Band-Aids can't fix a wound that won't bleed...

The only thing I can truly say about being me, is that I hate it, loath it with a burning passion at times like this, when I'm not surprised in the least at something happening, something I knew was coming, even if only instictively, because once more I was right in my guess, and it sucks because it was a sad and sorry thing. Because I can see the blow coming a mile away, (or in this case a tick over 1000 miles) and yet I cannot stop it, nor say anything to soften it, and as always, it strikes right through the heart, leaving a mortal wound that doesn't bleed a single drop of blood.

Who dares to shun and shame another so totaly as to abandon them as if a useless item?
What would cause you sink the cold dagger of casual indifference so deep into anothers hope and joy?
Where do you get off turning your back upon, and your nose up, at someone who has tried so many times to gain your intrest and approval?
Why would you strike at the heart and soul of your own flesh and blood so callously?
When is it okay to behave in ways and say such things as to rend the very heart of someone who should be able to trust you, and still longs too?
How can someone be so cold and cruel without any remorse?

In what way, shape, or form is it alright to lay claim to the Christian ideal, then to ignore the spirit of the word, and mock the letter of it?
Does selfish vanity and the pride of life even try to justify such hypocrisy?
Can tattered hope for dreams denied, and twisted factsimiles turned shoddy icons redeem the actuality of choice?

To speak plainly; can a person be expected to gladly accept selfish and blind demands and threats as proof of love, when it is only to serve your broken and lost desires to have your neigh impossible, wishful dream?

Or more simply; how can you expect a young woman to see and feel the love that is buried under fearful, shortsighted and selfish demands that do not benefit her in any way?

Can you not see, hear, or understand the total depth of dispair and pain you have caused my love, your daughter?

Well Angie?
Do you have an answer?

If not for me, then for her?

None that I can see...

And I saw you coming a thousand miles away... and I am emotionally gutted for it none the less...

Maybe if emotional and psychological wounds manifested physically on others, people would be far less prone to cause such careless and heartless injury.

-Caleb

At last.

Its all said and done.

They found out sooner than we had planed or expected, and as I had feared, they responded more or less as we thought.

Father said "... Leave. Just get out."

Mother was "heartbroken" and was unsure of the apparently "sudden change" and refused to meet halfway, and try to make peace with everyone, only peace with some, and on her terms.

All because big brother, the one that we trusted, the only one we could trust, for reasons I can't wrap my poor southern-fried head around, totally betrayed that trust because he was "forced" to "do the right thing" or what he felt was right. I understand the mindset and the location of his heart, yet the facts bear either a more selfish or shortsighted reason, or a totaly foolish and innanely stupid process. Either way, it is not my offence to bear, although I have forgiven all at this point.

Because, this is the transition now, into the next stage for us.

I proposed on the 15th of November, and she said yes, and I slipped a little silver n gold ring over her knuckles, and kissed her hand. We've talked and taken stock of things since then, and we are now walking towards the next step towards forever.

My God above, I love her, and I am forever greatful, thankful, and adoring of her... thank you Lord for blessing me beyond any and everything I could ask or dream...

~ The Caleb Mac

The truth is

I'm scared, I'm worried, I get so worked up, and upset.
Sure it could be said that its her fault, that she tells me too much, that she knows how to say things, so that I get all wound up. Naw, its not that, it that I care so much. I care more than I ever thought possible.

I'm so very imperfect, and I know that, I talk too much, I like my music too loud, I enjoy the simple things too much, I lean towards direct and sometimes violent soluions to problems. I'm too simple. I'm too complex. I'm a walking anachronism, a contradiction, a constantly moving graidiant...

I'm me, she is her, we are who we are, and we love each other, and frankly, that's really all either of us truly care about...

"I love you"

I love you.

Such a simple, yet still powerful phrase, even as abused & over used as it is, that eight letter, three word scentance is much like authentic truth, in that it is both empowering, and binding, frightening, and comforting, and even static yet, dynamic.

But what does that little phrase really mean? Why is it what it is, so simple, yet oh so complex?

Realizing that it is, as all words and thus phrases truly are, born of, and rooted in an idea, both human and celestial, part of the foundations of the universe, and engrained in our very DNA it seems, one can begin to truly understand the uncompromising gravity of such a statement, and so also understand the almost abhorant abuse of such a beautiful and meaningful expression.

But as I shift from the existential purview to my own personal one, I find that a simple explaintion is neigh impossible, as helpful as it might be. Therefore I allow myself to expand upon what I personally mean when I say "I love you" to the one person that this is most true for, the one I feel is most deserving of such an expression and sentement.

When I say I love you, I say more than just that, I say that I think about you a lot, that I care about you, that I like the things that make you who you  are, that I think your smart and pretty and talented, that I enjoy the way you smile at me, the way you are slow to anger, the way you roll your eyes, the way that you never speak without knowing what to say, that you are rightfully slow to apologize, that you like me for me and I need that so very much, and that that I want to be close to you, that I want to hold you, shelter you, that I want to make love to you, that I want you cared for, that I want you to feel special, beautiful, important, treasured, that I would do anything for you, to hold you, to make sure your safe, that I would walk  through fire without blinking, that I would climb any mountian, cross any desert, swim any ocean, fight any monster, confront any person, bear any pain, that I would lay down my life for you, that I would give my last dime, my last breath, my last drop of blood, my very soul, my very life for you, without heasatation, or reaservation, I would give any and everything for you in a heartbeat, for only you, because when I say I love you, I mean all of that and more than that, so much that words can not capture, and actions can only imply.

So let this feeble effort stand, if it has the merit to do so, as my personal defining and exposition, explaination and reason for telling you, my dearest Kitten Kristen, that I love you more every hour of every day, more than I ever thought it possible to love another human ever, and I am perfectly content in that ever evolving fact and truth. <3<3<3

~ Caleb Mac

A Bad Day...

Why do I always feel so out of place?
As if I belong to some far off long forgotten time?
Why is it that when i do my best and am polite, everyone wants to abuse me for it?
Why do they talk down to me, treat me like I'm less than or below them?
Why do I get berated for things I don't have control over?
I try so very hard, and its rarely good enough, and they just kick me and scream at me and act like I am wholly at fault, when it is their selfcentered actions and carelessness that has set things in motion...
Do they really think I won't react badly?
Dare I suppose to assume that they doubt me when I warn them of my rage, penned up as it is?
I shudder to dream of letting the beast within me off its teather, because they will not expect it, the fury, the wrath that I save them from...
Because I am too polite, they may never know... and that, I know is in fact my fault... too bad they won't let me take responsibility for that...

~Caleb

The Darkness Before Dawn...

In the dark, alone, she cries again, her tears falling like acid rain, trailing tiny little licks of flame...

The words fly like fists of fury, striking her soft walled heart like hammer blows,
a rub on a callus all too familiar now, a dull throb like the echos of an organ with burst bellows,
a strain of discord denied by the source long now gone, assembled by mismatched bedfellows,
all born of depraved selfish desperation and then not yet hypocrisy stamped seeds that never mellow.

In the dark, alone, she cries again, her tears falling like acid rain, trailing tiny little licks of flame...


The cries are inhuman, spurred on by similar  acts, of kindness turned inside out, dignity a putrid stench,
chided for her compass, the inadvertently bestowed upon decent morals by indirectly indecent bastard & wench,
again the threats fly, launched by they who broke the gilded promises deep inside gears irreparable by wrench,
wrath and spite flow endlessly forth, without reprisal or reason logical fair, a dark flame no pleading will quench.

In the dark, alone, she cries again, her tears falling like acid rain, trailing tiny little licks of flame...

Where is the justice the rebuttal or the balance in this?
Where is the law-giver, the jury, or the betraying kiss?
The accuser or defense, the reason or context is remiss.
The simple direct and final solution is a missing bliss.

In the dark, alone, she cries again, her tears falling like acid rain, trailing tiny little licks of flame...

In the dark, alone, she cries again, her tears falling like acid rain, trailing tiny little licks of flame...
In the dark, isolated, I am silent again, my fists boiling like molten lead, dripping wrath's of mortal flame...


In the streetlamp glare, in the public's eye, I stand alone again, my heart aching like a rotten tooth, longing for a reason to make sure it never happen to her again...



~The Caleb Mac

A sliver of Truth

Rubix McCube

It’s the little things really, that no one else notices, that no one else knows about, that only she even considers, even of for but a moment.

The details that the world passes over, like wildflowers on the side of the interstate, a blur of pleasant color,

A smear on the eye of the driver, rather than the delicate hues and individual blooms upon each and every stem,

Seen but not observed, known but not understood, taken for granted if even acknowledged at all.

It’s the little tiny particulars, the strands of cosmic DNA, the tributaries of spirit and thought that she conjures an open window to see,

The little things that the others find strange, the odd little tid-bits that escape understanding, or notice in the eyes of the world,

A strange collection no doubt, of ideals and standards with a creative and out modeled application, contrasting starkly yet merging almost perfectly,

Seen as a displace note or chord out of time and key, the dissonance almost staggering yet somehow fitting in my own strange upside down and backwards sort of way.

It’s the little details like cooking, or cleaning without fear or loathing, or the thrifty ideas that come into play everyday in their own little way,

The things like keeping old shoes, or putting off buying clothes, shopping for bulk and economy that they don’t see or understand in any real way,

A choice to work in a field, where life and limb might be risked, with a carefree yet keen mindset that always come into play, the worry and goals never conflicting as much as the dreams only she knows in a way,

Seen as questionable or brash, or desperate or crass, wading through the childlessness of humanity day to day, she still understands and sees the truth, and supports the effort, taken for granted if even acknowledged at all.

Vocabulary

I can’t.

I won’t.

I must.

I will.

Turn your eyes away; don’t ask me for a snippet,

Image frozen of a younger me; etched through your eyes most limpid,

Would that my pain was paint chipped off, tossed in the trash out of your sight,

Hoping my voice and silence does not betray me, or my waning lack of might.

I can’t.

I won’t.

I must.

I will.

If wishes where horses, then this beggar would ride,

Away into the sunrise long, to be there at your side,

To bear you up with your trials, to make right your heartache,

But time does not befit my soul, linear earth’s path my own does not make.

I can’t.

I won’t.

I must.

I will.

Burn me now sun, cook my outermost hide,

Match please the obsidian pallor, the dull sheen I am inside,

For “Love is just an open flame, we burn ourselves just to feel the pain”,*

And time or distance be indeed moneys, prickled thorns society demands to drive insane.

I can’t.

I won’t.

I must.

I will.

Empty now and aching are my arms, and my “hands are a childishly simple puzzle”, **

Missing the most important pieces, as much as my nose misses yours to nuzzle,

But the lines are freshly burned down my cheeks, the tears a smoldering acid,

But you can’t see yet only hear them now, as others see the hiding face most placid.

I can’t.

I won’t.

I must.

I will.

Peel away the gritty blunt covering, and expose my entire gray,

Struggle and tumble clumsily my tongue and fingers, as I fail to articulate the words to say,

I can’t.

I won’t.

I must.

I will.

I love you I want you I need you I miss you, more than I could have ever dreamed possibly true,

And when you read this humble verse know it’s the next best offering this haggard broken boy, could ever give to a wondrous treasure of a girl like you.

~Caleb

*Out of My Hands ~ Green River Ordinance (song)

**Happy Valentine's Day, my Love ~ Kristen Dennis (poem)

Mac's rules to live by (WIP)

Below is a rough list of rules that I try my best to live by, I don't always do so, because as I'm sure you have by now guessed, I am human, imperfect, and somewhat forgetful sometimes. Either way, I'm sure I will be editing or updating this list at some point in the future, and hey, this isn't exactly copyrighted so feel free to print this up and post it on the fridge for the whole family, just make sure you give credit where it's due, it's a small thing, but it matters, as it says on number 16...

Enjoy interwebs!

Rule #1: manners count

Rule #2: know when to admit your wrong

Rule #3: know when to back down

Rule #4: know when to stand your ground

Rule #5: cover your ass

Rule #6: extend mercy to them what need it most

Rule #7: take responsibility for yourself and your actions and your choices

Rule #8: mean what you say, and say what you mean

Rule #9: everyone gets one free pass

Rule #10: trust must be both given AND earned

Rule #11: speak well, softly, and respectfully whenever possible

Rule #12: when worst comes to worst, do not be needlessly nice or polite; they don't deserve it anymore

Rule # 13: stand up for yourself, since so few others will

Rule #14: make every shot count, no matter the context

Rule #15: when all else fails; endure

Rule # 16: small things matter more than we ever realize

Rule #17: never disrupt another's right to go their own way

Rule #18: find something to believe in, to the point you are willing to die for it

Rule #19: if it ain't broke, don't fix it, and if it is, by God fix it

Rule #20: know when to admit that you are wrong

Rule #21: if you can't stun them with your brilliance, baffle them with your bullshit

Rule #22: know when to just smile and nod

Rule #23: never pass up the chance to laugh

Rule #24: fight for love

Vacation summary Pt. 3 (final)

- From my personal archives -

Wednesday, June 10, 2009

My Wife,

I’d like my wife to be:

1. The main thing is she’s a Christian, has been careful with her heart and body and is willing to wait until she is sure the time is right, until she is ready, and it is proper to give all she is to me, and I to her.

2. Loving/understanding: I’m a bit rough around the edges and a little nuts, so need I say more?

3. Brave: she’ll need to be. See above…

4. Musical: A must, I like to be able to rock out whenever the mood hits me and I think it’s be boss if she’d have the talent to do so with me… And she’ll need to like music in the same way I do, not because I want her to like everything I like, but because she enjoys good music and sees the power and value in it as I do.

5. Kind hearted and soft: because I’m not always able to be… I’m a bit of a cold-hearted jerk sometimes, and I need someone to help even me out so I can enjoy life without always being stressed and grumpy. See numbers 1 2 and 3.

6. Pretty: she doesn’t need to be a knock-out to any one but me… besides, She’ll be getting a slightly dog-eared hunk of tall Texas Irishman. But freckles and very pretty eyes are a bonus.

7. Funny and smart: She’ll need it to keep up with me and help keep us from starving… or going nuts, and a good sense of humor is what makes life seem not so harsh, even when it is.

8. Come from a loving/christian family: this is connected somewhat to number one, and is more to please Mama and Dad, I don’t care if she’s from a broken home or not; if she has a good head and heart, then she can overcome any and all issues, including family based problems.

9. Be unique: Because I am, and the unique people of the world are always the most interesting.

10. Love animals: Because I do, and a person who can love a simple creature, has character.

11. Can cook/loves home cooking: I love to cook and eat and I hope she does too, and even if she isn’t a whiz in the kitchen, I just hope she enjoys good food as much as I do, but hopefully she can make a mean meatloaf, as that’s one of the things I can’t cook…

12. Be from Texas: This is #12 because it’s the least important and it’s more of a joke than anything else… So long as she’s from the planet earth I’m happy.

The above is from a word document I found on my hardrive in my random files and dates back a few years when I was really thinking about my future and where I would be and whom I would spend my life with. At the time, I had just ended (or rather had come to terms with the end of) my third dating relationship, and was somewhat ill content with the results of my then current relational status and experience’s but trying to keep an upbeat outlook on things.

It was far from easy, and in truth, as time passed, I made foolish allowances for the various mistakes I had made and allowed my standards and ideals to slip away from the above list to the point that I would, when the time came, take whatever crumbs I could get in the realms of romance and dating. Enter you, the internet, and that little kind’a sort’a not really hidden corner of the web known as online, turn form, thread based roll play, and the realms of ProBoards dot com, and their online RP community, such as it is.

Enter from stage left, Alexis.

Now I will not bore or recount you dear reader with the details, as they are, however biased and incomplete, archived here on this blog for the reading, or within the allowable context, free for the asking, however after Lexy, I had a time of healing and maturing to complement the hard stint of growing I did during that time, before I realized I had fallen in love with my best friend.

Spotlight to right-center stage, soft focus on Kristen, cue the soft alt-rockish background music and cross-fade into a Beatles love song.

Now to grind the gears a bit…

Ever since I started to realize how much I had grown to respect and care for Kristen, and how much she mattered to me, I knew, deep down in my heart, that my little daydream of one day meeting her, and spending some time with her, just to get to know her, was going to happen. Realize, I have had the desire to meet many if not all of my Internet friends, at one point or another, for many reasons, chief of which was because I thought it would be cool to do so. However the desire to meet Kristen had suddenly, and at first without my permission, started to grow into the want of knowing her better, to see if we had any sort of chemistry in real life. Not strictly in the romantic sense, but more of the general vein of natural human curiosity, as is normal and healthy. And besides, at the time, she was still dating her former friend Jacob, so I knew it was wrong for me to want to meet her and try to romance her. Fast-forward about four months from my inadvertent realization and roundabout and ass-backwards admission of infatuation with her sometime around new years of 2011, via text message, which was in response to her more or less “verbally” kicking my rear end for going out downtown feeling sorry for myself and “hunting” or more accurately trolling the stock yards looking for a one night stand, and… Well, we where talking on the phone a lot more, she had broken up with Jacob roughly five weeks previously after at last confirming within herself that the relationship was doomed and dying between them, and suddenly, I had the overpowering urge to meet her face to face, to spend time with her, and to romance her to the utmost of my capacity, not because I felt like I had to prove something to her, or that I had to trump up myself or be more appealing than I really was, and other than the fact that I wanted too, but more because she deserved it, and because I am a romantic at heart, and I have that within me to give her. I was suddenly not only willing, but ready, and raring to fight for her, even if the battle was more with my bank account and both of our parents approval (which for us had its proper place somewhere further down the list than they would have liked I'm sure) as well as with my own fears and worries about our relationship.

The day we first met face to face, in the terminal of the Dayton airport, and I almost shoulder tackled her when she went to hug me in greeting (which in all fairness, I was not expecting, nor felt that I had earned the right to do yet at that time) and I was juggling a backpack and guitar, and yet… I knew the moment I saw her… I knew that things would only get better.

As I told her that day, and every day since then; “You are much more beautiful in person.” And in truth, she is. Pictures do not do her justice, mostly because she has that quality that is deep within, that purity and grace, that gentleness and love that shines out from deep within. And the fact that she is very pretty externally as well. Hey, what can I say? Freckles are sexy dammit!

But to bring this fully into the current context; I miss her so much it hurts. From day one, last August when I first met her, even with all the nerves, I could feel it, that pull, that peace, and that ease. The connection we had shared over a thousand miles, over the phone, was real, and it was strengthened with proximity.

As for the two weeks she spent down here, with me and my family, in my “little corner of the universe” as it were, all I can really say, is what has already been said, is what the truth is; I cannot wait for the day when I can have her here for good, every day, close at hand, by my side, and in my life as she and I wish it to be. Married, living in the same place, sharing our struggles and joys and fears and trials and life’s on a day-to-day basis.

It has been my desire to do so since that first day, since I uttered those fateful three words to her, since the thousand odd miles between us suddenly seemed so trivial and meaningless yet oh so very prominent, yet the longing, the pull, the attachment has proved stronger than anything else in my life short of the sovereign hand of God.

All I can do now is try and let the burn of being apart stay buried deep down within the more shadowy and hidden recesses of my heart and mind, and savor the memories of holding her close, feeling her hand in mine, and the sensation of her heartbeat next to mine...

Mac out kiddos, work calls once more, so I gotta go and be the man again, on my day off…

Endure,

~Caleb

Vacation update Pt. 2

And so now, vacation is over, and has been for almost five days.

Why have I waited this long to update upon it you ask? Because I have avoided doing so, to avoid the more than miniscule pang of heartache that I must again endure byway of once more finding myself apart from my love.

For 14 days, give or take a few hours, she was here, in my life, almost all the time, constantly, close at hand, never more than a few minuets away, rarely more than arms length from me, and always at the forefront of my mind in a simple, easy and direct manner. I doubt I can totally explain how right it felt, how peaceful and comforting it was, how good and simple and easy an experience those two weeks where. No matter if we where riding roller coasters, eating hamburgers, or at the movies, the whole world seemed right for the first time since I saw her last April. She makes the world seem better to me, and while it might be argued that she didn’t exactly MAKE the world a better place, she at least made it seem better, and that is what matters to me here and now.

Now more than ever that she is once more, gone.

Sitting on my couch late at night, talking about the world, about people, about us, swimming in the pool at my complex, teasing and flirting and being cute, driving around with the windows down, because my car doesn’t have working A/C right now, doing dishes, cooking, cuddling at the park, walking hand in hand, watching movies, and seeing the sights here in Fort Worth, visiting some of my family here and even talking with my parents… There was not a single moment that passed while she was here with me, that was unpleasant in any way, shape or form. The only sad or unpleasant moments that passed, where of course, the day she left, when after swimming, and a nap, we packed her things into my car, hugged in my living room and cried a moment, then drove to the airport via a Jack in the Box, and then… Once her baggage was checked, we embraced tightly, cried bitterly, and then said our good bye, tears filling our vision as she moved through the security line, and I rode the escalator down to the parking level.

I managed to not blubber and wail in the parking lot for a half hour before leaving. Barely.

I wish I could say that it does get easier to say good bye each time, but that’s horse-shit, it doesn’t, but at the very least, it doesn’t get any harder, and given that we will have to say good bye like that just once more time, if all pans out as we plan and expect it too, then it will be one more step towards forever with her, towards our life’s merging into one shared journey and a set of goals that we shall share and help each other with until the day one or both of us goes on to glory or judgment.

That’s all for now, otherwise this will be a small book of a post, and I’ve tried to limit them down on here for the sake of not drowning you dearest [sic] readers in Mother Russia with the mind numbing drivel of a true everyman from Texas/America who’s lucked out either by chance or the grace of Almighty God. You’re welcome comrades, because of course, “in soviet Russia, Blog post YOU!”

;P yes, please hate me and my totally kinda funny political incorrectness and mild hubris.

Endure,

~Caleb

Vacation update pt. 1

As I stand in my kitchen, pausing from doing dishes to eat an avocado, my girlfriend upstairs in my bed napping and recovering from a trip to Six Flags the day before, I extend this pause to whip out my cell phone and jot down the following thoughts...

Since she landed here back on the 27th, now 9 days ago, I have felt totally at peace, loved, and happy for the first time since April when I flew up to visit her for our anniversary.
And she feels the same way.
Having her so close, for such an extended peirod of time, almost 2 full weeks, is a dream come true. To be able to pour my affection out upon her almost at will, to feel her hand in mine at almost any time, to go and see and do and eat and live with her close at hand... Perchance it is a small preview of forever with her? I would hope so, because thusfar, it is better than I could have ever hoped or dreamed to feel her in my arms as she dozes with me on my couch...

Music
=
Love
=
Life

~Caleb

Watch the world burn/turn...

Ecclesiastes Chapter 3

"For everything there is a season, a time for every activity under heaven.
A time to be born and a time to die.
A time to plant and a time to harvest.
A time to kill and a time to heal.
A time to tear down and a time to build up.
A time to cry and a time to laugh.
A time to grieve and a time to dance.
A time to scatter stones and a time to gather stones.
A time to embrace and a time to turn away.
A time to search and a time to quit searching.
A time to keep and a time to throw away.
A time to tear and a time to mend.
A time to be quiet and a time to speak.
A time to love and a time to hate.
A time for war and a time for peace.

What do people really get for all their hard work?
I have seen the burden God has placed on us all.
Yet God has made everything beautiful for its own time. He has planted eternity in the human heart, but even so, people cannot see the whole scope of God's work from beginning to end.
So I concluded there is nothing better than to be happy and enjoy ourselves as long as we can.
And people should eat and drink and enjoy the fruits of their labor, for these are gifts from God.
And I know that whatever God does is final. Nothing can be added to it or taken from it. God's purpose is that people should fear him.

What is happening now has happened before, and what will happen in the future has happened before, because God makes the same things happen over and over again.

I also noticed that under the sun there is evil in the courtroom. Yes, even the courts of law are corrupt!
I said to myself, "In due season God will judge everyone, both good and bad, for all their deeds."

I also thought about the human condition—how God proves to people that they are like animals.
For people and animals share the same fate—both breathe and both must die. So people have no real advantage over the animals. How meaningless!
Both go to the same place—they came from dust and they return to dust.
For who can prove that the human spirit goes up and the spirit of animals goes down into the earth?

So I saw that there is nothing better for people than to be happy in their work. That is why we are here! No one will bring us back from death to enjoy life after we die."

Romans 8:28 "And we know that God causes everything to work together for the good of those who love God and are called according to his purpose for them."

I just thought I would share two things that I have drawn great strength from in the past, and that I hold true too even now.

I will not be doing much personal writing aside from poetry or maybe a story on here for the next bit other than to update on my vacation.

A great family orentied and personal storm is looming low and dark on the far horizon and I cannot comment upon it at this time, or possibly ever, so if I seem sparse in personal insight in andof myself for the next while, you now know why.

Somethings just need to be kept private is all.

Live, Laugh, Love and Endure...
~Caleb

Righteous, unholy anger...

To be clear, I want to make all understand that I will see them squirm and weep in bitter agony at their evil foolishness and selfish spite when they realize just what they have stoaked in me and how utterly cut off they will be from whom they abuse so carelessly, when the time comes, and I will allow the darker parts of me to relish it to its fullest...

There can be no remorse in me for this, and I will gladly allow myself to be dammed for it...

~Caleb

Lonesome Praire

I strike the match upon my handle, the wear pollished bone, the aged iron rests in leather set, lines matching my own, the flame touched the paper makein's alight and the smoke fills my breast, like the dark clouds rolling in from the north, my mind boils ever yet.
A pang, a hunger or an ache besets me, as I stare at the bonnets and brushes and blankets faded tint, my eyes gaze idly at the fire and color of one more lonely sunset.
I see her face in the clouds gathered, mama sky is cookin' up a shower, but it tis her golden blue green eyes I've not seen in two moons now, I'm lost beyond their power.
Where I not so very alone, save my horse and dog, I'd spare the breath to utter words croaking like some political frog.
But tis not my nature to speak without expecting some repose, so I sigh out some smoke and close my eyes and remember the warmth of her nose, pressed to my leathery cheek, her voice so soft as she inquires me for some rapture, but not now says I, I've a trail to ride, stray cows I must capture.
But when my work is then done, and to town I will ride, I will wrap my arms about you, like my gunbelt on my hips tonight, tomorrow I will entrap you...

~Caleb

Countdown...

My knuckles throbed, the crimsom oozed, DNA's biological flow, my goodwill abused,
He sputtered shocked, dribbled did he, uncomprehending the pain, bore true by me,
She should have, cried out foul, you turned inwardly, change concrete now,
"It's over sir.", I did say, you stood behind, burn darkly today,
My feelings vetted, your honor upheld, broken free now, no words weld,
The bonds shattered, fragments now cold, they don't understand, how defiantly bold,
I truly am, it's your fault, but be glad, heart of gault,*
You're safe now, sheltered within me, forget the foolish, they won't see,
The love purest, beyond their grasp, built on time, connected strongly clasp,
Our fate now, conjure up destiny, worthier parts now, we seek serenity,
So come sojourn, this road life, waypoints pass quickly, joy and strife,
Make the time, mark the hours, bind your heart, like summer flowers,
Blossom so sweetly, the suns direction, rest my love, now in affection,
Melt away slowly, in my arms, sleep free love, safe from harms,
Forget the world, I beg now, sooth my ache, someway or somehow,
Touch my heart, and I too, caress you tenderly, I love you...

~Caleb

*Gault = derivative of old German word for "Gold"

Summertime

So it seems to me that My poor old bloggy hath been rather slowly dwindling as of late, and I have been pondering on taking up the pen, so to speak, and writing some more here, and I have in fact tried to pick it up on my fiction writing as well, and am making some slow but sure headway. But I will comment on that later maybe.

For the moment, while I fight the typos that ensure when one has not typed very fast or for very long in recent weeks, I should like to speak upon the magical and singular moment in time, we all have, at least once every year, and for many of us, within a rather wide (depending on your viewpoint I guess) window of time.

Two words; Summer Vacation.

My own vacation will be between June 27th, and July 11th, where I will not work hardly one iota, the love of my life will fly down to visit me, and we shall enjoy a few many a lazy summer day trolling museums, movie theaters, Whataburger, Jack in the Box, Steak n' Shake, the mall, and any parks we fancy, including water-parks, and amusement-parks, and we will also likely just find ourselves a place to park, sit, and talk, maybe go on a picnic, or just wander about the streets of downtown, and see the sights, grab some Five Guys, and enjoy some live music, hell, I might even be persuaded to bust out the old Ovation and bang out a few tunes of my own.

All I want is to spend some quality time with her, and for you who are thinking perverted thoughts, shame on you, that is NONE of your affair or concern as to if I and my love get a little "extra close and affectionate" it is our own business, and our stance is set to be honorable and dedicated to one another from now until I marry her, and then the real fun can start in earnest. :)


In the meantime... I pine for her, I burn for her touch, thirst for her lips, crave her smile, and her hand in mine... Tis' a hard row to hoe, a crappy line to tow, and a line I shall walk because she is mine.

I almost can't wait for next summer... Almost...


So anyways, all you wonderful interwebs peeps, if you live in the Good Ol' U S of A, you know the romance and magic summer holds for us, the dreams, the joys and the lessons that are learned, be it learning how to drive a stick, how to kiss, how to dance, or how to let go and be free, here's to a happy, and safe summer to us all, may it last longer in our hearts and minds than it does on the calenders and bank balances!



Deuces n' rock chillens' Live, Laugh, Love, and Endure.

~Caleb

Just let it alone...

... IF you won't fix it like you're meant to...


I gotta say, the current generation of "adults" the leaders of the world, are really starting to piss me off, from not being as consistent as they demand myself and my peers to be, to outright hypocrisy in all things, to demanding such pointless and demeaning constraints as to defeat the purpose of them.

So to all of you "grown-ups" from my childhood whom I still must deal with, all of you "mature adults" who dog me and my peers, and cause such infernal frustration, to all of you "Parents" who do the exact thing the apostle Paul said in the bible to not do, that is it "provoke your children to wrath" I have this to say...

If you can't example the behavior that you want from us, then shut the hell up and get outta our way so we can figure it out on our own!

Thank you and good night internet, don't let the window close on your fingers  when you leave.

~Caleb

*sigh*

It has in fact been a while since I've written anything for this blog, and other than being very busy with life, very distracted and unmotivated, I really don’t have much of an excuse.

There, now that the smoke has been blow up the proper asses (for you who care I guess) I can now get onto what I wanna vent about.

Being an adult, sucks. Major. A lot of the time. Life is far too complicated and convoluted to be fun or reasonable. And its because of all the stupid things they don’t tell you in school or church or at home when your growing up…

Bills and more bills, rent, rent applications, taxes, banks, online purchases, insurance, cars and gas for cars and maintenance for cars and food and drinks and everything…

Little wonder some people will cling desperately to a failed relationship, if only because with all of the crap that is required to live in the world today, you would need twice the normal mental capacity of a full grown human adult, which last I heard was somewhere on the order of two terabytes, one for storage, the other for processing. Most desktop computers don’t fully match that level of performance, and they have borderline zero logical or emotive or linear capabilities as of this time. But then maybe that is in fact part of the issue? Computers have allowed us to over complicate things? Made us slower, dumber even?

Either way, what I hate is that as convoluted life is the established adults who run the world, all suck like cheap dyson vacuum cleaner knock-offs.

All you people seem able to do is to make things far more complex then needed, with ridiculously adamant requirements that the up and coming twenty somethings (such as myself and my peer group) must follow and abide by rules that you yourselves didn’t follow, and which complicate things tactically for us, and insult not only us, but yourselves, by both imputing our character (both collectively and individually) and disparaging your own efforts at leadership. And then you take the “moral” high ground refuting any arguments with religion, “past experience” and your overwhelming command of all knowledge everywhere for all time…

No two people are the same, and if one is not willing to learn from history, then yes, one may be doomed to repeat it, but notice that as much as history repeats, it never EVER takes the exact same path to the exact same place. Why? Because, time marches on, and we, the current up and comers, are not YOU, the current establishment, and leadership of the world, and while you may enjoy playing the blame game, and shuck off everything for us to handle tomorrow, we are growing tired of your bullshit, and we hope you enjoy your hypocrisy now while you can, because I for one, aim on making sure that when your old and helpless, its ALL you have left to cling to…

Live, Love, Laugh, Endure,

~Caleb

May the fourth, be with you...

OR... Was that good for you too?

You’re my favorite disease, my repeat offense,

time and again to rend my heart and since,

you haunt my dreams with your harm,

you lost your light and your charm,

you wound me to the core, but why can’t you see,

after all the love, now you just depress me…

I left my heart in New York City,

in the arms of a girl oh so pretty,

coffee dark eyes with a hint of cream,

rich dark tresses soft like a dream,

lips like an angel, tongue like a sailor,

I could never hate her,

but my hearts on her shelf, a trophy won of games,

now I’m dark n cold and will never be the same...

I love a girl with all my heart,

and nothing hurts me more then when we're apart,

I would do anything I could to hold her now,

to undo my mistakes to make her know she’s loved truly and how

I destroyed myself only for her let the life flow,

The rain from her face when I had to go,

But I’ve spent too much time pining for what wasn’t real,

a flood of emotions a show, the neon flow of how I feel,

now I’m throwing heart shaped rocks at a princess in a glass tower,

never no never over me did she understand her power,

I’m still trying to crack her ill-founded resolve in the hopelessness she’s fallen into,

but the questions and answers don’t align and with the sorrow n lines I now find we’ve been through

and the bottom line is that one is right the other wrong,

but which is which in this sad song?

I really cant see, and I just wont hear, any more jokes or complaints about her fears,

And while the lies that bound us are now undone,

She wants to tag along with me now and have some fun,

But I really cant care, and I just wont feel, any more of her bullshit this time thank you,

I’m a new me now, defined refined and so no longer mister blue,

Because I found my heart and had it rebuilt right,

With a girl who is real, fine, and dynamite,

So thank you lord, I was blind but now see,

The truth be told it was right there in front and side of me,

What I needed was a friend, loyal and true,

Accepting and honest, quirky and not you,

Who uses abuses wastes and squanders all she sees or haves,

Who eats her own mind as she sells her soul and body for bath salve’s,

But now I'm done, cause I found my one, my best friend and most trusted lover and ally,

So all I guess is left is for the mop up of all the tears that spilled when all I could do was cry,

But wait a minuet, the time has thusly passed, and I’ve moved on, you’ve failed and still hit the grass,

But that’s just fine, I’m far happier this way,

Just troll facebook or twitter, to catch the blessed pics from her and mine wedding day.

Ahhh, final emotional purge is relaxing like a good orgasm…

That sounded far less dirty in my head…

Duces n rock interwebs, you know you love me ;p endure!

Music

=

Love

=

Life

~Caleb

observations

So now I would like to again comment for a few moments, upon relationships.

It has been suggested and or maintained by certain persons, that a relationship can and or will be affected by such things as location, distance, finances, goals, and even fitting into or the failure of fitting into preconceived rolls and or ideals.

To this, I'd like to say something; horseshit...

A meaningful relationship is not based on how well off one or the other is, how diverse or common your goals might be, where either person might live, or how neatly anyone fits into the rolls, or "proper place" that is so often defined by others.
 And when snide remarks and provocative comments are used to do nothing more than meddle and discourage, no matter what the motivation might be, you have not just missed the point, you have only diminished your position, whatever it may be.

The Beatles had it right, "All you need is love..." is true, but only if you truly believe it to be so. I and my love believe it, and while we have our concerns about the future, we are not scared, nor worried, because we believe in us, and our love. We'll be alright so long as we're together.

That is all...

~Caleb

brain dump (pt.2)

Ideally, I would have learned how to start a blog post by now, but I guess that I shall never learn the proper way to do that...

Clearly either you caught that bit of sarcasm, or at least the subjectivity of that statement, and if not, then allow me to be a "pretentious pompous and arrogant ass" and inform you that you should just close the browser window now, and give up reading my thoughts here, you missed it, and I will not explain it to you further.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on drugs, or coming off of drugs, like Neo in the first Matrix film, trying to adjust to his ideal of reality being shattered, and the truth is a dull, frightening, disconnected blur of discomfort and hardship.

Sometimes I feel as if all I can do is simply fight to stay awake, to do what must be done, to go to work, go to school, buy food, and gas, and things I need... To function as "a healthy, well adjusted, responsible adult" in the "real" world.

As things stand, I'm not too thrilled with how god-awful overly complex and retarded the real world tends to be.


I work as a security guard, and I do carry a firearm, and I have of course been trained in its usage (as per state and federal law) but while this job isn't all that hard assuming everyone is behaving like an adult, and the powers that be over me within my company have their act together, that uniform and the nickle plated badge I wear, make me a target for the evil minded people of the world, who either don't care, have nothing to loose, or want to see if they can get away with it. Whatever "it" may be.

I really only have one true, great fear, and that is leaving my love alone in this world, and that she would not withstand the pain of loosing me...


I also am worried that I will not be able or at least very good at providing for her. She has never known lack, or want. I have. I am used to it. She is not. I know how to survive lack, how to trust God for provision, and while I know she believes and trusts in God, I honestly cannot say that she understands just what life with me may entail, in that, while we might be together, we might be in a below average setting. We may lack for things, be it a few, or a great many, but then, I know that neither of us is too terribly worried or enchanted by fancy shiny things. Thank goodness...

But I know that even if we end up in a box under a freeway overpass, for a short time, so long as we are together, and love one another, I can be happy, especially if she is happy. Even so, I aim to take care of her to the best of my ability, and in all things, put her first, even if it means I must sacrifice myself, since I'm pretty sure that's what the apostle Paul meant when he said "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her..."  Eph 5:25

But I could be, ya know, totally wrong... Sure... Either way, that's how I see it, and this brain dump is now done. Shut up interwebs, you shoulda learned by now...




Endure,
~Caleb

Brain Dump (pt.1)

All I can think about, all I can truly care about, is her...
I miss her so much, the way her fingers fit into mine, the way she fits into my side, the scent of her hair, the warm flavor of her lips and neck, the gentleness of her touch, the way her eyes shine in the moonlight, the way her skin is always so soft, the way the pale porcelain cast is mixed with the sweet dark dots of her freckles, and the way they dust her flesh, in a likened gentle manner as her finger tips dust my arms and her lips brush my neck.
I miss her smile, the way she smiles, the way she laughs, the way she walks, talks, observes and wanders, and how she always seems to rest on me, and basks in my strength, and feels the safety I extend to her, the protection and love I hold for her, and the desire we hold for one another. How much I long for her, how much does she make life seem better, shopping, cleaning, all things we do not enjoy, cooking, for her, washing dishes for me, things we do not enjoy, and yet when we are together, they seem enjoyable, fun even, little things that we find pleasure in, delight in each other.
The dull pang, the smoldering agony, the tearing of distance and separation, and of being apart.

Time moves too slowly, but love burns strongly.

Music
=
Love
=
Life

Endure... ~Caleb

good-bye good-bye good-bye, and all the tears we cry...

Gazing down at the earth below, I cannot help but feel the churning of emotions that now are sadly too familure to me, the profound sense of loss, the sudden sadness, the pang of lonelyness as we again say our good-byes. The hope everlasting springing up once more, that it is not forever, and that we'll once more see each other, soon enough one day, and that it will be enough, to be one step closer, to lowering, vanishing, destorying the barrier of distance and time, one peirod of time closer to together forever, where each moment isnt clouded by how rare it truly is. Indeed that is always what makes it so bittersweet, each time we meet, knowing that it is rare, special, and limited so, and perchance that is why we care as we do, overcoming all of the prevous and savoring each bit of time we get. But that never makes it easier... Every single time we say good-bye, I feel my heart collapsing, quaking, shuddering to a stop, as if dull thick sludge has entered my veins. I cannot help the tears in my eyes, cannot help the urge to cry until I die. I cannot stop the overwhelming sense of wrong, as if a part of my heart has been ripped out and drug away for no other reason than "just because" or that circumstances have yet to change. Three times in 24 hours, we said good bye, and due to life and people and circumstances, the hope and dream and wish for just one more day, was granted almost in full, but it was rending my heart, even as it soothed it, my body and mind pushed to a limit. I didn't force or plan or plot this, it just happened, and I've yet to tottally muddle through this, and I know that it has yet to hit me, to the fullest extent of what now is, its hopefully not too terribly long until we are together once more, for a little while longer at least, a small preview of when forever will start, but until that time, I still carry but half, of a wounded sad heart... I love you Kristen, even through the pain of absense, I love you, more and more every day. <3 Live Love Endure ~Caleb

the divide...

Mind your manners, be polite,
Don't smoke don't cuss, do what is right,
Comb your hair, and tuck in your shirt,
Yes sir or no mam, and don't ever flirt!

Respect your elders, and protect anyone weaker,
Be proud of yourself, yet stay all the meeker,
Stand up and be counted, for what you feel is right,
But don't yell or shout, and don't ever pick a fight!

Be upright and proper, and above reproach,
Don't worry about what others think, but be aware of what others see,
You and yours reputations, always at risk,
The public overall couldn't care, and your family cares too much!

Be willing to do what it takes, but don't you dare actually do it,
Deeply feel all you can, but dampen your passion lest you have a fit,
Be what you know you should for others in thought, but take care not to act on it,
Follow your heart and persure your deisires, but harrness and bind yourself you twit!

IDIOTS!
KNAVES!
FOOLS!
HYPOCRITES ALL!

You neuter the dog, then expect him to be fierce, to guard and rend the evil ones, but you deny him his power, and when evil is committed, you scold his growling bite. Because YOU commit the wrong, the harm and the dark acts, and then veil it with putrid holiness, pervted position, and rancid self-righteousness...

But then what might happen you who enjoy your frail and rotting protection, suddeny cross that line once more, before the stalwart hound? No one could be blamed but of course the one acting in righteousness and holy wrath... But that does not scare me, not any more...

A later Answer for a forgotten question...

Back on December 6th 2010, I asked a question, a question that, in my own roundabout, ADD riddled, scattered brained way, have answered, however me being me (as if I could convincingly be anyone else for more than a few hours) I feel that it is a valid, and mostly direct question, that I have failed to answer in any sort of direct and valid way, and of course as is my curse of having a selectively long and cast iron memory, and having my own constantly shifting method of throughput into my own life, I now find that I suddenly, and rather fittingly (for my level of ADD and tri-polar insomnia) I have the urge to answer that question, as unfair as it really is for me to do so with such a both indefinable and yet massive amount of hindsight. Yes, I know, the wonderful sexy and long suffering English Major I'm dating has just cringed at the almost 100 word long run-on sentience I just wrote (I <3 u Kitten :3) Sorry...


And so now, as I wrangle my ADD and the shred of muse I currently have, I will now answer that question:

All things being equal, even when they aren't (and they never really are anyways) I can say, that in the end, the greatest personal evil is to refute oneself, and to cling to that which will undoubtedly kill you, be it on which ever level or in whatever realm of meaning you which to plug it into, and thereby steal from God, the world, and yourself, your true self, and all that you might be capable of...


To quote The Bard; "... This above all; to thine own self be true..."
OR to quote Socrates: "Know thy self."

From the above, I can say this; understand who you really are at heart, and not who you think others want you to be, the be honest with yourself, and the world as to who you are, and just what you can do, and if others don't like it? Feed em' fish heads, because they don't matter, and they can't and won't be held accountable for your heart, actions, and sanity. Only you will be.



Mac out kiddo's, catch y'all when I do,

Music
=
Love
=
Life

Endure,
~Caleb

compare and contrast analysis

To compare the truth and fiction is the job of the creative mind, to devine the heart of something from both the real and the intangible.

Comparing and contrasting the fictional character Violet Marie Schultz, and her creator, Kristen Brianne Dennis, is the task I have set upon, and in doing so, i hope to better understand, and appreciate both creator and creation, both as myself, and as my own creation William James Talbot.

So now then, let us start at the very begining, the clear place to start.
The very first encounter between myself and Kristen was on a roll play, writing, and discussion forum called Gotham: City of Darkness, and the site premies was set on the recent Batman movies and other live action comicbook movies.

Over the course of several story arcs on the site, Violet and Will developed a strong friendship, and bond as partners and leaders of a group called the Outcasts. The biggest contrast between the two, was that Will had been raised and trained by his parents, to be a hero and law abiding citizen, whereas Violet had grown up on the streets as an orphan, and had risen to the place of a gang leader. But they did have a common moral stance, and while William was clearly a lawful good, & Violet neutral good, the balance struck between them, his rarely bending defense of the letter and spirit of the law, and her flexible but un-breaking defense of the higher moral standard and protection of life, with the great respect they held for one another, was the glue that held them together.

In the realms of the real world, via the internet, there was a shallow, but honest working relationship between myself and Kristen, and it was centered on writing, both on the site, and for our own respective personal projects. Until we migrated to a simlar site she owned, little in-depth personal info was exchanged, until enough timed passed that it was silly not to open up a more personal, if only casual friendship. However, in the web based fiction we where creating together, a new dynamic between Will and Vi was created, and it would in time become prophetic in the real world.

A romantic relationship, due to connections in history, powers, and personality, Will and Violet became working friends, then best personal friends, and then due to the level of connection, love blossomed between them...

Now that the backstory has been established, I shall dig into the relationship between William and Violet, and then the connections between Kristen and her creation.

By our own admisions, Kristen and I have based the core essence of our characters off of ourselves, and while there are clearly a number of traits and factors within both creations that are purely creative license, the basic templet is obviously patterned off of self.

Looking at Violet, the clear and direct traits that define her, are as follows:

1) she is a survivor, in all things, she survives no matter the circumstances, she finds a way to hold on even when There is no hope, she endures and lives to fight another day.

2) she is a protector, given the above, she also mannages to reconcile an almost paternal protective instinct, which is indicitive of her moral compass and leads into the next point,

3) she is self- sacrificing and upholds a high personal standard, even as a gang leader, the only crime she allowed in her gang, was theft, to provide food for the homeless members she was responsible for.

For Kristen, the same basic attributes can be seen; she has endured a number of personal upheavals, some, which would have bent or broken a lesser personality, she has remained steadfast in upholding her views, and protected others by her choices and actions, even at her own expense, and all of that has come from her inflinching adhearsion to her own moral standards, even when hypocrisy and ridicule has fallen upon her for her choices.

In both Kristen and Violet, there is a great deal of pain from betrayal and no-win circumstances, in both of them there is an unbending and steadfast belief in something better, and in the ideals of a greater good, and personal responsibility.

Both in herself, and in Violet, Kristen shows an overlooked strength in the ability to see things from multiple views, and to find a balance in things.

Both Violet and Kristen are attractive young women, but not in the glamorous or popular sense, but in the old fashion, wholesome and sensible way, due to the inner strength, insight and beauty.

Both are very complex and multifaceted women with a barely hidden duality, a strange mixture of feral strength, fragile beauty, formidably pointed intellect, and a smoldering spark of passion that is carefully hidden and contained, and an ingrained fear of self, of the power and duality that defines them...

It is that which binds myself, and William to them, the way we all fit together, is a wonderous mystery.
And it is why William loves Violet, and I love Kristen. As much as can be explained, there is an equal amount that cannot be explained. So I will not needlessly try. But then, its clearly never stopped me has it? ;)

~Caleb

marking time

Who is to say, what tomorrow will bring?
Perhaps the end, or more songs to sing.

Sunsets and music, food and drink, kisses so sweet, don't close your eyes, you'll miss something if you blink.

But close your eyes, as time suddenly slows, as your lips touch mine, then I kiss your nose.

The feel of your warmth next to me, your fingers mingled with mine, our love alive for all to see.

Your eyes, your hands, your hips, your smile, your bossom, your neck, your laugh, your wit, your affection for me, all I can do is try and fail, to express my enchantment and devotion, my fascination and loyalty, my respect and love for you and all you are, inside and out, outside and in...

If only I could find the words, to truly express everything, you are, I am, we can be... Everything I dream of...

I do not have the words, but that has never stopped me, now has it? ;)

Endure,
Music = Love = Life
~Caleb

down at the crossroads

Picking between an iffy tactical, academic and personal victory, and a certain personal, emotional and romantic victory, is a hell of a choice, and for me its not a choice to make lightly, but in the end, I will go with the certian personal victory, because she is worth it, and in the end, her happyness and wellbeing is all I care about.

I personally wish I didn't have to choose, but circumstances have again put me in such a position that I am again forced to choose between the "smart" logical and tactical choice, and the "unwise" emotive and moral choice.

Too many times before I have picked the former over the latter, at crossroads of my life, I have made choices based on such circumstanses, and everytime I have ignored my hearts urging, I have regreted it wholeheartedly...
I refuse to do so again.

Its as simple as that.

Live, Love, Endure.
~Caleb

*headdesk*

When the urge is there, but the words won't come, it is just one more symptom of what is wrong inside, the grinding of the gears, the distraction, the faint ache and wearyness that never seems to fade, until that missing bit, the lost part, the ingredent that is lacking is returned to me...
Only then can I function at my fullest, then I can be who I really am, then I am complete...

Then I no longer hurt in a way that never gets better, or worse, it just sits there and saps me...

I hate you time, you march by far too slow...

~Caleb

The Word...

The warmth of her voice soothed the savage beast,
The kindness mixed with snark tickled at the geek,
The gentleness of her words, hid her inner questions,
The curiosity in her head drove away her fear,
The warmth of her touch sparked a smoldering flame,
The purity of her actions provoked a sudden change,
The depth of her emotion paid a bill past due,
The honesty of her word took me to her from you...





I think I'm going to zonk out now at last...

Deuces interwebs!

Endure,
~Caleb

rosey prosey nosey posie...

The falsly salty tears drove down, etching lines deeper still.
The moon-lit granite carved or marred,
Forced against my will.
The god facade of my face crumbled,
Under the hammer blows.
Who knew shrew your lies where steel,
Bitting burning cold as like the winter snows.
My pride died long before you tried to vice my seed away,
Still truth aloof not as I feared,
When the light brought the day.
Thank distance withthis lone fact I conjured in good faith,
Under the war-paint and coffee locks,
You are little more that a wraith.
Only taking faking all you want and all you see,
Your a bitch a floozy and whore,
That is all that you can be.
But now how can I pass judgment harsh pointed and detatched,
When once in my life I was more than your match?
Well riled child the truth is plain and simple you see more than just my word,
I woke and grew and moved up,
I for one vastly matured.

But now as I break the form, of this frilly silly verse, I must say thank you for once and for all; at least you didn't put me in a REAL herse!



Part of a final purge I'm sure... more to come trolls!

~Caleb

When Even Angels Die...

Her smile was still as soft, as kind and loving as it had always been, even if it was not as bright or youthful as the first time he had seen it, her eyes that same singular color it had always been, even with the shifting tint the years had brought on, and the slight dimness that time had given her.
Her hair was still long as they both prefered, thiner than it had been when they where young, but still soft and sweet as ever, the silver texture all but overcoming the mixed brown that still held on through out.
Her skin was wrinkled now, still freckled, still soft, still pale, if not more so now, given the wear of time, the laugh lines, and crows feel made her more distinguished and lovely for him, her beauty always deeper than her skin in his eyes.

Her voice crakled softly, the soprano still rich and perfect in his weary large ears, the gentle rasp of her youth replaced withed a lumpy grate, still lovely he told her whenever she would apologize for "sounding like an old raven" which always made him smile.

But as much as she had stayed the same, she had also changed...

No more so then over the last year.

His large wrinkled palm took her slender drawn hand into its care, his fingers falling into place without a thought, his strangly blue eyes glossed over with tears as he heard the wracking cough, her lips again smiling, for the first time since her health was leetched away, as he pressed his lips to her still soft cheek, as she one last time would say, "I love you sweetheart, oh so very much, more than words could express, with all I am inside..." and as he whispered a tear filled reply, "Of that I have no doubt my treasure, and I love you just as much..." she closed her hazle eyes at his warm gentle touch one last time, then died...

He never really felt as if, he had failed in his endevour, to express his love and devotion to her forever, nor did he count the days following until as if a final roll of dice, he joined her beyond this feeble world and made true love to her, heart to heart, soul to soul, in paradise...



No clue where that came frome, other than I realized the depth and gravity of my love... it almost shook me had it not been for how comforted I felt...

Endure,
~Caleb

St. Valentines Day...

Do you know, my love,
How much I love you today?
How it is so much more in comparison than the day before?

Do you know, my love,
How much I miss you?
How much it hurts, inside and out, to be without your touch?

Do you know, my love,
How much I care for you?
How much I worry for your wellbeing and happyness in all things?

Do you know, my love,
How many my thoughts are, for you and what you do and where you go?

Do you know, my love,
How much I want you?
To hold you, and kiss you, and to pour out my affections upon you right now?

Do you know, my love,
How much I need you?
In my life, in my arms, and in my heart?

Do you know, my love,
How thankful I am?
That we met, that we are best friends, that we are lovers, that our hearts are inertwined, that you are my other half?

Do you know, my love,
That I am so much more now, than I would be otherwise?

Do you know, my love,
That I love you more than these words could ever properly express?

I know, and you know, and no matter what anyone else says or thinks or knows, we know, deep within our hearts, and that is all that matters.
<3


Live, Love, Endure,
~Caleb

How and Why?

Why is it that deciding what the right thing isn't always the only issue, but also deciding what the SMART thing is?

One would think they would be one and the same, but in truth, they are often far removed from one another, and it is the space between that muddies the waters and complicates things, seemingly needlessly most times, yet if one believes that there is a plan in everything, that nothing happens without a reason, then one must conjure a reason, a meaning for that complication that besets you when you are faced with the choice between the smart move, and the right move.

And then sometimes there is no "right" choice, so you must pick the "rightest" smart choice you can.

Even if it seems selfish?

Even if it seems cruel?

Even if you're dammed if you do, or dammed if you don't?

And never discount your gut reaction, especially if it tends to be right.

In the end I guess, all one can do is make the best guess, the best choice you can see to make, and if its a choice that must be made with another person, then an agreement must be made, a balance struck, understanding reached...

I just hope and pray I can make the right choice, and even more so, that I can live with it, its impact, and the consequences thereof...

Endure,
~Caleb

To Alexis A...

Wow... four years ago this month, we met, and soon thereafter became friends, and not long after that, we started dating... and THEN I started falling for you...
But I can't blame you for that, I blame myself, I knew better from the start, we should have never blured the lines between a good friendship and a bad romance, and for that I can almost blame you, because, lets be honest here, you where being selfish, and yes, so was I, but truly, how egotistical must a person be to think that an older male would totally up root himself from simply EVERYTHING just for little ol you?
How narcissistic is that?
Sure flashing some soft sweet skin, and promising a shot at the world and a family and glamor is all well and good, but is that all you could do? A few commonalites and the offer of constant sex are far from the bedrock needed for a lasting romance, hell they're barely the preambles to a torid summer fling!
And yet you hooked me, in that all too vulnerable spot, and that offten wounded place, and before either of us knew it, we where well on our way to a hell of your making.
Make no mistake, I blame you for the hell, it was your fault in the end, and even you can admit to that, can't you? I don't know honestly, last i heard, you said you'd grown, but you never really grew up from what I could ever tell, you just got smarter, and learned your trade better even well, oh you learned to blame me, as if you needed to at all, to blame your parents your friends, or lack thereof, The weed, the city, the fading of our "love" but in the end it was really all you, your web became tangled & covered in glue, of all the lies we both had told and as you still blame me, shuck your fair blame, I can't help but notice by the lack of your evedince, your still the same, and oh so sorry and terribly lame, you like a "profesional wrestler" who reminds me of a douche bag jersy shore me, well la de da, I guess what I said way back a year ago was true; I was the trigger for the bomb you had built, so you can't blame me and still dodge the guilt.
Now don't get me wrong, I don't hate you, I wanted to and couldn't, no matter what you did, but given some time and distance, and a taste of the real thing, I can't help but come to one singular conclusion, and it pains just a little to say; I never truly loved you, in any real meaningful way, and for that I am sorry, and apologize totally for that slight, but it takes two to tango, and right now I'm alright, because in a strange way, you somehow where right, and when I go to sleep in the morning, it won't be you I tell good night.

So for that I must thank you, in a strange ironic way, without almost choaking on ypur shit, I would have never found the real thing.
So now I'm at the end of this letter, perhaps over due, but all things in good time I guess.

Good bye Alexis, and if I never see or hear of or from you again then that is just how life goes, its funny how it is, but it is what it is, and at least I'm better for it.

~Caleb