Annnyyyyyyywhoozit...
Wow, tis the eve of my trip, and I am very excited, slightly nervous, and more than a tad hyper and nerve fried, and yet I feel as if likely one of the best weeks of my life is about to start, and I can't help but have this sense of zen about it all, a kind of orderly calm out of the normal chaos of my head heart and soul, a normal balance that is there for me, and yet now, even more so, I feel like myself, only a million times more so, if that makes sense, and if not, ehh, sorry 'bout that.
The thought that by this time tomorrow, Kristen and I shall have shared our first hug, and kiss, and likely meal together, is so... Just everything; heartwarming, exciting, scary, mystifying, gratifying, dumbfounding, and elemental.
Kristen, I am so in awe of you, it defies logic, and yet, makes perfect sense to me.
Here is something I wrote some time ago, that I thankfully had on my flashdrive. Not sure what I can say about it other than its VERY long, even for me, but that it is what it is; a snapshot of my soul...
Closer than I can say...
It hurts so much, being so close to that which I know will destroy me, to cling to the poison she’s become and yet I can’t turn loose of her, no matter who else crosses my path, I just cant shake free of her… And the way she treats me is just… So wrong, and yet I forgive and forgive and take more and more when I am so far past what I thought was my breaking point that I’m scared of myself, she is darkly chaotic and evil, self-destructive and greedy, selfishness, avarice personified, lust made flesh, and the hooks are set deep into my flesh and I can’t help the tears I shed, but what no one else on earth knows is that the tears are born less from how scared and hurt I am for her and by her, but rather more from my own soul’s anguish over the fact that I am trapped, snared, and I can’t… I don’t know exactly how to break free, and while a part of me refuses that freedom…
I need it, because I know she is not the one.
I’ve always known she wasn’t the one, in my heart I always knew, and while I always thought it would be Christina, I know now that it is not her either.
Dare I say it… But… No… How could this be?
Kristen…
For the first nine months, I knew her as Violet, a web handle, a persona, and yet I liked her as such, simple, easy to deal with, but time came trust, and now… She is a center of calm, a voice of reason, a seed of randomness, creative and mysterious, and always a gentle presence… Always has been now that I think of it, and now I realize, I shudder to think, that while in mind I was totally devoted to Alexis, my thoughts would always wander off to you, and when my heart ditched my mind, and chased after Christina, my body and mind clung to Alexis, and yet… My soul would always go back to you somehow.
I just… Why do I worry what you think of me? I’m nothing wonderful, oh sure all the figures point to me being something special, in theory, on paper, I’m like communism, on paper, I make sense, I work, I’m a find, but in the real world? I’m a raving mad train-wreck, a mess in perpetual-slow-motion…
When I look back and realize all the mistakes I’ve made since I met you, I just… I want to die inside, just to become a shallow empty shell and not feel anything, not feel the pain, the desire, the worry, the weight of emotion and thoughts, pulling down on me like a box of my sins stacked on my neck…
When I recall… Rachel, Christina and now Alexis…
Maybe it’s a lack of understanding, things happen and there’s not always a good explanation for it, sometimes someone’s to blame and sometimes not. Which might mean that there’s too much expected of people at times. Maybe so, maybe no, it is unknown…
Why? Why did I lash out? Why did I not weigh my words more carefully? Why did I question and badger? Why did I cross the lines? Why did I let myself be caught up in the very thing that I loathe?
Caleb… Dog… My name… is it who I am? Or just the way I act? Why is my life so… I don’t know, frustrating… why do I feel like I never fit in… why do I feel out of place all the time… why do I question if God loves me? I’m doing every thing I know to do and there is no answer… I pray and read my bible every time I think of it… I hang out w/ other believers and I always try to do the right thing… I just don’t know what I’m doing wrong… I ask myself some times why do I try? What good is it all? What will I gain… school? Work? I feel like King Solomon: “It’s all like chasing the wind…” I like to say that if it was just me and Jesus, I’d do just fine… but right now I don’t know if I know where Jesus is now… or I can’t hear him just now… I don’t know… I need… Someone to listen… anyone… please… listen without judging me… please…
I… just wish things where more cut and dry… simple… straight-forward… easier… than all this stupid crap that overtakes me… what is wrong… with Me? With whoever? Whatever? I don’t know… I can’t think straight… I need something… to happen… something good… now would be good…
And I wait… and wait… and wait… for what?
Why?
And yet I realize, something has happened, as complex as it is, a strange as it may seem, given the context, and the timing…
I must ask myself this; why do I always fall for the girl that I am forbidden from having? And why does it always seem like the perfect girl for me, is always with the one guy who is unworthy or unaware of just what kind of treasure he has?
You are already in a relationship, and while I have come close to violating man-law, God’s law, and good sense… No matter my feelings for you, I will just do what I do best, I will simply endure, as I smolder and decay deep down inside, watching the injustice of the universe wear away at someone I care for more than I should, as I crumble away to dust again.
Kristen, I think I love you, but you will likely never know, because I am simply too stupid, selfish and unworthy of such a treasure as yourself, but I will value the friendship you have trusted me with, and God forbid Jacob or any other person in Gods green earth should cross you, because if they do and I come within arms reach of them, ever, I will end them. So few people have earned that level of respect and loyalty from me, and three of them have betrayed that, betrayed me… Only God knows what would happen to me if you do, and only I know what would have happened to me if not for you and Gus, God bless you both for standing by me, you have been his mercy and grace personified for me, and I am forever indebted to you for it.
Why can’t they see what I see in you? You deserve to be held, and loved, thanked and respected, whole and known, and from what I can tell, other than myself and Cameron, no one truly bothers to try and do so.
Three times over the last two or three years, I’ve had a dream, where I go off to war, it was symbolic in that it was like a World War Two themed movie, from the black and white grain, to the clothing, to the setting; a train station, and I go off, giving a hug and kiss to a girl who’s face I cannot see, and my last words to her as the train leaves are; “I love you more than life itself! I’ll come back! I promise!”
And I make good on it, I return, the wounded hero, limping, scared, but whole and stronger for it, and when I come back, she has tears in her eyes, and we embrace with a tender passion that dispels any doubt, and as I kiss the tears from her cheeks and eyes, I pull back and I see… You… Kristen… the first time I had this dream, I didn’t even know what you looked like, and it bothered me that it wasn’t Alexis, but then I couldn’t tell her that it wasn’t her. I simply couldn’t no matter how badly I wanted to.
And then there was the camping dream, where we get lost hiking in the woods and must take shelter overnight in a large dead tree trunk, and it rains, and I shield you from the storm with my own body, my arms wrapped about you, cuddling you into the tree trunk, and my chest, a space blanket draped over you, rain pelting my back as you buried your face into my neck and held me close, and I hid you from the cold rain…
It was you. But how? I cannot make heads nor tails of it now, and yet it somehow doesn’t bother me, as well as it should, and yet… It was you…
And now I must question; was it always you I was waiting for? Has my path taken this arc so that when the time comes, I am ready for you? I can only hope, as I know that I am so imperfect, so flawed, so… Damaged… How could a girl so incredible as you, ever want or deserve a worn and scarred wreck like me?
I don’t know, I just know that I want you in my life, as long as possible, so long as we can be friends, and help each other, build each other up, encourage one another, and be there when we need each other, and of or when the day comes that I can’t do that any more, then I hope that I may bow out with as much grace and nobility as I can muster, and that it will not pain you needlessly.
I… I am so scared, but I can’t help but say it… I’m… Falling for you… and you will likely never know, even as I write this letter no one, I cannot say that my feelings will ever fully see the light of day, at least not now, and if they never do then… I will endure, sadder, but still here, but if they should ever come out…
I hope you can love me back, as much as I want to love you.
Yeah, that's... That's it.
Until tomorrow, or next time or whatever;
Deuces n rock children, stay true, stay free, stay you, I shall endure...
~Caleb
*Thanks Craig Ferguson for that lovely jingle, with the epic insight, you sir are a personal hero of mine, for a number of reasons, and your accent is epic win too.*
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