Status: SNAFU, squared, Beacon found, Course set.

To whom it may (or may not) concern;
If I could redo the last 2+ years, or hell, even the last 5, I would, but I can't, however I refuse to allow them to DEFINE me any more, its over, its done, and I am a better (if not wiser and more scarred) person for it, because I will again turn my eyes upon Jesus, I will recenter my life upon my faith, rather than treating my belief's as an "also ran" to my foolish whims.

But the things that remain from my time in the shadows remain for good reason, I will not judge others, it is not my place, and I will keep showing my respect to everyone, and add to that once more, my care, until they prove they are undeserving of it, and if I offend or hurt anyone, it was not my intent, unless, as I said before, you proved yourself unworthy of my respect and care, and instead, earned my wrath.

I will continue to forgive, but I will not forget, and if you read this, and you have been removed from my life, understand, I will not reach out to you, and I will ignore you're reaching out to me, until such time as I feel prompted to change that, and if you have not been removed from my life (as of yet) please, as much for your own sake as mine, make dammed sure you DON'T do anything to warrant me totally removing you from my life.


As I like to say; if ya wanna know, then Read…

Other than that, I'm good, I'll endure, if not for my own stubbornness, then for the Grace of God.
~Caleb

***SNAFU: Situation Normal All F*ck*d Up (Squared=Shutup No talking All ahead Full Understand?)

The final bullet, of the war… [current]

You think you won, but did you really?

Why is it that I feel like the one who was set free?

Even with all the lies and falsehoods, I loved you, and you said you lived me, but in the end, it was in part clear, either someone never really cared, or we where not meant to be.

Or both.

I know the truth, I know what you try to hide, and I know now that whatever it was you felt for me, it wasn’t total, true or pure, and I doubt it was ever-even love in the most basic sense, but then how can I judge you when my own failings are just as clear?

But I was always there for you, even when you didn’t want me to be, I was, always ready to do my best and most for you, and you wasted it so many times.

What if this time;
I don't say hi first, I dont text back right away, I dont smile when you say my name.
What if this time…

I leave you feeling like you did me last time..

The question really is; how can you lose something you never had?

Well… You can’t, and while I was a total dick at the start, and in how I handled our relationship, and I totally and abjectly failed you, first as a friend, then as a boy friend, and finally, as your Ex, I did in fact love you, and care about you Alexis, but we where doomed to fail from the start, I knew it, I knew better, you did not, so while you sure as hell made plenty of mistakes, and ultamitly killed what love we did share, as I told you once about the implosion of your little social circle once, I will now say here, applied to me; you where just the trigger for the bomb I had built, so the fault, and the responsibiilty is ultamatly mine.

I am more sorry for it all then you will ever know, more sorry for it all, than I could ever show.

I was a selfish foolish idiot and for that, Im sorry.

I would like to think that somewhere inside you are as well, but, as I said above, the bottom line is, I failed you, first as a friend, then as a boyfriend, and finally, as your ex and you failed me, in the same way, but I forgive you.

I can only hope and pray that even if you dont forgive me, you can one day learn and grow from all of this mess and that you can find someone decent, and loving towards you, who treats you right and will care for you, the way I should have, the way I wanted too and the way you need it.

But now its time we sad good bye, for the last time.

A small part of me will always worry about you, but my heart... It is my own again, broken, hurt and tired...

But I can't totally blame you for that, because as we used to say about just about everything; “It takes two to tango.”

So Keep slugg'en Tiger, and good bye Alexis, you goofy, sexy, bubbly, shallow, callous, selfish slut.

Hope you grow up one day and realize what really happened, and what you squandered away, as I have grown up and realized what all I did wrong.

Bullshit n Noise,

Deuces n Rock,

I will endure, if only for my own stuborness, or the grace of God.

~Caleb

Justified? Yes I believe so! [old and late]

Holy shit, I can’t fucking believe it!

Owen is a total fugly squeaky voiced fatty face turd!

Say what you will (I know I do!) about me or any one else, but we all make judgments, we all appraise others, and the first thing we judge, is what we see, the outside, and while I do more than judge based solely on the external, I must admit, it is a factor for me.

Lexy sure as hell made judgments about peoples appearance, and the fact that she ever even BOTHERED to foster ANY kind of relationship with Owen, baffles me, he’s not good looking at all, not even in the “Seth Rogan / Michael Cera” cute geeky awkward nerdy oddball way either, he’s just so fucking “meh” faced, his voice is borderline grating, he’s freaking FAT (I carry a few extra pounds, so I’m just barely a tad chubby, but I’m not anywhere near fat) has an ugly assed blond curled fro for hair, and according to Lex, is hung like a mouse.

And yet, he managed to steal her away from me, fuck her, and then make her cry, time and again, with his actions and words.

So he with all his fuglyness, had the BALLS to steal my girlfriend from me, while I’m toiling away at a crap job, while he gets all his shit given to him by his rich daddy back in Canada (or Antigua, where ever, the man moves someplace new every year apparently) but he has the balls to steal her while I’m 1600 miles away, fuck her, and get her stoned every fucking weekend after she gets off work, but he doesn’t quite have the balls to KEEP her.

The shit-faced fucktard.

I have NEVER stolen another guys girl, ever, and I don’t plan on ever doing it, but if I DID decide I had the balls to do it, I would by-god fucking KEEP her for myself, and not be a shit faced little limp dicked man-bitch about it.

Simply put, given what all Lex has told me about him, and that I saw on the youtube video, I’m packing more all around in personality, street smarts, talent, looks, soul, masculinity, relational skills, respect for other people, and manhood than him.

I mean, to be perfectly honest, comparing me to him is like comparing a mint condition 1980’s economy crap box, to a mildly worn slightly rough classic late 60’s performance sedan, pickup-truck or even muscle car.

I don’t care if the thing is like new, any eco-box from the 1980’s to about 2002 is a POS not worth the steel it’s made of, even if it IS some shiney import.

Anyone who knows a dammed thing about cars knows that when it comes to soul, reliability (with proper maintenance of course) performance, and all around enjoyment and fulfillment in driving, you’d be HARD pressed to beat a solid hunk of American Iron.

The way I see it, Lex downgraded from a solid sweet ride in an old Camaro to a ride in a shiny but bland and crappy slightly newer Toyota Camery, a nice, bland, crapbox versus a sweet, exciting, and sexy hot rod.

Clearly, I could be totally wrong in all of this, but I don’t think so, and Ive yet to have ANY proof to the contrary.

But then I must weight all of that, and the last 3 months (I’ve reviewed EVERY exchange Lexy and I had over Skype) against what she told me on the phone Sunday night.

While she is sorry she hurt me, she does not regreat a single thing she’s done thus far, and if there was any way for us to be back together, she’s not 100% sure if she would do it or not.

That likely should feel like a shot to the balls, but somehow, I knew all of that going into the relationship almost two and a half years ago, so it doesn’t.

So it looks like I was right way back in the middle of November; 2 years, two months two weeks and two days.

I can honestly say that is the longest continuous romantic relationship I’ve been in, in my life.

So fuck you mister Canada, I don’t care one way or the other about you to be honest, but while I am being honest, you are now on my short list of people whom I will curb-stomp if we ever cross paths on the street.

That’s not a threat BTW’s its just me stating the consequences for certain actions, events and or happenings that others may incite, inspire or otherwise start up.

Deuces, rock, hate n love,

~Caleb

I am imperfect but I am a man… [pt.3]

… Or “Ghosts of Girlfriends and past relationships!” [pt.3]

It was about that time that I was really getting into online Roll Play, something I’d fallen into quite by accident, while looking for some fun way to burn up my free time both on campus and at home, when I found a web site that was based around one of my all time favorite TV shows, Teen Titans. And for me, the center of the universe for that, was Proboards, a web service that hosted web-based bulletin boards, catering to everything from discussion and advice forums, to news, information sites, fan listings, and yes, of course turn based Roll Play…

In the online community, there are MANY sects and “nations” and areas of the net that are inhabited, and many of us travel in various circles within, Facebook, MySpace, Yahoo, Google, YouTube, the list goes on. I of course ran in the little known circle of Proboards users, and in the narrow sect of them known as “RP’ers”.

It is from there that I have met a number of my current friends, and while time and distance might separate us, we all have a good level of respect for one another, and we do our best to be solid and honest friends to each other every time we get the chance.

It was there that I met Alexis, my now ex-girlfriend, whom I have devoted what some (myself included) might think to be WAY too much effort to writing about here in this blog, and right wrong or indifferent, she was a very big part of my life for a long time.

I’ll not go into too much detail right now, but the short version is that we met on a roll play and discussion forum, and after a few short months, of being friendly on the site, we progressed to being friendly outside of the site, on MSN messenger, and before long, we had built up enough trust, that we traded cell phone numbers, and started texting each other back and forth with thoughts and options on various movies, and with plot ideas for the RP stories we where involved in at the time.

I must state here, that the biggest draw for me, to Roll Playing, was the writing, I found that it REALLY helped me grow in my writing, and that could only help, given my dyslexia (or the form of it I have called Dysgraphya) and the fact that I was not yet writing on a college level consistently.

That and I love stories, real or imagined, there is a kind of magical quality that they hold for me, but that’s something else for another time.

Alexis and I became fast friends, and before long, after she had finally gotten away from her crap boyfriend Pat, and was single she seemed to stabilize from her on again off again depression. But within three months, she had a massive crush on me, and despite being seven years younger than myself, I went and took the selfish and slightly lonely (and I must confess, horny) route, and told her that I had a crush on her as well. I did, but it was TINY, still I knew that if I gave it just a little time, I would fall for her as well. Never mind the fact that I knew better, knowing what I did about her, her background, her past, and her personality, but, what can I say? She was cute n sexy, she dug me, and I was feeling careless and lonely at the time. Not saying that makes it okay, because it so does not, but, I knew that I would fall for her, if I gave it half a chance.

Oh how I fell for her…

I fell in love with that goofy little lush, and I fell out of who I really was to keep her interested in me, granted I had already veered from my moral and ideological center before her, due to my own foolish (if not somewhat justified) rebellion, and stupid choices, but then I started to justify my moral lapses, and even push the boundaries where Id not ever pushed them before, all because of her, and… I lied, fluffed myself up in some ways, down played some things, and just left out others, I made it into a game, and I must confess, I made two massive mistakes in that; one, I made it into a game, which one should NEVER DO when dealing with their emotions or someone else’s, and two, I blurred the lines between what was real, and what was a game, which made a bad thing, worse all around.

For two years, she was my dirty little secret, my favorite disease, my repeat offence and it was… hell, I'm not gonna lie, it was FUN, a shit load of fun, it was sexy, it was exciting, it was pretty much an affair without “the other woman” unless one thinks of Alexis as the other woman, and my constant assertion to those around me (namely family and the few decent friends I had) that I was happy being single (which, I had been, until I caved with Alexis) and my moral center playing the roll of my spouse and family, in the allegorical sense.

So many mistakes, so much bullshit n noise, and so little desire to revisit it all…

There are others, current friends, and friends rediscovered, and they shall get their due here as well, but not today, not now.

Right now, I am at peace, I have said all I needed to say on the matter, in this context.

Be good to each other, Deuces n Rock Children,

~Caleb