And the rain falls down

"And my heart grows warmer, my soul weary, and my eyes wet, like the rain in the sky, as I count away the days, and pine for her, my love, my treasure, to return to my arms where she belongs..."

As I said previously, I will be touching for a moment, upon the matter of the heart, (which is in truth, the heart of the matter) as I feel like I must comment upon the matter.

Our hearts are wounded, time and again, throughout our lives, many times, when we are younger, and mostly in our formative years. There is no escaping this fact. And anyone who would dispute it is an arrogant fool, or a callous fiend.

Allow me to be blunt, and personal; it is my perspective that the truth of life, for humanity, is that everything has two parts, two sides, and for the most part, they are divided into male, and female. I don't hold with the whole ideal of men having a "feminine side" or women having a "masculine" side because I honestly don't see it, and I don't see how it could be that way. I am NOT discounting that there are traits of one that the other might have, or that one can not ascribe to the tendency's of the other, but that rather, in the aforementioned moments where that does happen, we are seeing secondary traits "crossover" in a sense, because there are a very few core traits that do NOT cross over between the genders.
Ever.

Don't believe me? Try this out; Watch a group of small children at play, and notice that most if not all of the little girls are talking and playing house or tea party or playing with their hair or something of that nature, then notice how most of not all of the little boys are busy rough housing, playing army, or super heroes, cops and robbers, or making all sorts of war like sound effects like machine guns and bombs and airplanes and the like.

Now contrast that with a bunch of teenagers, and you will see the same core behaviour ideals, in a much more socially driven context, and also note how certain aspects seem to be more universal between the genders.

Now that I feel I have made my point, allow me to explain something else; Within the heart of mankind are two core sets of questions, derived from a single question that we have had ingrained in us from the dawn of time: "Am I loved?"

The breakdown of then becomes a set of questions for men, and another set for women.
The questions men carry within themselves is; "Am I worthy? Do I have what it takes? Am I strong? Am I a force to be reckoned with? Do I have something to live for? Am I prized? Am I needed?"

And for you ladies, your questions that you carry within yourselves are; "Am I valued? Am I prized? Am I desired? Am I wanted? Am I needed? Am I cared for? Do I have what is needed? Am I worth fighting for?"


They are the questions that haunt us, if only it seems, because they are the questions that are rarely voiced. And they are the questions that open us up to both the greatest blessings, and the greatest curses we will ever have within ourselves.

Personally, my biggest wound, my biggest questions, where in the realm of acceptance, and understanding. So few people truly understand me, and I am speaking on a very deep and personal level, not just he common shallow levels most people rely on. I have been questioned, mocked, demonized, and shunned for how I am, for how I see things, for what I do, for choices I make, and for actions I have preformed, and with very few exceptions (wherein I was in fact wrong and or knew better) it was always born from others not fully understanding or accepting me for who and what I am.
I am wild at heart, I am a cowboy, a warrior, a love, a fighter, a champion, and a knight, I am a king in training, and a sage in the making. I am me. I am strange, I am odd, I am creative, I am myself.

Consider that for a moment, having the core of who you are wounded, mocked, beguiled, devalued.
How many times did someone question me and my views on something? How many times was I made to feel as if something was wrong with me? How many times was I made to question my strength? How many times was I made to forsake my true nature?

I cannot count even half of them...


I am convinced that there is a very fine line males must walk on the road from boy to man, to truly become a man, is a never ending quest, a lesson never quite mastered, a destination never exactly reached, yet it is vital.
To define manhood as something so simple as a matter of tasks or accomplishments, is foolish, trivial and rancidity perverse. Honestly now, so you're a male who has copulated with a female? big deal. Or perchance you have injured another male in a contest of physical might? Whopitdy doodle.
And the list goes on...

The same is true for women, however I shall not dive deeply into that, as I feel to do so is foolish and pointless. I am not female, I lack total understanding of the subject from their perspective, and partial understanding is not enough to give me a leg to stand on here.

But ask yourself this Internet; how many times did you feel that tiny little prick in your heart when you did something, or said something or wanted something, and it was denied? Taken away? Mocked?
What is that one thing within you that has suffered most?

That is the core of who you are, and dollars to donuts, its been wounded, and wounded badly.
What is the fix?

There is no easy answer, and for the moment, I do not have the urge to try and give one or even my thoughts on what steps might be taken, but I will say this in closing; Fight for your heart, fight for who you are deep down inside, claw and bite and shout for the more noble things within your heart, and do not let go should you ever grasp them...

More next time trolls.


Laugh, Love, Endure,
~Caleb

Data Dump

Well hello again Internet, did you miss me?
I hope so, I missed you, after a fashion anyway.

So yeah, down to brass tacks, I've no clue where to start, where I'm going or where this will end, I just know that I need to write right the frackin hell now, or my mind will pack up it's things, take the chillens and leave me forever.


Eight months, sixteen days, four months, two and one half years, two weeks, six years, five days, fifteen hours, one year, six months...

Time is the one all-powerful constant intangible, undeniable, variable and measure that remains outside of both our direct control and total understanding. How old is the earth really? A few thousand years or a few trillion? Billion? Zillion?
Or the stars? Rocks? Air? Water?
How long will I live? Or you? Or the car?

Time marches on, and in the grand scale of this universe, it would seem that our lives are but a particle on a atom on the molecule in the elements that make up the water in a bucket lost in the vastness of the middle of an endless sea of time and space that reality and existence as we know it seem to be, and yet we still mark our petty little specks of time with a religious fervor that numbs itself and us with a disturbing ease.
Do you have the time? What time is it? It's time to eat! I don't have time for this! Who's time are you on? She's living on Tulsa time...

And yet time is the bedrock that the roadway of life is built upon, as sure as you are reading this and I am thinking this up to type for you to read, establishing a relationship of writer/poet/author/thinker/philosopher/blogger and reader/critic/fan/thinker/troll, based upon the choices to write, and to read, exampling the core essence of why the universe works, while enjoying the how.

Choices, decisions, relationships, cause and effect.

Time. Too much or too little, it's always there, and I for one am currently SICK of it.

December 27th will be when I get my girl back where she belongs, into my arms, if only for a short time, and I could stand for life to stop tossing me curve balls tween now and then, and for time to move faster dammit.

My heart grows sick with the cold simmer of separation, and the pangs of absence.

More on the heart next time when I'm not feeling so spaced and bitchy and grumpy.

Live. Love. Endure.
~Caleb

40 day countdown and BLARGH! WOOF! SQUEE!

Oookayyy then,
I think now that Im not so sleep deprived I shall try to blog more like I (am known for?) am used to and enjoy doing so, so buckle up interwebs, I've honestly zero clue where the hell this one is going to end up!


Okay, so looking at the calender, I now realize that it is exactly forty (40 ) days until I get to see my girlfriend again... HOLY WOWZA WOOT WOOT EPIC SAUSE DUMPED ON AWESOME!

O.o

Okay... Not gonna lie, I know exactly where that came from, and I shall not comment on that in detail now aside from this; Kristen, you are stunning, and I desire you and your beauty so much, it makes dealing with the ulgy in this world worth it just to see your smile, to look into your eyes, and to bask in the glory of your aura and to see your graceful form...


Anywhoizts... It seems my ADD is on crack today, that or the sleep deprevation is still a factor... Or it could just be gas...


So it seems that I "got swag" (whatever the fuck that means) just cause I wore my old Thriftown scored sport coat (its missing the front buttons, and while it IS a nice brand ((English Mannor if you care)) it is still just a former $100 jacket that I got for $10) but random comments from the local drug dealer aside, Im feeling pretty good over all, dispite being slightly worn from another fourteen (14) hour shift in flipping Flower Mound, a shift that was meant to be a simple, if not slightly odd, seven (7) hour shift, I found out at eleven (11) pm when I'm meant to get off, that I am infact working the full fourteen (14) hours. And when I dared to ask if something bad had happened to whom ever was meant to replace me, I was pointedly told to not ask questions, because the head dispatcher, had been woken up to "deal with this" and she didn't know (or wouldn't tell me) and I should just get settled and watch the guys working over night on the floor.

Yes, not even an epic double facepalm could have done that justice. Somehting more along the lines of a beserker shotgun rampage down the streets of Flower Mound would have been better, but I rather value my life and freedom so yeah, no dice.

Uhhh, did I have a point here?

Yes, yes I did...


Annywayz, dispite the pretty much common place bull and noise that has been going down, I have grown rather wistful for my love as of the last few weeks, and now I realize that she is but roughly five (5) weeks away from being hereor more accuratly, forty (40) days from arriving at the air port where I shall littrally pick her up, (and spin her about, and kiss her and hug her and gross the little children out) and we shall then procede directly to food and lounging about at one of my all time favorite places, Buon Giorno Coffee. From there we shall spend the next 4-5 days enjoying New Years vacation together in East Texas, and yes, even with my family and my dear friend and fellow indie rocker, Bret, and his lovely saint of of girlfriend, Nichole.

It has been a long time since I have looked forward to going to Tyler, and a long time since I have felt so... Hopeful... Is the best work I can think of, and while the last two weeks have been hard (I've suffered under my birth month rut, which is always the worst of the year, Kristen's family dog was hit and killed by a car, on her birthday no less, and all number and manner of smaller annoyances and issues almost but not quite worth mentioning here) very hard in fact, for both of us, the deed is now done, she bought the tickets yesterday, and now other than a few smaller details that need to be addressed, its all on rails.


I feel like bastardizing a Jimi Hendrix line here:

"Excuse me, while I punch the sky!"



Live, Laugh, Love, Endure,
~Caleb

Brain Stew...

Chrome and brass gleaming, nylon and rayon washed clean, pressed crisp and sharp, nickel plated tin jingles and shines, as a long golden braid marks a long flexing line. Green stripes mark shoulder straps snug, a patch, a badge and a belt all hung. I look in the mirror and guess what I see? I see the man, staring back at me...

Now how the hell am I to fight the power? How can I bemoan the establishment, or laugh at the rules so silly and unneeded? I am the man, I work for the power, I walk around like an imposing tower, I see all and I will report all I see I will I shall oh hell, fuck me...

My days and nights are constantly changing, barely my own, my sleep patterns are failing, my eyes are growing shallow, my mind fills with numbers, full-time, overtime, sunshine and showers, bleeding my life away, for the almighty dollar, numbing my mind away, squelching the cry, my soul is bleeding running dry, getting lied too and misled, missing my bed, my computer my time, but it's all fine, I'm all grown up now, I walk the line but I hate this I hate this I hate this life, I don't want it, I can't stand it it sucks but it's needed, because everyones floating and singing along with the current ideals but can't you see it's all wrong? Take take take, I me me mine, consume you flakes and ruin it for the dreamers, the truehearts who see past the plastic seams, I just want it simple and not how life seems because it's evolved into a mass slaughter of men's souls and woman's hearts I see the rancid squaller of our state of being.

I just want more than what the tv tells me, I just want things stripped down, a select few innovations, and less bullshit like being owned by other nations, I'm not a slave I'm not a beast, I'm me simply me and now I can see, that now that I'm awake, I'm still stuck in the dream, turned sour it's a nightmare as far as I can see...

But I really can't care I can't save the world, it is what it is like a flag unfurled. And thats alright as far as I care, because I got her love and mine to share, I really thought this wouldn't be lyrical, but it's alright, I hope the point has been made, and if not s'alright, I'll endure cause I love her, my sweet and gentle maid, you are worth all the effort the coffee and stress and even worth quitting smoking cigarets, because if surviving hell is what it will take, then I'll finish each round and lay my steak into falling in love with you every day, it's all I really need and now that's all I have to say...

Well, at least until next time that is... :)


Shut up Internet, you should know better by now.

Love endures because it's all you need,
~Caleb

From down at the river...

Every bitter sweet goodbye, puts a tear to my eye, but the promises made, are a thinly drawn shade, against the blazing sun, my heart has begun, the orbit 'round celestial bodies course, I shall not want a display of remorse, for every goodbye brings the promise close, and gives legitimacy to my muse verbose, for every metaphysic action took, is but a fresh letter in the book, of love songs sung, so temporary and tacky, indeed this reactionary perspective is whacky, if viewed from nowhere mans little hill, the more nobel minds bitter pill, forsaking all that makes us human, tactile synthesis of a dogeared trueman, splitting the difference and blurring the lines betwexnst here and there, I'd go to her be she anywhere, for dopelgangers are forever in sync, mirrored orbits and pathways to drink, if not in fact then in truth be, two sides of a coin for all to see, spinning and turning, the world is burning, boiling way the sky and mothers untruths, I've paid my debts, took my knocks, settled my dues, now release me karma, I'll not ask twice, my heart ever broken, if only thrice, lucky number seven can go to hell, I love my dearest and love her well, now shoot the poets and hang the bards, I'll play my hand after I deal the cards, I'll cash my check and pay it out, the ninth cloud will now shout, about being usurped and made sport of, I've died for love, like the fanged black dove, now let me live, oh stars above, for her and with her I now stand. Fuck all y'all haters, I'm in a band, and I'll sing and I'll sting, until breath fails me, then I'll strum and pluck until you ignore me, cause that's how I like it pure and simple, like a cute memory, like Shirley Temple, but I see the world not in black and white, but in Technicolor Hi-Fi flavorful delight...

Love endures,
Because I need it to survive...
~Caleb

For John

Crack crack crack, my back now slack, my eyes gaze out blunt like a tack, a moments pause will no doubt cause, a gentle smile from her because, the moments zen, shall now begin a back and forth fresh again, what nonsense now will usurp the how, as kittens purr and I bow-wow.

Therefor no meaning to is to be, from this silent melody, taste the text the colors reflex, to your inner mirror sets, drink and eat so merry be, to your own beat be free, take my tongue and dance with it, warm my hand or better yet, fire my blood and stir my pot, for while you lack you surely got, all that is needed to be adult, so let my passion now smelt, your very own the ram will be ready, to batter down a door of cherry, blame me not for this prose, still I will gladly bite your nose and your neck if you will but reply, with merry heart and glittering eye, there is no point to this verse, nothing pure shall be reversed, from used and real, have I not said!

Get thoughts of meaning outta your head!

~Caleb

Burn Candle, Burn

Burn away from both ends, fight against the middle,
Twist and turn, make it burn, eat my resolve most brittle.

Chemicals flow through my veins, my heart thunderously races,
Boil my heart, and fry my mind, when my eyes flow to your places.

Hot and soft and smooth so yummy, your scent is a burning flavor,
The fire you stoke, needs small provoke, your thoughts I gladly savor.

Your little games taunt my shame, and swell my pride and joy,
Wonderous and frightening, mysteryous and enlighting, the ways of a girl and boy.

Spare me your quanderies and turn off your lies, popular media oh-so-shallow,
You play with forces of nature so potent, thoughtlesly drive, causing truth to run fallow.

Refrain

Safe from harm I shall keep, my heart forever true,
Your purity is something I value carefully, my own I would give to you.

If only not had I been tricked, by my own blunt wit,
The past means little to you, so I shall wait and savor the time, until you surrender it.

For when you say you love me so, you love me in all I be,
And when I say I love you so, we know the truth, I hold all actions precous to me.

When the fine day comes, we shall savor the rapture the creator indends for us,
Until that time I know I will find, the rapture of lips and hands, connected in love devine.

Spare me the judgment and callous bias, your words mean nothing to me,
Foolish and ignorant world, famly or friends, you are not intragel of what is to be.

My dear and gentle maiden, I love you so much,
From your coy witty laugh, your innocently knowing smile, to your tender loving touch...




Songof Soloman 8:4
Promise me... Not to awaken love until the time is right. (pharaphrased)





Love Endures,
~Caleb

The truth via text messages...

I felt like I needed to do this for a few reasons;
1: There is a raw honesty about baring your soul in written form, and no matter the context or format, it is both cathartic and insightful.

2: I shall never be able to properly capture all that there is to myself, herself, and ourselves, no matter if it is emotions, reasons, ideals, feelings, philosophy, practicality, or any other definable quantity or measure.

3: I needed to clear more space on my cell... What? Honesty is a crime now?

On falling in love with your new best friend:
"I just... The enormity of it, the impact, the implications when viewed from a 3rd person perspective, it boggles the mind, and conjures up thoughts of destiny and fate, and raises questions on ones judgement and points towards the frailty of our humanity verses the strength we all hold inside, as well as thoughts of a great romance or the youthful ideals of love and how they stave off the harsh coldness of the universe and the vastness of all creation and where we can find ourselves in a little corner of it all... How does one sum all that up with a few choice words?
I love you until the sun grows dark, the seas burn away and the mountains crumble to dust, death shall fear me for I will fight it if it bids me to leave you before my time, I will always hold you dear to my heart, even when you hold mine as your own...
How do I say all of that without falling into drivel?"

Prose or verse, upon the subject of romantic longing:
"I'd rather be anywhere than where I am now, anywhere a'tall, I'd rather be where you are, no matter where you are, your arms about me is all I truly wish, soon enough I know we'll have this, again and but sooner, than it might seem, your lips on mine and our hands intwine, are a sweet n glorious dream...
<3"

"But every morning, I wake up with the memory of your hand in mine, your bead on my shoulder, near my heart, your eyes so bright, and your lips so soft and sweet...
It is enough for now, if only just..."

(her)
"Thirty-six hundred deaths each hour, times twenty-four to make each day; my heart dies a little inside, every long second you're away."

(me)
"Twenty-four hours, made of eight hour shifts, times four days a week we are bound by glyphs, marking the hours until we may speak, and cursing the time we squander at the end of the week, but with each "I love you" my soul will burn, glow with survival until your return, into my arms where you belong, still for now we make do with text verse and song."

"How wondrous you are my love, infinite in your specter, simple flowing grace in your beauty, and bottomless depth in your intellect, gentle wisdom in your heart, I love you so much, in whole and not just part, from your flowing brown locks to your sleekly curved buttocks, your mirth filled smile and your simple style, your spirit so intricate, and your razor sharp wit, the the warmth of your kiss, I know above all this: I want you, I need you, I miss you, I love you... With every atom of my being and fiber of my soul, I want to hold you tight and never let go, to pour myself out upon you, body, soul and heart, time may move slowly, but if there is an end to the waiting, then there is of course a start."

"As the air grows chill and the rains come at last, I remember the joy of summer past, for your love so real, of hugs and cuddles and kisses to give and not steal, and the peace of mind that I shall only find, in your arms and gaze, your kisses so sweet, when I feel the graze of your fingers so neat, and the soft warmth of your breath searing my soul, when next I hold you, I may never let you go..."

"My dear and gentle maiden, how can I express my loving devotion to thee?
Where there mountains tween'st us I would doth scale them as if a tree, where there oceans marking our divide, I would cross then as if they only be but a puddle wide, if desert where to grow upon the land middle of us, I would tread it's sand under my feet, as if it where paltry dust!
But no matter the rivers or roads nor fields of farmers crops that mark the ways, I will forever long for your sweet lips as I count away the days, until I have you yet again where you ought to be, pressed into my side so tight in my arms next to me."

"When I say I love you, I say more than just that, I say that I think about you a lot, that I care about you, that I like the things that make you who you are, that I think your smart and pretty and talented, that I want to be close to you, that I want to hold you, shelter you, that I want to make love to you, that I want you cared for, that I want you to feel special, beautiful, important, treasured, that I would do anything for you, to hold you, to make sure your safe, that I would walk through fire without blinking, that I would climb any mountain, cross any desert, swim any ocean, fight any monster, confront any person, bear any pain, that I would give my last dime, my last breath, my last drop of blood, my very soul, my very life for you, without hesitation, or reservation, I would give any and everything for you in a heartbeat, for only you, because when I say I love you, I mean all of that and more, for you are the missing piece of my heart, and I would be so much less without you... <3 <3 <3"


So yeah... They have been on my cell for the last few months, there where others but they are more personal so I won't post them up here.

Also blogger app for i-touch FTW!

Love endures,
~Caleb

How to address/assess old bridges for mending…

As I have maintained for some time now, and as I have said more than once here on this exact blog, life is about relationships, but recently I have realized that it is also, due to the aforementioned fact, a series of choices and decisions that we make, each and every day. Life is as it is, it is what we make of it, and it is what we allow to happen, as well as how we deal with that which we cannot affect.

Now, without opening the whole can of worms that a large part of Christianity likes to argue over, insofar as free will vs. pre-destination, I believe that there is if nothing else in and of humanity, and God’s will, Free CHOICE, that is to say we all have the right and responsibility to make our decisions. And as such, we must deal with the results thereof. To expect anything else is stupid and selfish.

Pardon the rough and half thought out transition, but I’m recovering after working a double shift at work, which means I was awake for over 20 straight hours baby-sitting an empty hospital. Yup, I run that shit, and make that money don’t I?

As a point of fact, my ex, Alexis, and I have not been on normal speaking terms since shortly after the first half of February, at least, I myself have not initiated any contact since that time, the better part of eight months. Incase anyone missed it, I was VERY torn up and hurt over how that relationship went to hell in a ball of flaming cow flop, and have spent a large part of the last year almost on here, venting my spleen and rending my heart to tattered shreds, trying to reason it all out, trying to put it all in context, and I feel that I have do so, and am still doing so. Given that I am now in a whole new relationship with whom I feel is the love of my life, my soul mate, and the missing piece of my heart, and I have put everything I’ve seen and learned and thought of, into usage in my life, and offered it freely here as insight into this immensely vast and magical thing we call life, and yes, you’re very welcome internet.

Now as I said, Lexy and I haven’t been on anything approaching normal (relative as that is) speaking terms for eight months. She accused me of harassment, and called me (repeatedly, thus ironically harassing me) about that a few times in March.

Again she randomly contacted me sometime in May with a bizzaro retarded question about the Beatles edition Monopoly, which she ended up answering for herself anyways, and then over the last two or three months has been stalking my blog and dropping ill timed Text messages hinting that she has an internship with Rolling Stone Magazine, and wanted to know if I wanted her to name drop on behalf of me and my band…

My gut reaction to calling bullshit on that last part aside, I was rather tired of the “haunting” that she was doing. I and Kristen where getting rather weary of it, and I was getting mildly distracted with it all, and was wary of allowing it to go on for very long without reprisal, from myself, because I was, and still am, working hard on improving myself and my social/economic standing. I didn’t want to have my biggest and most recent Ex-girlfriend to be on my radar at all.

I told her as much. Several times. In one day. Kristen was debating on jumping in and getting personal.

However, I at last gave Alexis the opening she needed to explain herself, we talked for about a half hour or so, she explained that she was sorry for everything (the first time she’d ever said as much to me) and that she was trying to become a better person, and make amends with her past, and the mistakes she made. She also said her psychiatrist told her to and I quote; “be friends with everybody” which she said she felt also meant that she was to make everything right and good again, and rebuild all her old relationships into something better.

Now before I convey my reaction, understand that I do agree with the basic ideals of the above.

I laughed and told her to get her money back, because while its all well and good to feel that way, and try to do all of that, you must also realize that sometimes, the person your trying to repair the relationship with, doesn’t want that yet. Or ever.

Just because you want to be friends, doesn’t mean that everyone else does too.

I told her then (about two weeks ago now) that I have in fact forgiven her, and wish her the best, but that right now I don’t want any restoration in our relationship, or a new relationship, or anything to do with her right now, and that she needs to tell her friends and family to leave me alone, and that she should do the same, although she has the right to do as she sees fit, so do I, and I would gladly bring the noise down on her if she didn’t respect my polite request of her to let me be.

In the end, we agreed that one day, maybe she and I could be sociable or civil to one another, one day even we might be friends again.

That day is a little ways off honestly, I’m still a tad hurt over everything with her, healing for sure, but still hurt nonetheless, and so I’m not ready for it now.

One day?

Maybe. Sure why not?

But for now, I’m happy, content with who I’m with, happy with how life seems to be going, and I’m still slugging, and moving forward. I have endured, and I have overcome, and I am still, and always myself.

Love Endures,

~Caleb

Why I love Kristen Dennis...

... Or Comparing the traits, quarks, moods, attributes and qualities of my significant other By Caleb McConnell


Why do we find ourselves attracted to other people?
What is it that draws us to certain kinds or types of personalities?
What traits do we exhibit in and of ourselves when we allow our attraction to another person to be realized? What are the attributes and qualities that draw people together in various situations and contexts and what is it that pulls at humans like this, is it simply some biological drive, maybe a more a psychological hunger, or what if it is more intangible, a spiritual attraction, or maybe even then, for the sake of discussion, all of the above?

For me myself, this all translates into a very simple query; why do I love my girlfriend, Kristen Dennis? This is not the only reason for this little paper; it is however the directive I have picked to guide me, in conjunction with how much I do in fact care for and love her, which is likely why this will also be as much a love letter as an “academic exercise” in exploring and extrapolating the reasons she and I, despite or even due to our variations and circumstances, have made the journey from acquaintances, to casual friends, into solid friends, and then into best friends, and lastly, into lovers.

In this expansion of emotion, thought and reason, there might be some instances of outside sources (as in from the outside of my brain) in the form of Twitter or Facebook posts, as well as even Text Message exchanges and snippets from my personal Blog, along with the recounting of dreams, and even poetry, as well as a few songs I’m sure. Examples may or may not abound in this paper, but regardless of which way it works out, I will gladly expound my reasons for loving her, and what that means within. (“You ended that sentence with a preposition… BASTARD!”)



Love is a very multifaceted idea in society today, depending on your vantage point (be it socially, geographically, religiously or even politically) love might be any number of things. Such as something as benign as a fluttering little emotion that is to be observed in others, or it might be a nexus of all avarice and pain found in the world, or it might even be the cornerstone of your ideas on life. Regardless what any predominating ideals or thoughts society may or may not have on love, I have found that for myself, the ideal that love is both real, and powerful, has always served me well, and it is in my own opinion, a wonderful contrast in that while I believe in the power of love, I also believe that power is derived from the depth and context of that love, and that the common ideals held in pop culture about love, are cheap and shoddy imitations.

I also do not subscribe, at least not totally, to the position that you have no input over who you “fall in love with” in that, it is implied that you have very little choice in the matter, that you are a slave to your whims and hormones. I believe in and of myself, that while there is of course that “X factor” or that thing you cannot exactly or fully explain quantify or even control, to any true level of satisfaction anyway, there are surely other things at work that affect how you feel about another person, and if you will end up with affections for them, and or they for you.


This is not to say that I discount that factor, not at all. But it is to say that it is not the sole source of input or reasoning that I use, which I feel works best for me and my personality, case in point below, showing the more intangible emotive reactions, mixed with the more visceral physical reactions, and the way they seem to mix:

“Our first kiss was in her brother’s kitchen in Toledo, the first day I was there, barely 6 hours since we’d first met, in the Dayton airport and I’d almost shoulder tackled her trying to give her a hug. Hardly the most romantic of settings, and it was kind of a silly thing because I simply couldn’t wait any longer, and it was a golden opportunity because it was the very first time we had been alone at all for more than three seconds, and while her brother was just around the corner and down the stairs, I jumped on the moment like a starving wolf on a sick lamb…
I reached out and snagged her hand gently, tugged her back from the doorway, and gave her a smile, then pulled her towards me a step as I closed the gap and looked at her in the semi-darkness of the unlit kitchen, and looked at her, my stomach knotted up like it was the first time I’d ever kissed a girl as I softly asked her if I might give her a kiss.
She blinked at me, two or three times so fast I honestly don’t know how many times it was, a mixture of thoughts dancing across her face, through her stunning “hazel” (a mix of blue gray, green and coppery brown really) eyes. Mostly, a series of thoughts and emotions that seemed to me to read as; “Oh! Wow, already? Oh my gosh wow! Why here? Why now? Is he for real? Yes please! What TOOK him so long?!?”
All in a half second moment that passed between us as I tried not to have only the second panic attack of my life, in the middle of a strangers kitchen.
“Yeah.” She said with a small smile that was part happy, part coy, and part scared.
We kissed, and while it was far from earth shaking, or mind altering or even very long or intense, it was all I needed. It was really little more than a friendly, nervous peck, but in that moment, for a split second, there was nothing.
In my head that is. I am always a storm of noise, chaos, color, sound scents and energy inside my own head, and its very rare that I ever have a moment of total calm and quiet.
For a single thunderously silent heartbeat that flowed across every inch of my mind and torso, there was nothing at all, and the instant our lips parted, I heard a sound, like some stringed glass chime with a tube overdrive, a simple little tune that I shall forever struggle to capture or recreate without her lips on mine. And then in the next moment, we where standing in the kitchen looking at each other blushing and smiling, before we looked to the door and decided it would be a good idea to catch up with her brother…And then much later, sitting on a couch, talking, and holding hands, she leaned over on me, and I wrapped my arm around her, and before long, we kissed again, in a deep soul-searching, mind bending fashion, and then the follow-up kiss sent me over the edge into a place Id not been to in a long time, that little melody humming in the back of my mind as the rest of me shut down and my heart soared, my lips tingled, and lungs burned in sweet agony…
She is beautiful in body, spirit, and mind, soul, portion and emotion, her eyes are such that even when she cries, they are lovely, tragically so maybe, but stunning none the less...How can I sum it all up? As I said before, I really can't but hell, that's never stopped me from trying before right?” [1] (Edited for length)

Clearly I have attempted to capture with words, that which is wordless, a moment it time that will forever be burned into my heart and soul, and even if my memory of that may fade, the impression will never degrade. And for that, I am supremely grateful and in a way, indebted to her for this.


When one is comparing the various traits that they like about someone, the most common thing other people seem to speak about, is the physical appearance of a person. Be it themselves, a friend or romantic interest, or a family member (although in less detail for the latter when compared to the formers) from describing the other persons hair or eyes, to their build or the type of figure they cut, as well as other less solid things such as clothing style, or even expressions or mannerisms. This need to quantify various aspects, to explain the many facets of a person, is driven forward I think, by the need to organize things for our own selves, more than for others. Maybe I’m wrong but I always feel that for myself, it is the need to understand how a person fits into my little corner of the universe, to understand the exact standing of the relationship between me and them, that drives this, which is an interesting contrast to my “come what may, live and let live” kind of well… Lazy, approach to life, which is provoked from my need to keep external input as simple as possible, since my internal throughput is always so widespread and randomly in-depth.

As to what Love is… Well, in a simple academic sense, love is a basic human emotion, a drive even, one that we all carry within ourselves. However understanding it and why it happens is not as simple as you may think, no matter how much effort is devoted to it, and while the exercise is always an existential event, it will always in the end, elude any single defining trait to which I or anyone might attach a singular label upon. Sad but true.Indeed, it seems to me, that psychologists believe firmly that there are two basic types of love: compassionate and passionate. Compassionate love is characterized by affection, attachment, mutual respect and trust. This type of love usually develops over time out of feelings of mutual understanding, interest, empathy and respect shared by two people. Whereas passionate love is characterized by physical (pre-dominantly sexual) or intellectual attraction, intense emotions, affection, anxiety, elation and a strong desire to spend as much time with the other person as possible. So of course, it would seem to me that the balance of the two is what is vital. The transition between them, the back and forth, is what is needed for a lasting relationship. If only because we all age, we all mature, and we all evolve, or more simply, we get wrinkled. That physical attraction and the longing and drive attached to it, will not last forever, however the camaraderie, empathy, intellectual connectivity, and attachment that forges the bonds we make in life, can last forever if we put forth the effort, and it is that which can stand the test of time, if we so wish to try.

But to what do we owe such a bonding of persons? In mind, soul, heart and even body, it is the traits, the qualities and attributes that draw us in, the common interests, the common view points, the things shared, even if not totally alike, that pull us into that first level of attraction and interest, the most simple and basic connection that humanity has sought since before recorded history, a sense of “us” of the things that draw us together. I feel that the core of our very existence, pretty much on any and every level as human beings, is relationships. And the core of ANY relationship is the exchange of essence, more practically thought of as communication, and the basis for communication is contact, the reason for contact, is driven by interest, while the root of interest is attraction, and the reason for any kind of attraction, is to, of course, initiate relationships.


So then, at long last; what are some of the things that I find attractive about Kristen? What are some of the traits, quarks, moods, attributes and qualities that I like about her, that attract me to her, that bond us as friends, as romantic interests, as lovers?
Okay… here we go…

I am a person who tries to be as fair as I can, I struggle to see any and all situations as a whole, from as many varying perspectives as I can, I do my best to see “both sides of the equation” as I like to say, because it is a part of my personality, a part of my character, and it is a trait I find lacking in the vast majority of people, save for Kristen. She is likely the only other person I can think of who attempts to share this viewpoint from the get-go, and I must admit that I find it very attractive and encouraging to know that I am not totally alone in this world with how I view things and how I think and reason and react. Indeed I can say that the parallel’s between us are numerous, and telling. We both enjoy a very interesting mixture of various styles and flavors of humor, some of which is VERY specific and off beat, some of which is a rather inverted take on more commonly humorous ideas and such.
We both also enjoy many of the same sorts of entertainment, our tastes are rather diverse, and yet there is about as much divergence as overlap in such things like TV shows and book reading lists, and it is this, the things that are both alike, and that are not, that draws us together, rather than divide us. As much as we are drawn to our commonalities, we are also bound by our differences, they contrast who we are, and add depth to the commonalities we hold dear, both in our own selves, each other and in us.

It is such things that have built our mutual empathy for one another; the intellectual, psychological, creative, and emotional connections we have forged over the last three or so years, have been built slowly, but surely. And they have evolved into what I feel are the surest signs of a lasting romantic relationship; we don’t try to impress each other, because we don’t have any need to, just simply because we understand each other well enough, that there are no silly “dating” themed pretenses fogging everything up for us. Case in point: we are both very odd and random, and while we are neither one of us is ashamed of this, we know that when it comes to being totally unfiltered and honest, we can totally and fully trust one another, more than any other person to be totally honest. This is the addition, the parallel to the other realms and contexts in life that we share another key sign; total and absolute honesty. No explanation required says I, because there simply is no reason to expand on the fact that when I say “I’m sorry, I can’t hear you over the sound of how awesome I am.” She can say “Well if you maybe ever got your head out of your ass…” and we can laugh about it. Or she can say “What?” and I reply “You.” and that is a perfectly legitimate answer, even when she claims that it is not, and vice versa. Something I value highly in our relationship is that we can avoid being cross with each other when we tease and taunt, torment and exasperate one another, which then I feel that is all based in a threefold foundation built in trust, honesty, and understanding. It is this, driven by the desire that I have, and that I truly believe she shares with me, to be with her, to spend time together, to know and understand as much as possible, to connect in every way we can, from simply talking back and forth, to kissing, hugging, sharing dreams and ideas, creating stories together. And even one day, when the time is right, and we are both ready, yes, yes, to be physically intimate as well, to know one another in whole, as well as in part. The idea that we both wish it to be, that we will get to watch each other grow, evolve, learn, age, mature, expand, to share the process, and journey called life, to spend forever, not so much as two people connected in a shallow or simple way, but to become two personality’s merged into a whole. One that is both equal, and greater than the sum of its parts. I truly want to grow old gray and fat with her, I want to watch the world change with her, I want to watch her succeed, and I want to succeed both for myself, and for her, and I want to spend every night with her in my arms, keeping her safe from the world.


If it is not yet fully clear and plain, then let me dispel any doubts; I cannot fully explain what it is about her really, or why I love her. Why I care for her, want her and need her, as I do. I can explain it in part, and I can example endlessly, I can speak of love songs, and paintings. I can write poems and stories until all the ink in the world is used, and every scrap of paper is covered. It is not enough, because I cannot define it wholly, and yet, it is that in and of itself that makes me love her, the fact that while I can explain it in part, it is that mysterious force that I cannot resist, nor quantify. It is like grasping at a sunbeam, I can feel its warmth, see its shimmering, blinding brilliance, and yet, I cannot take hold of it or capture it.
Yet I shall forever attempt it.

She is not a common beauty, she is rather plain and tall, simple and direct, in both manner and style. She carries herself with a simple dignity and grace that is uncommon, unique in that while she is rather un-feminine in many of her tastes, habits, preferences and ideals, she is still, so very womanly, feminine to a wondrously human fault. There is something about all girls that is so, indeed paradoxal, but for her, it is even more so, there is that something extra to her, something “otherish” a something inescapable and special. Her smile, her eyes, her laugh and her voice, all are magical to me. I know some might say that she is rather plain, or very simple, and perchance not very attractive. Too many freckles, too skinny, too tall, too pale, too tomboyish, too opinionated, too nerdish, too creative, too quiet, too prudish.
Pardon my French, but fuck that to hell and back;. I think freckles are sexy and pale is something that happens when one has freckles, and it does not bother me in the least. I love intelligence, and I believe that creativity is a large part of it, and I think that being nerdish or geeky is fine, it is nothing strange or shameful; it just means you are not overly worried with the dominating forces in pop-culture, which I myself am not. I do not care for a girls weight one way or the other honestly, we are all different, all shapes and sizes, and so long as she is healthy, meaning she is not starving herself, nor over eating, then I am happy, and so long as she is happy with herself and knows that I love her no matter what her weight is, then that’s all that matters. I like the fact that she is tall, I am rather very tall, myself, and it is a nice change of pace, seeing that all of my previous girlfriends where under five feet and five inches. I like that Kristen fits in my side perfectly, that we can stand side to side, her shoulder tucked under mine, her head on my chest, and that my head can lean over on top of hers. It is in fact, I feel that because she is so “not”, that is to say, against the various stereotypical ideals of young ladies her age (and beyond) that while the popular ideal might be to view her as rather odd or strange, I feel it only enhances her as a whole, in every part, but even more to the point, in her simple, wholesome, and unfettered beauty. My god, she is the most gorgeous thing I have ever seen, and it is driven because, she is not pretentious, nor frilly, nor even fully comfortable and aware of her stunningly simple and pure beauty.


It is that otherish part of her, that is so unlike anything or anyone else I have ever known, that draws me in, and it is the level of connection that has bonded me to her, and her to me. It is and it is not, the only reason, and she is both not, and yet still is, the most feminine person. She is the most inspiring girl I’ve met, I long for the time we had together, and the time we have yet to share. I yearn for the chance to crash my lips upon hers, and to feel her curves pressed into my side, to feel the warmth of her breath on my neck, to have her soft, coolly warm fingers trace my arms, and to feel her heartbeat next to mine.

In closing, it is simply that she is that unnamable, lost and unknown, yet fully aware part of my soul, heart, and body that I have been searching for my whole life, the lover of my heart, and the balm to my soul. The girl of my dreams, the lover I have always yearned and ached for, the partner I have always needed, the comfort I have always sought. She is in fact, my , doppelganger the other side of the coin I have found myself upon. She is the partner I need for my journey, the catalyst for my process, she has given my life, a meaning and a reason I will forever struggle to define, and has made be long to be worthy of her incredible person.
I hardly feel up to the task of loving her, but I will not let that keep me from trying.

It is all around me, I am not blinded, but empowered by it, and I am burned by the cold tear of absence, and yet am also risen up by its light and heat.
It is love, for her, for the ideal of us, and it is what fuels me even now.

I am hopelessly in love with you Kristen Brianne Dennis, and I wouldn’t have it any other way.

<3

* [1] from the Blogger post “A Shotgun recap?” on Thursday, August 11, 2011: Edited for length

SO yeah... 3,855 words later... heeee...

Had fun doing this, next time, I'll post something on the fly, since this took the better of 43 weeks to do ;p

True Love Endures,

~Caleb

You never know...

You never know if you don't... ahh.. well, hell, fill in the blank; try, ask, do, go, dream...


Last night me and my main man Brent, went to Buon Giorno Coffee in Grapevine for the open mic night, one of our favorite places and things to do, and we brought the NOISE kiddos, he bang-rocked his drum kit, and I slapped my Strat like a dirty girl, and we managed to chase out 2/3's of the high school students in the place out onto the patio, but for they who stayed, they got to hear a raw and fresh sound, the first tentative performance of our band "Political Caricature" (a name which will be explained at a later date I'm sure ;p)

And when we got done, and where all packed up and ready to jet, we where pinged by a guy named Travis, who is apparently a freelance journalist, and was hoping to get an article into Rolling Stone Magazine...


Holy shit on a flaming stick!

Myself and Bret and his saint of a girlfriend Nichole talked to him for the better part of an hour, and it was GREAT, he said he was working on an article about how the local music scene's across the mid and south west shifts, and was talking to the people that are keeping it real, the everyday folks who don't make a single thin dime from their music, they just do it because it's what they love.

That is me and Bret through and through.

Man I cannot even begin to express how righteous it was to play, and have a few excited and apparently impressed people give good feedback, its so encouraging, and its nice to know that others are enjoying the magic, because for me, it is not for others that I play music, but for myself, and if others enjoy it or get something from it, then that's pretty righteous too.


Either way, no matter if we get some ink'd mention in a major music rag or not, it was a lot of fun to share some of the passion and vision we share, because for us it is all about the music, and the good lord forbid we should ever reach a place where it's just not fun, where it's a business or a job, because that will be the day that the music dies for me, and I pray that day never comes.


Love peace and chicken grease internets, catch ya on the flip flop, and endure,
~Caleb

ABC's of... whatever... xD

A - AVAILABLE: Negatory

B - BIRTHDAY: 11/29

C- CRUSHING ON: My Kitten ^_^

D - DRINK YOU LAST HAD: H2O

E - EASIEST PERSON TO TALK TO: The scattered group of weirdos I call my friends xD

F - FAVORITE SONG AT THE MOMENT: Threshold ~ Sex Bob-omb / Beck

H - HOMETOWN: Fort Worth Texas

I - IN LOVE WITH: Kristen <3

J- JUGGLE: uhh, Juggle WHAT exactly?

K - KILLED SOMEONE: Not yet, but I've come dammed close

L - LONGEST CAR RIDE: uhhh, from Larime Wy to Fort Worth Tx in one flipping shot (thanks dad)

M- MILKSHAKE FLAVOR: ANYTHING Chocolatey!

N - NUMBER OF SIBLINGS: 3 (blood) 5 (by personal bond) so 8 (total?)

O - ONE WISH: Same thing I wish for at all hours of the day...

P - PERSON YOU CALLED LAST: my Kitten <3

R- REASON TO SMILE: I have a few

S - SONG YOU LAST HEARD: Pressing On ~ Reliant K

T - TIME YOU WOKE UP: 10:05 am

U - UNDERWEAR COLOR: blue (?)

V - VEGETABLE(S): uuhhhh... Herm... Idk what this question is meant to mean honestly...

W - WORST HABIT: ADD

X - X-RAYS YOU'VE HAD MOST RECENTLY:uhhh... Idk, my arm like 5+ years ago?

Y - YOYOS ARE: frustrating

Z - ZODIAC SIGN: Sagittarius

RANDOM QUESTIONS ABOUT YOU

Your favorite number: 3

What color do you wear most: blues or reds, maybe black

Least favorite color: faded grass green

What are you listening to: one of my playlist.com playlists, aka Endlessly ~ Green River Ordinance

Are you happy with your life right now: not totally no, gonna work on that

What is your favorite class in school: Guitar Ensemble

Who is your best friend: that was a stupid question

Who are your best friends: there's a few of them

Are you outgoing: when I feel like it

Favorite pair of shoes: my dirty ol' worn down wheat colored Lugs

Can you dance?: uhhh no not really...

Can you tie a cherry stem with your mouth: never tried

Can you whistle: Yup

Cross your eyes: indeed

Walk with your toes curled: uhh... never tried

Do you believe there is life on other planets: wouldn't surprise me but I'm not holding my breath

Do you believe in miracles: I'm alive, in love, and not in jail, how could I not?

Do you believe in magic: slight of hand? indeed, mysterious powers that cannot be explained? ehhh... not exactly

Love at first sight: It can happen, but it is so very rare

Do you believe in Satan: The way the man once said it; if you believe in God, you gotta believe there's a devil

Do you believe in Santa: ehhh, the ideal, sure, the person, nope

Do you know how to swim: yup

Do you like roller coasters: HELL'z TO TEH YEAH!

Do you think you could handle the stuff they eat on those reality shows: ehhh....

Have you ever been on a plane: indeed

Have you ever asked someone out: yupz

Have you ever been to the ocean: yupz

Have you ever painted your nails: nevar

THE WHATS

What is the temperature outside: upper 80's I do believe

What radio station do you listen to: ehh, it varies, mostly based on when I listento the radio

What was the last restaurant you ate at: uhhh... Mcd's xD

What was the last thing you bought: ahhh... Gas for the car I do believe

What was the last thing on TV you watched: uhhh... I think it was King of the Hill...

THE WHOS

Who was the last person you IM'd: Kristen

Who was the last person you took a picture of: Kristen

Who was the last person you said I love you to: Kristen... What? I see no issue with this!

CRYING SECTION

Ever really cried your heart out: indeed

Ever cried yourself to sleep: more than once

Ever cried on your friend's shoulder: yeah...

Ever cried over the opposite sex: of course

Do you cry when you get an injury: rarely, unless it hurts like a mudder'fracker

Do certain songs make you cry: hmmm... yeah I guess so

HAPPY SECTION

Are you a happy person?: I can be yeah

... WHAT?!? THATS really IT?!?!?

LOOK AT ME

What is your current hair color: Light(?) brown

CURRENTLY WEARING

What shirt are you wearing: a grey n black tee

Pants: new jeans ;p

Shoes: my old black New Balance sneakers ;p

Necklaces: nope

Underwear: duh

IN A BOY/GIRL

Favorite eye color: anything thats an interesting combo, like Green and gold ;p <3

Short or long hair: longish plz

HAVE YOU EVER:

Been to jail: yup

Mooned someone: not that I can recall

Thought about suicide: a few times

Laughed so hard you cried: heck yeah xD

Cried in school: classified

Thrown up in a store: uhhh... nope

Wanted to be a model: ... are you kidding me?

Seen a dead body: uhh... yeah, funerals tend to have at least one of them there...

Been on drugs: ...

Gone skinny dipping: once yeah xD

THIS OR THAT

Pepsi or Coke: either or, I dont care xD

McDonald's or Burger King: see above ;p

Single or Group Dates: Single, are preferred, but groups can be fun xD

Chocolate or Vanilla: both?

Strawberries or Blueberries: uhhh,,, either?

Meat or Veggies: pish, both duh?

TV or Movie: Movies!

Guitar or Drums: Guitar AND Drums

Adidas or Nike: LUGZ

Chinese or Mexican: uhhh... either or both?

Yup, theres the random for the month I think... maybe... Now why for the love of the interwebs has the bold type face been creeping this up?

Ehh, wha'evers, deuces Internet, until next time;

Love remains, Love endures, Love wins, and Love is all you need.

Endure

~Caleb

Well... Honestly... ;P

I will never tire of expressing myself on this subject, or in this way (as well as others) so yeah...

Enjoy!

-^_^-

I went got my halo outta hock, and proved my parents stock,
dinged and dented, it still holds some shine,
but my horns are in the way, filed down n' burnished, and still sharp,
my heart soars if only thanks to you, you've no clue all that you do,
for me and my soul are born anew, from your eyes and smile and sleek sinew,
how can I not say ''please stay in my life, oh how I love you..''
for this above all to you and myself, I will stay true.

I love ya Kitten, with all I am, and while I miss you a little more every day, it somehow gets easier, just knowing that for however long we may be apart, its not forever <3

Live, Love, Endure,

~Caleb

tick tock

It has been over six months now, since I realized I fell in love with her, almost five since we started dating, long distance, working feverishly to overcome the challenges our relationship faces, ultra conservative parents, a thousand miles and a time zone, over five years between our ages, and the damage of past relationships and far from perfect childhoods, without any clear reason other than it seems and feels right, other than it just happened, and it seems to be the answer to both of our prayers.

So how can I quantify it all?


The hurt it deadens itself, slowly, like glaciers inching to their watery doom, if love kills slowly, then let me die in a lifetime, in your arms, with your lips on my neck, your body next to mine, the cool warmth of your hands on my chest, clasping my own, your eyes lighting my soul, your voice lulling me into a serene daze, your kisses igniting my soul like an atom bomb in slow motion, your tears like the ocean filling a cup, poured over my thirsty heart...


I miss you my dear one, more than I can fully explain, I missed you before I ever really met you, and now that I have, I miss you all the more, but I am grateful for that dull cold burn, because without it, then I would not have ever been as close to you as I now wish I was, because it would not be there without my having held you close, kissed your lips, or held your hand.

I want you, I need you, all I am is yours, whatever you will do with me, do it at your leisure…


Other deep and wondrous and likely more social ponderings and rants to follow at a later date kiddos, in the interim…



Above all else, Love is the greatest, Love remains, and Love Wins.
I shall endure, if only for my own stubbornness or the grace of God above,
~Caleb Mac

Frustrations…

I know, I’m “too sensitive” according to so many of my detractors, who will also within a short span of time, call me an unfeeling callous fruckin’sum’bitch.

I find it borderline entertaining that within a week, I have been called a saint, and a sinner, or more precisely a “great guy” and then a “smart-ass creep” or comparatively “the best guy I’ve ever dated” to a “terrible person” or a “wonderful person” to a “total fucking dick” and lastly the contrast of being either a “kind of stand up, knight in armor” to “a twisted maniacal controlling psychopath with a superiority complex”…

Hot steaming dog crap on a saltine, that is all just hysterical…

And the wonder of it all, is that other than maybe a very few persons, I honestly don’t give a neon flying rat screw with a sack o’ chips about what anyone thinks, feed em’ fish heads I say, its all just so much BS n noise ya savvy?

And yet… Say the wrong thing to or about anyone dear and near to me, and I go from the easy going, nothin’ got me down smart-aleck I normally am, into a fire and brimstone fueled, mushroom cloud dropping, face, ego, intellect and emotional destroying Fury of the ancient Greek caliber with the unholy rage of the Celtic god of wrath and his half-brother, the god of war’s cunning…

If I could get in touch with anyone willing to comment and attest to seeing me in full on fangs bared, claws out, “where’s my gun?” battle mode, well then I would hardly have to try (and fail, I might add) and paint some over the top picture about how I feel deep down inside, the unmitigated rage that I must restrain whenever I hear tell of injustice or unfairness, or even the mildest slight, being enacted against my dearest’s.

Which brings me to my primary point; people, grow the fuck up, and stop treating each other like week old dog crap, Christ said “This is my commandment, that you love one another, that you’re joy may be full.” Not “can you all try to get along?” not “Try not to argue so much?” or “please limit the pain and frustration you inflict on others?”

I mean, lets be REAL, cut the crap and all that jazz; “This is my commandment, that you love one another, that you’re joy may be full.” Its in all 4 of the Gospels’ for crying out loud right? Sooo… that would be pretty important right? How’bout the fact that when asked which was the greatest of the commandments, Jesus answered; “Love the Lord your God with all your heart, mind, soul and strength, and love your neighbor as yourself, for this sums up and satisfies the whole of the Law and the Prophets.”

Love.

Let me say it again for you who are totally slow or not paying attention and are waiting for the juicy personal details I seem to spew out here.

Love.

LOVE.

“Love is patient , love is kind, love hardly notices an offence, love covers a multitude of sins, love does not look for or take joy in sin or suffering.”

ECT…

What really burns me up, is that people always seem to treat each other so poorly, and it always seems to be they who are closest to each other that are the most savage, and I will admit, I am as guilty of this as any and everyone else, maybe even in my own little way, more so, and yet…

I do not care what you may say to or about me, as long as it is not a blatant lie or falsehood made to smear my name, or drive a wedge between me and mine.

And yet, when they whom I care most for, are hurt, slandered, shamed, disrespected, made sport of, needlessly chastised, berated, belittled, scorned, or otherwise devalued or dehumanized… Lets just be glad I have more than a small measure of self-control, and that for a few things, at a few various times I was either unaware, pre-occupied, in another city and or state, or otherwise removed from direct contact of certain instances.

Otherwise I might be in jail, and others would be in either the grave, or at least the hospital.

All of that flows into my greatest frustration; the feeling of being powerless to act on the behalf of one who needs it.

Elementally so, this is likely my greatest fear, frustration, and failing, and I will not mince words, or needlessly expand verbosely.

I HATE IT!

So is it such a surprise when I act as I do when I can overcome it?

I think not…

You don’t like it?

You take issue with it?

Fuck you and the horse you rode in on, and take that to heart internet, trust me, as someone who has been forcibly subjected to barely whispered horrors more than once, at a fairly young age, begging God above that SOMEONE, ANYONE, would act on my behalf, being made to feel ashamed at my own impotence and weakness, being in a place to act on the behalf of they what need it most, be it extending grace and mercy, or becoming the hammer of Karma, the wrath of God made flesh, how can you dare judge me for acting as I do, when I do, with the utmost clarity I am able to conjure within myself, acting with every ounce of pure, righteous, unselfish, and unpretentious moral reason within me…

And to all of you who are my dearest’s, and can understand and respect what I mean with what I have said; you have me as your comrade, your ally, your friend, me, a Half Irish mutt from Texas.

“Texans, they are the best and most kindly neighbors, the best friends, and the worst adversaries, clearly the most fearsome of allies, and enemies I have ever heard of, God love them.” ~(1841) Unknown

Take from this whatever you will, you should be able to think for yourself, and if you can’t, then why in the name of God above are you looking to me to do it for you?

Above all else, Love is the greatest, Love remains, and Love wins.

Endure,
~Caleb

Where the thoughts have no name...

I find that I am REALLY missing my laptop right now, as I am wracking my brain to recall a letter I wrote some time around Valentines Day this year, and yet, I cannot recall it with enough clarity to reproduce it here and now I fear... However, I have found something else; a poem I wrote sometime in 2009, and I can recall that I thought I had written it for a previous girlfriend, and yet, I find it chillingly vague and yet pointed, aimed at practically every Ex I've had, and yet hindsight tells me it is aimed at but one person, and given the apparent timing, it is shiveringly dumbfounding to say the least...

Soar, soar ever more, my heart will fly away, to your lips, to your eyes, brighter than day.

To your voice, to your scent sweet as dew, to the place we first met, where we first knew,

of rapture, of joy, of love, so dear to behold. Of summer and fun and laughter so bold, of whispers of nothing and kisses so sweet, of ice cream and cheeseburgers and dirty bare feet.

Soar, soar ever true, my heart will find you, where ever you are, where ever you go, I will know and you too. You heart calls my own, with a voice only I hear, across the room, or the town, I feel your pull, my heart aches to see your face and feel your warmth in my embrace.

Soar, soar ever you, soar in my mind in that way you do, across the sky, I see you fly, in my mind, an angel in you, I find you glow inward from your soul, a heavenly view.

Soar, soar nevermore, I find I’ve lost you… Not to be, not to me, and of course not to you…

Never more to hold your hand, or even to eat with you, never more to hear you voice, to feel your warmth or even to see you…

And yet it is for the best… for now I find…

I…

never…

loved…

You…

All I can and will say is that I can look back at everything I have been through over the last 5-6 years of my life, and I can see how it has all come down to this instant in time, and I can see a few of the ways things might go from here, and where I might end up, and I can see that as long as I just give it my all, and trust God above, and never doubt the power of true love, and that it will always find a way, then you know what? No matter what may happen, I'll be okay...




Turning slowly, burning cold, scars of foolish whimsy turn ashen gold,
Tender under your sweet administrations, affection a force mightier than nations,
Afour letter word binds me still, a curse not by my own definition,
A common toy in the mouths and actions of a jaded generation
A game I have lost, and gained even so,
A growing part of myself I now truly know,
For if blind I now be, I do not wish to see,
Still if love kills slowly, then let me be,
Myself to die, as I now yet awake,
Nevermore my heart will I now take, for it is no longer mine, but yours to keep,
And in deepest peace my soul shall weep for the burning salve hot and burning to sear my mind and soul,
Destructive and foolish, stupid and weak,
The common held truth I dare not seek,
For I have found what my spirit most needs, a flower has sprouted from the seeds,
Planted in earnest innocence, I know not my fate still,
But I know my heart now and forever will,
Be tied to yours, so call me what they will,
It is not their choice, but mine ever still to admit with all fault,
It is not what others think,
It is love so simple and natural,
Into which I gladly sink.


Be, Love, and Endure,
~Caleb

Warmth and motion, weight and depth...

There are not enough words, in all the tongues of the universe, to express how I feel, how I am, after having met you…

The holes in my heart have plagued me so, filled with determent, and falsehood, chasing the wind and finding the rain.

The pain I feel now is a sweet numb thumping in my chest, as I miss the feel of you on me, your skin on mine, your fingers filling the gaps between my own, your fingers lightly, gently tracing the contours of my arm, feeling the texture of the hair that covers it, your head on my shoulder, next to my chest, your hair so close and sweet, your smile faint, and your eyes bright with all that you are barely veiled from the world.

I miss the cool warmth of your soft skin brushing mine, your lips dusting my cheek with affection, your voice small quiet and sweet, gently calling to me “come back?” when I lean away to look at you, and drown in the depth of your eyes for a moment.

The feel of your side pressed into mine, your hand gently resting on my back or chest, a small, gentle hug, and that small loving smile, all speak of life, love, and the universe to me, I sometimes doubt that you are fully aware of how much you mean to me, of how much I love you… And I know you say the same of me, so could it be, that in fact, we are both fully aware how important the other is?

I have never felt so loved, and yet, I have never hurt or longed so much before, yet it is a bitter-sweet pain, that I am thankful for, because without it, then I would have never met you, either as a personality, nor as a person, and I know that I am better for it, for not being able to escape the gentle rain falling upon my soul, the steady flow that is your soul, the small bright point of purest energy, beautiful and creative, that which is most sacred, the core of who and what you are, your spirit, your deepest heart, has reached out, and dug into the vastness of facets that I cannot help being, and even if just for a moment, you have touched the deepest parts of me, your core, has touched my own and I forever grateful, and changed…

To put it plainly, you haven’t flinched away yet, and you have started the process of convincing myself, that I am in fact worth the time and effort and emotions needed to truly know me from the outside in…

I know you certainly are worth it, my treasure, my love… Oh how worth it you are…

I wanna hold your hand, cause all you need is love.
Above all else, Love is the greatest, Love remains, and Love wins.

Endure,
~Caleb

A shotgun recap?

How can I properly recount my vacation? How can I capture every moment that passed by my eyes, every step I took, look I traded, glance I shared, and sound I heard?

How can I capture the moments, the hours, the minuets, the days, the nights, the smells and the lights?

Properly? I cannot.

In the best way I can? Oh hell yes…

I saw a new place, a new land in a way, Ohio is NOT Texas, it’s a crap ton of fields and trees, with a scattering of civilization and a messy yet simple maze of roadways, strangely different blue skies, with clouds that shift and fade and roll in ways I cannot reconcile with what I know and hold dear.

I am a Texan first, and an American second, I am proud of my heritage, both in my bloodlines and in my historical home and native landscape, God bless Texas, and the USA, and ya know what, I don’t care if I sound like some old fuggy I AM proud of who I am and where I come from, Texas has the bluest skies and the brightest days, the most star-studded nights and the brightest skylines as far as I can tell, and I HAVE in fact been about; I’ve seen New York and L.A., Albuquerque, Denver, Atlanta and Philadelphia, and now Cleveland and Toledo and I can say, they are all lovely in their own ways, but they are not Dallas or Fort Worth or Austin or San Antonio or Corpus Christi or even Tyler.


Think about that for a moment and realize what I mean when I say all of that, then consider the gravity of what now follows; I would leave Texas in a heartbeat to be with her.

~geargrind~

Shut up Internet, I’m ADD in case you missed it, and if so, then welcome to the party children, now buckle up, shut up, and enjoy the ride damn you…

Our first kiss, was in her brothers kitchen in Toledo, the first day I was there, barely 6 hours since we’d first met, in the Dayton airport and I’d almost shoulder tackled her trying to give her a hug. Hardly the most romantic of settings, and it was kind of a silly thing because I simply couldn’t wait any longer, and it was a golden opportunity because it was the very first time we had been alone at all for more than three seconds, and while her brother was just around the corner and down the stairs, I jumped on the moment like a starving wolf on a sick lamb…

I reached out and snagged her hand gently and tugged her back from the doorway, and gave her a smile, then pulled her towards me a step as I closed the gap and looked at her in the semi-darkness of the unlit kitchen, and looked at her, my stomach knotted up like it was the first time I’d ever kissed a girl as I softly asked her if I might give her a kiss.

She blinked at me, two or three times so fast I honestly don’t know how many times it was, a mixture of thoughts dancing across her face, through her stunning “hazel” (a mix of blue gray, green and coppery brown really) eyes. Mostly, a series of thoughts and emotions that seemed to me to read as; “Oh! Wow, already? Oh my gosh wow! Why here? Why now? Is he for real? Yes please! What TOOK him so long?!?”

All in a half second moment that passed between us as I tried not to have only the second panic attack of my life, in the middle of a strangers kitchen.

“Yeah.” She said with a small smile that was part happy, part coy, and part scared.

We kissed, and while it was far from earth shaking, or mind altering or even very long or intense, it was all I needed. It was really little more than a friendly, nervous peck, but in that moment, for a split second, there was nothing.

In my head that is.

I am always a storm of noise, chaos, color, sound scents and energy inside my own head, and its very rare that I ever have a moment of total calm and quiet.

For a single thunderously silent heartbeat that flowed across every inch of my mind and torso, there was nothing at all, and the instant our lips parted, I heard a sound, like some stringed glass chime with a tube overdrive, a simple little tune that I shall forever struggle to capture or recreate without her lips on mine.

And then in the next moment, we where standing in the kitchen looking at each other blushing and smiling, before we looked to the door and decided it would be a good idea to catch up with her brother Cameron and finish the tour of the new house he was renting.

The next few kisses where just small sweet gestures, nervous exchanges of emotion and hormones and affectionate overtures of a long ago established connection. Wonderful fluff n' stuff for sure.

And then much later, sitting on a couch, talking, and holding hands, she leaned over on me, and I wrapped my arm around her, and before long, we kissed again, in a deep soul-searching, mind bending fashion, and then the follow-up kiss sent me over the edge into a place Id not been to in a long time, that little melody humming in the back of my mind as the rest of me shut down and my heart soared, my lips tingled, and lungs burned in sweet agony.

“Whoa.”

That’s about all I could say…

That’s all I can really say about every kiss after that, every nuzzle, and hug, smile and smirk, kiss and cuddle and every little look, laugh, sigh and tear are tiny little golden crystal drops of magic and awe that I shall hold dear, and as I told her more than once, she is my treasure, she is the most beautiful girl in the world to me, she is gorgeous inside and out, for all of the things that are about her, a part of her, work in concert together, no single part of her is what attracts me, but her as a whole, is what I find so appealing, drawing me in a way I cannot explain, pulling me to her on a level that transcends all other reason or rhyme for me.

She is beautiful in body, spirit, and mind, soul, portion and emotion, her eyes are such that even when she cries, they are lovely, tragically so maybe, but stunning none the less...How can I sum it all up? As I said before, I really can't but hell, that's never stopped me from trying before right?



Hey Twitter, what was all that I was jabbering on about a little while a go?

When it comes to the one person you love above all else in the world the one that matters most to you there is no such thing as ''too much''

The happiest of people don't necessarily have the best of everything they just make the most of everything that comes along their way

Every time my eyes slide open, and every instance that I'm awake, serves to make me think about you no matter the distance time may take...



Kristen, I have realized I almost enjoy missing you, meaning I like the reasons I'm able to miss you but I don't like missing you, and I would do or give all you would ask and more, freely commit to what you could not or would not require, if only because you are my treasure, my girl, my kitten, my love, the only one I want, the one I need, and the one I wish to share and spend my life with forever.

I want to have children with you, God help the world, and I want to grow old fat and gray with you, and torment the attendants at the retirement home with a geriatric segway gang.

You are a piece of me, that I didn't fully realize was missing, and now...

I am forever grateful to you for everything, your friendship, your love, your time, and your emotions that you have invested in me, I can only hope you understand, even in part how I feel about you...


*~Ahem~*

HIT IT YOUTUBE!






I wanna hold your hand, cause all you need is love.
Above all else, Love is the greatest, Love remains, and Love wins.

Endure,
~Caleb

Gravity and Light...

Digesting the last few days has been an almost full time job for my sub-conscious as my higher and more aware functions have been wrapped up in everything that has been going on, everything and everywhere and everyone.

I have just spent six days having, thus far, the best time of my life, I’ve seen more of this still great nation, (no matter how badly the poli’s and newsies try and paint n’ shade it) met some new and pretty friggin righteous people, and have truly found, who I feel is my one true love. Yes, I do believe that I have found my someone, she also happens to be my female doppelganger, best friend, and the one and only person who can out sarcastic or out think me, and thus far the one and only person who not only can put up with me, but takes me as I am and loves me no matter what, and trusts me more than I deserve to be…

Hey y’all, watch this, I’ma usin the clutch!

It all feels as if it really was a dream, and yet I know it is real,

I know now you are real, and above all else, I know how you feel,

I can’t quantify this feeling that seeps into my bones, creeps throughout my brain,

I can feel everything as it filters down my brain, but this smoldering sparks a passionate joy born of pain.

The paradox my mind creates, this feeling that it is not real, yet this awareness that is more honest and acute than anything else, balance against me, pushing me to and fro, and suddenly I find myself in tears; “I don’t want to go.”

Your kisses are simple, bittersweet and intense, returning the longing I hold in every breath, your fingers and palms, small cool yet soft and strong, fill the spaces left in my own, and when I look closely I can see what was shown, that the holes in my arms, my hands and my side, where made by me, for you, carved out by the acid tears I have cried.

And the contrast remains, even when weeping, your eyes are a sight, stunning to behold, defying defining words, bucking convention, awe flowing out, bright and deep and hiding that wit, guarding your heart yes every little bit, but I can see past the walls, and touch your heart, if only just, the touches you give me inspire more than mere lust, but a longing to contact, to hold and protect, to guard and to shelter, to offer haven, safe and true, to nuzzle your cheek and whisper “I love you” until the words are but breath, hot and slow, air passing by in the light of the sun, golden and pure, shining in your eyes, wet with tears, mixed with joy and regret, pain and understanding, longing and resolve, how can I not burn slowly, and drown in your eyes, you spectacular awe inspiring and most stunning beauty?

Its not one single thing about you, but all things in concert, not just form of body, or mind or spirit, but all three flowing into the same, a creature of perfect flawed humanity, not the perfect girl, but the perfect girl for me, because you love me when I am just a mess trying to pull myself back together into a shamble of passable or excusable male humanity because I am far too stubborn and masculine for anyone’s good, far less my own.

And yet you provide the sweetest calm, the shelter from the world, the calm eye of my storm, the most delectable scalding, the most needed chill, the answer to the question I never know how to ask…

I love you Kristen, God help me I do, I cannot promise you more than what I have, and all I am is all I have, and all I am is my heart, and my heart…

Is yours, and I know you will keep it well, as I try to do the same with yours…

"Close your eyes, and I’ll kiss you, tomorrow I’ll miss you, remember I’ll always be true.
And then while I’m away, I’ll write home every day, and I’ll send all my lovin’ to you…"

I wanna hold your hand, because all you need is love, and it is for love, above all else, that I shall endure, if only for my own stubbornness, or the everlasting grace of God above.

~Caleb