Give it some meaning, give me some time, or just take responsibility for it all

I am pretty much done.

With all of it.

The drama, the wondering, the lies, the bullshit, just, all of it.

She wants me to grow up? Well then watch me grow the fuck up baby-girl…

You got one shot left, as unfair, and selfish and even mean as it may seem to you, for me to ask this of you, I only ask it because, you’re not as stupid as you’re telling yourself, and if you have ever known yourself, then you know what you want in the end, and if you want me in the end, then you’ll need to want me in the now, because I’m not a trampoline or a safe bet or the comfort zone, or even just the nice guy you can fall back on, I am me, and I have my own needs and wants, and if all that comes from our romance is you having me to fall back on, while you go and play around with other people, and in a real sense, degrade yourself, all while expecting me to just sit here and do my little thing, and be tormented and wounded, and heartbroken time and again, until you make up your mind, if you expect me to just do that for you, you’ve got a whole other thing coming.

I’ve been hurt too many times, and while I would honestly wish to spare you the pain I’ve had, the wounds I’ve endured, and even the drama, and the stress, maybe you need to remember what its like to realize that the person you care most about, or like most, is wounding you deeply…

O, is a meh kind of guy, all things considered, he doesn’t seem mean or cruel, at least not from what I can tell, but he’s HARDLY the best guy you’ve met, since he moved in on you more than once, while you where STILL in a relationship with me, and say what you will, but ANY guy who can’t show even the smallest measure of respect for either a girl or a guy in a relationship, with his actions, however kind or friendly they may have started out as, when you start to cross certain lines, not matter how “harmless” they may seem, they are still lines that should not be crossed, and they show a lack of character and respect for all people concerned, including oneself.

But I can’t judge too harshly, I mean, I’ve never met the guy, but then all I can really and honestly judge, all I WILL judge, is his actions, and I must say, his actions are kinda suckish over all.

You once said that the thing you loved most about me, as a “southern boy” was that I was loyal, and had more respect for you and others than most of the guys you’ve ever met, and you know what, that’s still true, I DO have more respect for you and others, when compared to some of the people you’ve met recently, all based on what you’ve told me yourself.

I’ve not changed too much, I was always loyal to you, and I still hold my normal level of respect for you, the extra respect I had, is currently in reserve due to the change in our relationship, and your recent behavior, but you know what really baffles me at this point?

Why would you pretty much abandon me, the guy you love(ed) who was so different from all that you’d been exposed to growing up, just to go and hawk after some dude who seems to be splitting the difference between me, the apparent gold standard, and the shit-face that you dated for 3 years in high school?

Call me biased, but even with that possible disclaimer, logically speaking, why would you downgrade?

I still love you, but if our romance dies, and dies for good, it will be you who kills it L, not me.

I’ll just be the one stuck with the broken pieces of my heart to live with for the rest of my life…

Bullshit n noise, I will endure, somehow.

~Caleb

Blank is a bad part of the mind to be stuck in

Either I am suffering from too little, or too much emotion right now.

Given the last week or three, I am reaching a “critical mass” moment, on all levels, the stress and uncertainty is likely starting to become detrimental to my health, and I know deep down that if this goes on long enough, its going to start killing me.

God help me I love her, but she wants to go off and do shit, a lot of which she should KNOW is bad news, some of which she knows first hand is bad, and I know first hand, from having done it, and seen it and been right the fuck next to it, is nothing but playing Russian roulette with a half loaded gun.

I understand she needs to redefine her view of the world, but the actions she’s speaking of taking… Regardless of if I am her boy friend, or just her friend, or hell, even a detached observer, I can see that, based on what she has said and started to do, the path she’s looking down is not the path to a redefining, but a total overhaul and or tearing down of ones view of the world and the possible destruction of oneself, when it CLEARLY is not needed.

I blame her parents for this shit.

They did next to nothing to train or prepare her for the now total freedom she has, then they cut her off, almost completely, only tossing her the barest crumbs of attention, and they have done the barest of jobs supporting her.

The fucking ass-hats.

Now she is convinced that for her to fly, she needs to fall, and that she can’t have any help from anyone else, because that would “make her weak” which is bullshit, no one can do it all, without any help, it’s impossible, we all rely on others, to one extent or another, on one level or another, and having someone you can trust with your life, that trusts you in like manner, there to help, advise, and learn with you, no matter where they are, is invaluable.

Would that I had been lucky enough to have had someone like that every time I needed them, but I did not.

CLEARLY, the smart thing for a person to do, in her place, would be to lean on that person who is both willing, able and longing to be there for them, who is willing to make mistakes, and learn and grow, with the measure of safety that having that trusted person there for you, right?

She does not see it like that.

I have no REAL clue why, and while I can respect the ideal, and the drive, and even part of the logic, I can not fully understand it, and I sure as HELL don’t like it…

Choices need to be made, in fact, choices WILL be made, and then…

Well, I will cross whichever bridge I come to, when I come to it, not before…

Oh, and “Happy” Thanksgiving.

~Caleb

how does one deal with this kind of thing?

so, long story short, I and my Girl Friend in New York, are officially done and over.

thankfully it wasn't a blow up, but we had reached a stage in our relationship where with the growth we both needed, we either needed to be closer, or further apart, and since we could not reconcile everything and see eye to eye on all matters, we agreed that we would still be friends, and then maybe try again at a later time.

its all good right?

Well... not at this point, I'm in misery, she seems to have transitioned seamlessly, and now, I've gotten word that she's in the hospital, sick, for some unknown reason, and the doctors think it might be her liver, and her father died from liver cancer just this last July...

I'm about one bad turn from going stark raving mad.

No joke.

if I never post anything here again, its because Im in an asylum or dead



[EDIT]

Well, it wasn't all THAT bad, but... it wasn't good either...

Apparently, she's acquired an eating disorder, the doctors ran a ton of tests, and realized that she was malnourished, which after talking to her, they diagnosed her with "possible anorexia and/or bulimia" so they pumped some stuff into her, gave her crackers and water, then sent her home with instructions to eat small meals every few hours, and sleep as much as she can for the rest of the week...


there is WAY too much going on at the moment with her, and with me, and even yes, with us, for me to even begin to write about it, here or any where really, but I will be commenting on it, as I can, and compiling it...

In the mean time...


I fucking hate life right now, because it sucks like a whore due to how unfair and hard it is, for no REAL apparent reason...


BUT!

The sun is till shining somewhere, and I'm still breathing...

I will endure.

~Caleb

25 for 25... almost...

1. Who was your FIRST prom date?

Amanda C.

2. Do you still talk to your FIRST love?

no

3. What was your FIRST alcoholic drink?

Miller Light

4. What was your FIRST job?

uhhh... Neighborhood yard/trash guy xD

5. What was your FIRST car?

1988 Chevorlet Caprice Wagon

6. Who was the FIRST person to text you today?

Twitter

7. Who is the FIRST person you thought of this morning?

... Her...

8. Who was your FIRST grade teacher?

My mom

9. Where did you go on your FIRST ride on an airplane?

California

10. Who was your FIRST best friend & do you still talk?

Paul Fleck, and sadly no...

11. Where was your FIRST sleepover?

Paul's

12. Who was the FIRST person you talked to today?

my youngest brother

13. Whose wedding were you in the FIRST time?

my grandfathers 2nd wedding

14. What was the FIRST thing you did this morning?

Help my dad fix the broken pipe under the sink

15. What was the FIRST concert you ever went to?

Bleach

16. FIRST tattoo?

a guitar pick with the words "Music = Love = Life" on it, on my right shoulder

17. FIRST piercing?

N/A.

18. FIRST foreign country you went to?

Mexico

19. FIRST movie you remember seeing in the theater?

Days of Thunder, yes, I love racing that much, I was 5 xD

20. FIRST Detention you had?

I smarted off to a fellow classmate cause she was being a testy annoying little bitch whore, and then she cried her ass off to the teacher, who had it in for me anyways...

21. What was the FIRST state you lived in?

Texas!

22. If you had one wish. What would it be?

Is wishing for more wishes an option, cause I would, there are a few things I'd like to rectify and change, as well as a few personal things Id like

23. What is something you would learn if you had the chance?

French or Spanish, if not both

24. Who do you think will be the next person to post this?

I dont really care

25. What is the craziest thing you'd like to do?

hmm... Fly an old Jet fighter?