Questions that I tire of…

... And random me-ness.

''Why are you wearing a jacket? Its eighty degrees out there!''
That question has been asked of me countless times, and my standard answer is always: ''Its comfortable.'' and yes that is true, but the comfort is rarely derived from a physical level of comfort, which is there many times, but that takes a backseat to the emotive and mental comfort that a jacket provides me, like a coat of armor only I can see or feel. The protection from the wind or rain or cold is nice, but there is a projection, an aura that I think a jacket provides, all the coolest guys wear a cool jacket, denim or leather, worn, scarred, tough.Fitting and necessary for them, for me, to insulate ourselves from the world.
To say without words ''I’m tough, detached, protected from you and your bullshit, you can't hurt me unless I allow it.''It is an elemental, vital part of who or what I am, like a uniform, it identifies me as a strong, cool, tough & independent male, it insulates me from the harshness of the world, while containing the harshness within me...Because in truth, I’m still just a hyper little boy who is starry eyed in his worshiping of his heroes and his father, and all things male…

And then…

“You’re always so angry! Why are you always angry?”
Yet another question that is really a statement, that has been posed to me oh so many times, and yet, the truthful answer is that, I get frustrated easy, mad takes some effort, and angry, that takes something significant to get at me, and then there’s royally pissed off, and finally… Pure unadulterated, righteous, unholy testosterone fueled, Irish derived wrath driven enragement. You read that right, and no, for once, I’m not trying to be cute. I’m talking about head thudding, heart bursting, vision narrowing, flash point kind of rage that makes a wounded lion’s counter attack look like a cat pissing on bread crumbs.

I’ve only hit that place twice that I can think of, and the scary part is, I don’t even remember where, who or why. I just recall being angry, more or less blacking out, and then coming back to the world with a headache, and feeling like I just sprinted through God’s own broiler pan.

It scares me sometimes, bothers me that my emotions are, or at least can be, so overwhelmingly potent. I mean I’m not the easiest read, but I’m far from impossible to figure out, mostly due to the fact that I am, in the words of my mother; “the master of the delayed reaction.”

Why? Because… Sometimes I just need to give myself a moment to digest what the heck just happened. Other times, its just fun to watch others squirm while you stand or sit there, and blink at them, the rest of the time, it’s a chance to take, to read a person better, to process your own gut reaction, and to weigh your response, and the results, the consequences thereof.

Mostly its just fun to fuck with people that way, cause they so rarely expect it, and when they do, well, for myself, I think fast enough that I can in fact reason out various outcomes and reactions and variables in a matter of seconds. So then I take that extra time to explore extra options, and when I don’t, I just damn the torpedoes’ and full speed ahead with what I figure will be either the best option, or the most entertaining, depending on my state of mind.

What does this all mean?

Yes, I am in fact THAT… everything. I’m ADD, which means that I’m not random, not truly, I just think faster than you, I feel deeper than anyone will willingly admit, I can see what everyone else will miss, conceive what others can or will not, observe what you miss, miss what you observe, I will place value on that which you deem worthless, and I will confound you with how I work when I do not restrain myself, as I so often do. It means that I hold onto myself for your own good as much as my own, and that means that I think, feel and believe, that if you can't take me when I'm at my most crazy and hard to handle, you're not worthy of me when I bring the A game baby, and even when I fuck up, my heart's in the right place, cause I have something called "EPIC" in me, so no matter if its Win, fail or draw, when I drop this shit your brains are gonna splatter the wall. Because I'm convinced that I am the line that defines the duality of mankind, a polarized portrait of what it is to be a male, a little boy at heart, a puppy in spirit, and a warrior poet in reality, I am who I am, and that's all I will be.


If you don’t like it, tough, if you can handle it, congrats, and if you can love me for it...

I will give you all the love in the universe in return...



Having said all of that, I will now say this: Kristen, I love you so much, sometimes it scares me, I trust you more than anyone else I’ve ever known, you are a comfort, a challenge, a match and a set, a quirk and a song, a poem and a story that I will forever be in awe of.



And my muse hath decreed that I shall stop blogging now.

Deuces n rock, bullshit n noise, I shall endure, if only for the grace of God or my own stubbornness.

~Caleb