… Or “Ghosts of Girlfriends and past relationships!” [pt.3]
It was about that time that I was really getting into online Roll Play, something I’d fallen into quite by accident, while looking for some fun way to burn up my free time both on campus and at home, when I found a web site that was based around one of my all time favorite TV shows, Teen Titans. And for me, the center of the universe for that, was Proboards, a web service that hosted web-based bulletin boards, catering to everything from discussion and advice forums, to news, information sites, fan listings, and yes, of course turn based Roll Play…
In the online community, there are MANY sects and “nations” and areas of the net that are inhabited, and many of us travel in various circles within, Facebook, MySpace, Yahoo, Google, YouTube, the list goes on. I of course ran in the little known circle of Proboards users, and in the narrow sect of them known as “RP’ers”.
It is from there that I have met a number of my current friends, and while time and distance might separate us, we all have a good level of respect for one another, and we do our best to be solid and honest friends to each other every time we get the chance.
It was there that I met Alexis, my now ex-girlfriend, whom I have devoted what some (myself included) might think to be WAY too much effort to writing about here in this blog, and right wrong or indifferent, she was a very big part of my life for a long time.
I’ll not go into too much detail right now, but the short version is that we met on a roll play and discussion forum, and after a few short months, of being friendly on the site, we progressed to being friendly outside of the site, on MSN messenger, and before long, we had built up enough trust, that we traded cell phone numbers, and started texting each other back and forth with thoughts and options on various movies, and with plot ideas for the RP stories we where involved in at the time.
I must state here, that the biggest draw for me, to Roll Playing, was the writing, I found that it REALLY helped me grow in my writing, and that could only help, given my dyslexia (or the form of it I have called Dysgraphya) and the fact that I was not yet writing on a college level consistently.
That and I love stories, real or imagined, there is a kind of magical quality that they hold for me, but that’s something else for another time.
Alexis and I became fast friends, and before long, after she had finally gotten away from her crap boyfriend Pat, and was single she seemed to stabilize from her on again off again depression. But within three months, she had a massive crush on me, and despite being seven years younger than myself, I went and took the selfish and slightly lonely (and I must confess, horny) route, and told her that I had a crush on her as well. I did, but it was TINY, still I knew that if I gave it just a little time, I would fall for her as well. Never mind the fact that I knew better, knowing what I did about her, her background, her past, and her personality, but, what can I say? She was cute n sexy, she dug me, and I was feeling careless and lonely at the time. Not saying that makes it okay, because it so does not, but, I knew that I would fall for her, if I gave it half a chance.
Oh how I fell for her…
I fell in love with that goofy little lush, and I fell out of who I really was to keep her interested in me, granted I had already veered from my moral and ideological center before her, due to my own foolish (if not somewhat justified) rebellion, and stupid choices, but then I started to justify my moral lapses, and even push the boundaries where Id not ever pushed them before, all because of her, and… I lied, fluffed myself up in some ways, down played some things, and just left out others, I made it into a game, and I must confess, I made two massive mistakes in that; one, I made it into a game, which one should NEVER DO when dealing with their emotions or someone else’s, and two, I blurred the lines between what was real, and what was a game, which made a bad thing, worse all around.
For two years, she was my dirty little secret, my favorite disease, my repeat offence and it was… hell, I'm not gonna lie, it was FUN, a shit load of fun, it was sexy, it was exciting, it was pretty much an affair without “the other woman” unless one thinks of Alexis as the other woman, and my constant assertion to those around me (namely family and the few decent friends I had) that I was happy being single (which, I had been, until I caved with Alexis) and my moral center playing the roll of my spouse and family, in the allegorical sense.
So many mistakes, so much bullshit n noise, and so little desire to revisit it all…
There are others, current friends, and friends rediscovered, and they shall get their due here as well, but not today, not now.
Right now, I am at peace, I have said all I needed to say on the matter, in this context.
Be good to each other, Deuces n Rock Children,
~Caleb
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