The Damage in your (my) heart...

Now that I can think, see and again feel good about the world, I feel that I should I should say a few words about this last week...

After all the time that has passed since the first week of last August, I find that saying good-bye is no easier the second time, when compared to the first.

It should feel easier if only because its not the first time, and yet, it is harder than the first time because it tears at that part of me that was previously torn but four months ago. And knowing that it will tear again only adds to the pain.

I know that back in August when she dropped me off at the airport, it was hard for both of us, and this time when the rolls where reversed, it was somehow harder, somehow more potent.

And unlike last time, unlike her, when I left the airport, I looked back as I walked out the door.


I shouldn't have looked back...


I gave her a small stuffed kitten, with two small stuffed pink hearts on ribbons, and I told her it was because, she has my heart as well as hers. But we both know better... I hold her heart dear to me, precious above all, and she holds mine in like manner.

I said some short time after I returned from Ohio, that I would leave Texas for her, and while the ideal remains, the truth is that doing so would likely doom our relationship, and each of our respective life's to total obscurity and obscene monotony.

So by dent of logic, and thoughtful reason, she would move here at some point. The question is when. I honestly would prefer, if I where to be totally selfish, for her to move here this coming summer, as I would get to be close to her all the time, school would, in the long run at least, be cheaper for her, she would get better grants for school, the local economy is filled with hot spots that are geared towards college students, in that prices are good to decent for things such as food, lodging, and other needed items, and there are jobs to be had, if one is willing to look for them.

But it is not my choice to make.

The bottom line is, that the ache in my heart is ever present, unless she is there to drive it away, and no matter what anyone else may say, or require of her, or I, or even us, the only cure for this pain in my heart, this ache in my chest, is her smile, her touch, her warmth next to me. Her lips pressed to my cheek, and her hands in mine.


There is so much more I wish to say, yet I lack the words to say it now. But I will say this; I love you Kristen, with all I am.

Until I no longer must endure without her...

~Caleb