Coping with the wounds...

This is going to be a total scatter brained mind dump, as I have no clue how to start this, or how it will end.

It just has some of the unfinished thoughts that didn't make the cut in the last post and whatever the hell comes out of my head now...



There are times I question myself, and my views on the universe, namely in the realms of God, and my relationship with the master creator, father of all, and judge of every living thing. Sometimes I question if he is real, but I know in my heart he is, not due to any "indoctrination" or tradition or simply because my parents told me so, although I will not discount their influence, but I have proven to myself, God is real, and he has proven it to me as well, the writing is on the wall if one is willing to look for it, and keep their minds open.

But it is very hard. It takes faith. It takes courage. It takes strength. All things that we can all hold as noble virtues, and yet how great is our lacking in them? I know mine is greater than I would ever dare admit or quantify out loud, and yet...

I know that in everything, there is a plan, of some sort. Order in chaos, chaos in order, random chance, blind luck, the hand of Almighty God, all play their parts according to His will, and there are oh so many threads that weave in and out, connected in too many ways to even conceive a name for the number, and as such, I know that all I can do, all I can be held responsible for, in the end when all things are done, this world comes to its end, and I breathe my last, is doing the very best I can, with whatever I have, and trusting God to take care of the rest.


But then, why must I suffer even still? How is it that after ten or more years of heartache, disappointment, trials, wilderness, and stupidity, I must now be taunted by the one thing I have always longed for, having it, and yet not? Why must my love be so far from me? Why must situations, and requirements for the powers that be in our life's be so needlessly restrictive and infringing? Why can we not just be left along to be together and in love, encouraging and inspiring each other in truth and love?

The Bible tells us that "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." (Proverbs 13:12 NLT) and I believe it is true, because I know it is true, my heart has been very sick for a long time, and I will lay claim to my fair share of the responsibility for that, I know I have been very stupid in the past, but I would like to think that I have out grown that to one extent or another now. So why must I now struggle with this... Distance?


I can only think of one answer, and... In a real sense, it is a loaded reply to a loaded question.
Dare I? I know it will draw many a thought and judgement upon me...





Fuck it all...

I have to struggle with the distance, the helplessness, the frustration at my inability to act directly on her behalf, the pain brought on by it, the trials and tests, to refine myself. To prove myself worthy of her, and her love. I must fight, with every beat of my heart, with every breath I take, with every step, every choice, and every move, that I am worthy of her, that I deserve her. That she has chosen well for herself, in giving her heart to me.

The hotter the flame, the purer the metal, the greater the struggle, the sweeter the reward, the harder one works for something, the more one appreciates it.

And I am wholly convinced that she is worth it all, and oh so much more. She is worth every breath I will ever breathe, every drop of sweat I shall ever shed, every ounce of blood I hold, every cent I will ever own, she is worth that and more. Worth every scar, every pain or ache I have or will ever endure, she is worth my very soul, every word I will ever speak, song I will ever sing, and every part of who I am. And oh so very much more...



In the end, I find the bitter sweet paradox, is that when I was alone, and despairing, tearing myself apart over they who where apparently not worthy of me, whom is worthy of none, all I could do was all I am truly gifted at; Enduring. It is the cornerstone upon my whole person is built.
Ergo, I am one unflinchingly tenacious, hard-assed, rock solid, steal fingered, vice gripped stubborn, Irish Greek and Scottish blooded, ass-kicking, nose-breaking, prose-spewing, riff-ripping, knuckle-dragging son-of-a-bitch...

It's why I once (and more than once) asked Kristen, if she was mentally stable for wanting to date me. Because I know I'm a half-side of fries short of a value meal, and anyone who can keep up with me is too... But then I guess that's why I can say, she is the other half of my heart, the missing piece of my soul, that I never fully realized was gone, and now that I've found her, I can't imagine her not being there, not being here, in my life, in some way... Which, brings me back to the pain in my heart, the cold empty feeling in my arms, and the burning ache on my lips, because she's not right next to me...


But, I am loved, more than I may ever fully understand or realize, and I love in like manner.
It makes me stronger, by just enough so that I may endure even just one more day until good-bye is no more, and forever is tomorrow, and today becomes yesterday, which is a fond memory and a lesson learned.



Laugh, Love, Live, Endure, and remember:

Music = Love = Life

~Caleb