiel and are at their core, cry-baby racists who love to play the victim cause they don’t know any better sadly, and who feel that ANYONE with a lighter skin tone than themselves, or anyone of a truly mixed origin, owes them every fucking cent they have to their name, and should bend over and lick their feet while getting gang-banged in the ass for all of the “Oppression” and all that shit. Thankfully, that isn’t all black people, but any racist, regardless of race, is one too many.

Dammed near 10% of the US population, the better part of half a generation of men, of all colors, DIED because of you people and the fucking greedy elitist’ shit-heads that where running the dammed northern Yankee states, who felt that the south had too much money, never mind that in the goddammed US Constitution there was the provision to visit the slavery issue and end it peacefully, since the industrial revolution was starting up full force in the US, and was about to spell the END of Slavery as a profitable endeavor ANYWAYS… That’s another rant for another time, but for real, racial equality WOULD be achieved if all the “Minority” would just grow the fuck up, and DO SOMETHING OTHER THAN BITCH ABOUT RACISIM! Sexual equality is the NEXT Civil rights frontier people, and ya know what? Fuck that shit, we all people, children of god, citizens of the earth, human beings, same as everything else on this dirt ball swinging around a massive nuclear detonation in the vastness of space.



My point in all of this?


Fuck you Christina ###### ####### #######, you are an emotional, and now physical whore. Fuck you and your bastard prick pastor manwhore father, and your goofy ditz of a mother, and you know what? You DESERVE your asshole lying prick of a hobbit husband


I spent the better part of five years as your friend, in sharing life, as a “Christian” in a Christian student club, we talked everything from God and the bible to cooking music and relationships, and in the end, when we found out how stupid we all where (us and all our peers in that little group of social misfits) to have our heads so far up each others asses and the clouds, trying to “walk the Christian path” we both, for a season that was far too short, realized that in the end, its not about if you drink or smoke or fuck or whatever, (although that IS somewhat important, in a roundabout fashion) but that life is indeed, at its core, about the relationships.

Our relationships are very important, indeed, the MOST important things, our relationship with the earth, with God, with our fellow humans, THAT is what life is about, that right there.


And then… The penny dropped.

You either lost your fucking mind (most likely given the amount of medications you where/are on) or you at last dropped all the pretenses, and showed your true colors.


You fucked me over the back of the head with a jackhammer, over a simple mistake I made, due to my… God help me, because of my love for you…


I hope you find this, or it finds you, and that it HAUNTS YOUR FAT, Puerto Rican ASS!

I would have destroyed myself for you, and you took the most stupid single bullshit thing I did in our WHOLE RELATIONSHIP and then told me to fuck myself.


But you did leave me with one little haunting nugget of insight, which I will forever, both hate and love you for…

It seems you where right about L…


Ya’ know? While I pride myself with not adding to your infidelity, I do almost regret not fucking you blind that night when I had the chance, because despite your assertion that you were not going to have sex with me, even as we laid in your BROTHERS bed, and held each other close, and made out while sharing our deepest and darkest secrets, I could see it in your fucking blue green eyes, that if I had touched you just right and made a half assed attempt, you would have spread like a fucking hooker and moaned like one too, cause I KNOW you ain’t been fucked proper in your whole life.


And now to the source of this.


L.


God, L…




The single most beautiful, smart, funny, sarcastic, girly, slightly strange, nerdy and fuck me stupid, SEXY girl I’ve ever known.

I loved you like people only DREAM about loving, every fucking love song EVER written is shit in hand compared to how I felt, and still feel about you, and once again, as the trend has been my in my whole romantic life, you’re going to leave me.

I’m just not quite good enough for you, now that you’re on your way to wherever the hell you’re going, and I do indeed wish you the best, I want the best for you, and I guess that I’m not part of that, and the sad part is, you lied to me, not meaning to I don’t think, honestly, I don’t think you meant to, it just kinda happened, and you won’t admit it for whatever reason one could care to hang it on.


Forever, no matter what, suddenly doesn’t look as great as you thought I guess.


I’m in a hard place, and I’m doing all I can to get into a better one, not over all, just, financially and socially, and you don’t think that I can “catch up” with you, I guess the fact that we’re in the same general place (separate ends for sure, but the same place as a rule) but despite my efforts, I’m having a hard time gaining traction, and now that you’ve found yours, you suddenly feel that I will hold you back, when in truth, I’m the one who kept pushing you forward into this place, I mean, how many times when you where on the edge and ready to fucking kill yourself, did I talk you down, and tell you to take a breath, square your shoulders, and then try again, to keep slugging, to find another way?

All things you did, and now look at you… You’re suddenly better than me, and you don’t think we’ll work cause I don’t move at the exact same pace you move at now.



It really makes me wonder about all the things you told me you suffered under with your last boyfriend, in that, while what he did was wrong, are you SO sure you didn’t encourage his behavior in some ass-backwards way?


There, I said it, yes, Pat was a dick, is a dick, and will always be a dick, a fucking shit eating, scummy dick, but you know what? If it took you over 3 years of his abuse to finally get out from under him, and then fall into my arms as it where, maybe I was just there to catch you, prop you up, and now that you’re standing on your own at last, you don’t feel the need to be attached to anyone right now.

Or maybe you should fuck the EVEN OLDER dude you seem to like so much, Chris whats-his-face, who’s over ten years OLDER than you (Whereas I’m just 7) and “gets you” so well, never mind that the whole story you told me about meeting him, SMACKS of a fucking pedophile hunting for sexy young, but of age high school or college girls to seduce and then fuck senseless before he finds the next hot POS to nail, and then notch in his belt, but hey, what do I know? I just happen to be a guy as well, but then I haven’t met the man, so I MIGHT be off base, even if I AM batting 7 outta 10 on judging people… 6 outta 10 if you end up doing what I fear you’ll do to me…




SO much more to say, so little motivation to say it now…


But I WILL say this (don’t I always?) :

I still love you more than you could ever imagine, and clearly, more than you know or believe, and despite my failings, imperfections, faults and handicaps, I always will love you, and I‘ll always be here for you, and I’ll never forget the taste of your lips on mine, the depth of you’re eyes when they stared into mine, and your incredible smile, and the way you always made me feel like I was so much more than I really am…
Currently anyways.


All that I am, belongs to you, and I always will, forever, hold you dear in my heart and mind, the girl who stole what was left of my heart, and made me believe in love again, my Lbug, my princess, my tiger…



LOOK! Up in the sky!

The sun is still shining, and I’m still breathing.


I’ll endure, I always have, and I always will.
~Caleb

what does one say when...

you've got no one listening?
you've worn out your free pass?
you've say all you know, but still need to say more?
Don't even know what to say, but know you must say SOMETHING?


Its the heartsick state of mind, the realization that you've put yourself into a 50/50 win or loose situation, bottom of the ninth, thirty seconds on the clock, two more turns to the finish-line, anything that can happen either will or wont, full on, balls out, might not ever get another shot blah blah blah bullshit n noise you know what the fuck I'm driving at...


the one Girl I have felt the most strongly about, the girl I've loved the most, cried over the most, done the most I could for, have risked pretty much everything for and the one person I can safely say I NEED more than anyone else, or even anything else, the Girl I need like I need air...

And I may have lost her because I got antsy, and clingy and a tad bitchy about it, and allowed that to spill over into everything, then didn't check my temper at the door after dealing with my idiot siblings...



I am not perfect.

I am human.

I am in love.

and I've not been laid in approaching 3 years, and the only girl I could ever want or need, is 1600+ miles away, and is pretty much sick of me.


all I want is to hold her, but I can't even hardly talk to her now...



still, I feel better, because Ive at last given vent to my feelings, and have allowed myself to just let go, for the moment, and take stock of myself.



Ehhhh... Not sure if thats the NICEST thing to do to myself but it IS needed, and in the long run, healthy and needed.


I'll fight for love tomorrow, today I'll try to enjoy feeling like I got smashed in the face with a greasy hot skillet, and my knees where smacked for nine hours by small children wielding nerf bats...



insert witty sign off here trolls,

~Caleb

And they wonder why I don't participate anymore?

Dear god above, please be real, and please STRIKE DOWN THE POSEURS!


I shall expand on this when I get home, but...



there is a reason why I dont go to church any more, and why I loath the main line "Christians" as I do...


More on THAT later... not too much later, just not now, the coffee shops about to close, and I wanna grab one more hit of the good stuff ^_^


[EDIT]

Ahhhh yes, THATS much better ;p


Ha, no not gonna comment on that exactly, but yeah...


Anyway, back to my little rant for the day.


I don't personally call myself a christian, I label myself as an "Indi-Christion" for the sake of others, and the explanation I give is simply "I believe In God, Jesus and the Bible, but I'm not too big on most churches for a few select reasons."


What do I call myself you ask?

I call myself a follower of Jesus, in that I try my best to live my life by the core values of his teachings, which boil down to living your life, in love, turned outwardly, onto God and to others, not unlike the hypocritical oath Doctors take "do no harm" and I do my best, as imperfect as I am.


What REALLY gets under my skin, is the so called "Born Again Christians" who use religion as a cloak to cover their selfish and ultimately self serving actions, because they will do all kinds of things to "further the Kingdom" and "reach out to unbelievers" and be it that person who says "Praise Jesus!" all the time for the most STUPID everyday things, to the people who street preach and sing at open mic nights basically, coyly, and rather rudely, shoving their "faith" (religion really, which is TOTALLY removed from true Faith) down the public's throats...


Why?

Because Christendom has become incorporated by MEN looking to either "further the Kingdom" or just line their pockets with the money of the masses.


I need to expand on this more, but I have lost the drive to write, so more on that later... again... whatever.


Blah blah,
~Caleb

Calll me strange, but theres a kind of magic to a brown eyed girl

...

I honestly wish I could start this off with something epic or sweet or even NORMAL sounding, but I can't, and to be perfectly blunt, I know Im about to make myself sound like a total man whore, and maybe at heart, that's all I really am, maybe at my core, despite all the efforts of myself and my parents, to mold me into a decent, chivalrous, honorable and even morally upright young man, under the many layers of good stuff, I'm really just a greedy, selfish and lonely person looking for the next warm fuzzy, a dude looking for little more than pair of nice tits, sweet lips and stunning shapely legs to hold up a pretty face and some soft sweet smelling hair.


God I love girls, I really do...

Don't tell my magic doesn't exist, because if you think that, then you've NEVER looked into the eyes of another human being, and be so overcome with emotion desire, and longing to just touch them every where at once and try to meld yourself with them, at the very least, you've never been in that place and never wanted to leave it.


But for me, there's something about a girl with big brown eyes, chocolate colored pools of magical flesh and water that pull me in, the darkness, the texture, the shine, all of it is just... I can't even really explain it, but it makes me a puppy on a leash to what or whereever she looks, and when a girl with brown eyes laughs?

The sparkle is that much more magical I feel, I mean, blue eyes are nice, pretty and all kinds of bright and cherry and creative, hazel eyes are always thoughtful, or crazy, (I should know, my eyes are some strange constantly shifting mix of blue and hazel) green eyes... I personally don't understand the appeal of them, I mean... I always thought that the REALLY green colored eyes where creepy myself...

I mean, Green? Sorry, no offense meant, but fuck me blind, green eyes are kinda scary ya know?


But brown... Hmm... Brown eyes...

Brown eyes are earthy, naturally mysterious, they always ALWAYS look amazing in the sunlight, when it hits them just right, you realize just how dark or light they are, and the total depth of them, of the texture and shades they hold, and they WILL pull you in close, when they do...


Hmm...


Brown eyed girls are the best kissers EVER.

Bar none, and I should know, Ive kissed enough of them, and more than a few blue and hazel eyed girls, and yes, even a pair of Green eyed girls, and I just gotta say, Blue eyed girls are all lips and noise, NICE lips and noise, and that's not exactly bad, then hazel eyed girls are always enthusiastic but sometimes a tad too much so, again not always bad, and the green eyed girls?

Total mouth whores.


But every brown-eyed girl I’ve kissed... Sweet Geezus H Christo on a cracker jack box...

Always soft, always tender, always just a tad shy at first, and always, ALWAYS hitting at that something more, than when the moment hits, it hits like an atom bomb, it's like nothing else I can describe, your kissing and its sweet and then you push in a touch more, really enjoying it, and then KA-BAM! She's got you by the lower lip, and her hands are holding onto your head like shes about to fall off the edge of a hole and your face is the only thing keeping her alive, her lips are trying their damnedest to merge with yours in a permanent fashion and if shes REALLY a keeper, her tongue will be trying to polish your tonsils to a shiny luster, assuming you still have your tonsils that is, if not, expect your own tongue to feel rather fruity and minty pretty dammed quick.


I'll keep my thoughts and comments here to that, as the next few steps get REALLY graphic and while I do enjoy that, mamma and dad taught me to not kiss and tell... well, not everything anyways xD


As you can likely guess, of the now 6 girls Ive been involved with in my romantic life, three of them where brown eyed girls, and no, Ive not dated a green eyed girl, but I have... Shall we say "hooked up" with more than 2 of them, your mileage may vary on the exact definition of that term, I know mine did xD



Now unto thee I shall unveil the dark secret many do not know of me.


I've batted for both sides.


if you dont savvy, my meaning, let me nut shell it for you:

Once or twice, at a few parties where I was being a total loose cannon, I engaged in what is commonly called a "threesome" and the once ore twice I speak of, there was only one girl, and I ended up being the meat in a sexual sandwich.


There, thats out there and done with.


No its not exactly something I'll be doing again, it was just me being too dammed buzzed and horny to really give a shit of the hole I was plugging was male or female at that moment, and its why Ive pretty much sworn off getting myself so shit faced that I wake up in a room with used condoms littering the place and naked people piled upon each other, me in the middle of it.


After the second (or was it third?) time that happened, I decided to clean myself up and knock it off, which I did, and I'm still glad I did.


There’s more, but I DO have some OTHER important things to accomplish today, so on that bombshell, I shall end this days blog.


Yeah yeah snappy salutations here,

~Caleb

you just can't beat stupid...

Its just...

Love makes us do some pretty goofy dumb bat-shit crazy things.

For me, it’s made me get my heart broken twice, and then hide it and a whole other relationship from most of my little corner of the universe, for some time, and now its driving me towards a mental institution, as we speak.


Its… complicated, but then, most of life is, sadly, and the saddest part is I KNOW I'm mostly to blame, and yet, when I know that my girl is also to blame, and yet cant label what she did, it makes me think that I'm going crazy, or am just self absorbed enough to try and justify me acting like a fool, and an asshole when I honestly don’t even know what the hell I was thinking at the time.


I'm not going into details here, but, in a nutshell, when I offered to help in a time of need, I was rebuffed, when I gently pressed and asked why, it was explained to me, but I just couldn’t fully understand why, and I was in fact slightly hurt, and worried by the answer, and honestly, with the stresses and troubles of a long distance relationship, its not all that surprising to me, looking back now directly after the fact, that I was becoming mildly insecure due to a slight break down in the lines of communication, mostly attributed to my GF, who for a long season, had pretty much just me, and I pretty much just her, despite the distance, all to ourselves, well, then suddenly, she gets a social life, and while I was, and still am glad for and proud of her, she suddenly lacks as much time to devote to me as she once had, and I mean, just a few moments here, or there to send a Text message, not like we don’t talk or stopped talking all together, it was just suddenly, no cute Text messages in the morning, or constant little updates throughout the day, and for whatever reason, I started to loose my grip over that.

Looking back, I now see how stupid it was, but still… not TOTALLY off base or inconceivable for anyone right?

Even so, I started to freak out, due to the stress of time and distance, multiplied by growing insecurity, which lead to irrational paranoia and at long last, a muted, blowup that descended into name calling and implying both carelessness and stupidity, and even pointing to infidelity.


Yes, I am in fact male, I'm not stupid, I'm just thoughtless sometimes.

And for about 24 hours, I was practically a raving lunatic.


What can I say? I'm human, I'm male, and I’ve had some pretty bad shit happen to me at the hands of females, the most recent of which happened a bare 6-7 weeks ago with my former best friend, who happened to be a young woman, whom I had for a VERY short time, (all of maybe a month) had romantic feelings for, someone who for the better part of five years, was pretty much one of if not my one and only truest best friend, a person I trusted explicitly, and in the end, during her time of greatest difficulty, even after I had repented of my single mistake in her VERY bad situation, she blew up in my face, stabbed me in the heart, right between my eyes, and then cut me off in about the meanest and most bitchy way one can think of…


The fairer sex my ass.


But more on that later…

~Caleb

28 days later

In twenty-eight days, I turn 25 years old.

Dear God, what the fuck happened?


Really now, I mean, seriously, what the ever living FUCK?!?

I find myself at such a confused jumbled crossroads that I'm not sure what to do, other than just curling up into a ball and sleeping it away, is NOT what I should be doing, but it’s the one thing that makes sense, in that at least then I know what will happen, I’ll have a few hours of blissful nothingness (hopefully) to fill my existence rather than the almost constant pain, frustration, and stress of life, thanks to small, but impactful decisions that have been made throughout my life, many of them, by others, rather than for myself, and the result now?

Just about short of absolute, abject FAILURE by pretty much any standards you might care to look at.

Clearly NOT what I always wanted or looked forward to in my much younger days of growing up.


I used to dream of playing baseball, I loved the game, and while not the best, I was hardly the worst, I was a solid outfielder, a highly accurate and consistent pitcher (not blazingly fast, but then being able to but the ball within a few finger widths of where I wanted it was incredibly rare for most other pitchers I knew) and I was good for the solid RBI double (the first year I played little league, in the last game my team played, I hit the game winning double, with the bases loaded, bottom of the 10th put us up by two and that was the ball game, I was 8 btws) and then about that time, thanks to my grandmother thinking I needed more activities (which, being a home schooled church boy, I sorely did) and low and behold, the gymnastics classes where all full… next choice? Guitar lesions.

Fast forward seven years, and I'm fourteen, barreling towards my fifteenth birthday, I stop Guitar lesions, because I'm really getting into rock and roll, and my teacher is a classical instructor, so I branch off into my own thing, teaching myself as best I can, and picking up whatever will stick at church and off of TV and Videos…

This is becoming a biography, and that’s not what I need to do right now…


Simply put, throughout my teens all I wanted to do was something in front of people, it started with Baseball in my preteens, and moved into a love of speed and wanting to be a racecar driver in my teens, until a sudden shift saw my want to go fully into music (which was an answer to my mothers prayers apparently) and of course being a “good little church boy” (sic) being part of the music ministry was CLEARLY where God wanted me to go, and to be honest, I did like the idea, but by the time I was 21, I knew in my heart, that if I wanted to play music on a stage, I didn’t need to do it in church (the fact that despite my willingness, and repeated expressed desire to help and such, I was constantly scorned by the powers that had been in the church for my efforts, lots of stupid ugly little things went down over the course of about 4 years, and it, with other factors is why I avoid going to any sizable, “mainstream” denominational church, because it has all become far to corporate and impersonal for it to be of any good in my eyes.

I also knew in my heart of hearts, that if one wished to honor God, to serve him in such a manner, then one needs to understand that there is a fine line between “performing” and “ministering” when one takes a stage, and I knew myself well enough to know I’d have a hell of a time keeping myself on one side or the other of that line, so I think I wisely got that out of my system.

So after some drama classes, and music classes and lots of random performances in both veins of dramatic and musical performances, I figured out what I had likely known on some level all along…

By this time I had hit 23 and I knew I wanted to be in the music industry, and I didn’t care in what size shape or form, be it a performer, a songwriter, a producer or just a sound tech or roadie, I wanted to do something in this realm, because I loved it, the feel, the sound, the life, making music, telling stories, that is who and what I am, a story teller.

It was also about this time I met a girl, who would rock my world to its foundations. More than once in fact.


That’s for next time.


Stay tuned if you dare

~Caleb