Now, without opening the whole can of worms that a large part of Christianity likes to argue over, insofar as free will vs. pre-destination, I believe that there is if nothing else in and of humanity, and God’s will, Free CHOICE, that is to say we all have the right and responsibility to make our decisions. And as such, we must deal with the results thereof. To expect anything else is stupid and selfish.
Pardon the rough and half thought out transition, but I’m recovering after working a double shift at work, which means I was awake for over 20 straight hours baby-sitting an empty hospital. Yup, I run that shit, and make that money don’t I?
As a point of fact, my ex, Alexis, and I have not been on normal speaking terms since shortly after the first half of February, at least, I myself have not initiated any contact since that time, the better part of eight months. Incase anyone missed it, I was VERY torn up and hurt over how that relationship went to hell in a ball of flaming cow flop, and have spent a large part of the last year almost on here, venting my spleen and rending my heart to tattered shreds, trying to reason it all out, trying to put it all in context, and I feel that I have do so, and am still doing so. Given that I am now in a whole new relationship with whom I feel is the love of my life, my soul mate, and the missing piece of my heart, and I have put everything I’ve seen and learned and thought of, into usage in my life, and offered it freely here as insight into this immensely vast and magical thing we call life, and yes, you’re very welcome internet.
Now as I said, Lexy and I haven’t been on anything approaching normal (relative as that is) speaking terms for eight months. She accused me of harassment, and called me (repeatedly, thus ironically harassing me) about that a few times in March.
Again she randomly contacted me sometime in May with a bizzaro retarded question about the Beatles edition Monopoly, which she ended up answering for herself anyways, and then over the last two or three months has been stalking my blog and dropping ill timed Text messages hinting that she has an internship with Rolling Stone Magazine, and wanted to know if I wanted her to name drop on behalf of me and my band…
My gut reaction to calling bullshit on that last part aside, I was rather tired of the “haunting” that she was doing. I and Kristen where getting rather weary of it, and I was getting mildly distracted with it all, and was wary of allowing it to go on for very long without reprisal, from myself, because I was, and still am, working hard on improving myself and my social/economic standing. I didn’t want to have my biggest and most recent Ex-girlfriend to be on my radar at all.
I told her as much. Several times. In one day. Kristen was debating on jumping in and getting personal.
However, I at last gave Alexis the opening she needed to explain herself, we talked for about a half hour or so, she explained that she was sorry for everything (the first time she’d ever said as much to me) and that she was trying to become a better person, and make amends with her past, and the mistakes she made. She also said her psychiatrist told her to and I quote; “be friends with everybody” which she said she felt also meant that she was to make everything right and good again, and rebuild all her old relationships into something better.
Now before I convey my reaction, understand that I do agree with the basic ideals of the above.
I laughed and told her to get her money back, because while its all well and good to feel that way, and try to do all of that, you must also realize that sometimes, the person your trying to repair the relationship with, doesn’t want that yet. Or ever.
Just because you want to be friends, doesn’t mean that everyone else does too.
I told her then (about two weeks ago now) that I have in fact forgiven her, and wish her the best, but that right now I don’t want any restoration in our relationship, or a new relationship, or anything to do with her right now, and that she needs to tell her friends and family to leave me alone, and that she should do the same, although she has the right to do as she sees fit, so do I, and I would gladly bring the noise down on her if she didn’t respect my polite request of her to let me be.
In the end, we agreed that one day, maybe she and I could be sociable or civil to one another, one day even we might be friends again.
That day is a little ways off honestly, I’m still a tad hurt over everything with her, healing for sure, but still hurt nonetheless, and so I’m not ready for it now.
One day?
Maybe. Sure why not?
But for now, I’m happy, content with who I’m with, happy with how life seems to be going, and I’m still slugging, and moving forward. I have endured, and I have overcome, and I am still, and always myself.
Love Endures,
~Caleb
