brain dump (pt.2)

Ideally, I would have learned how to start a blog post by now, but I guess that I shall never learn the proper way to do that...

Clearly either you caught that bit of sarcasm, or at least the subjectivity of that statement, and if not, then allow me to be a "pretentious pompous and arrogant ass" and inform you that you should just close the browser window now, and give up reading my thoughts here, you missed it, and I will not explain it to you further.

Sometimes I feel like I'm on drugs, or coming off of drugs, like Neo in the first Matrix film, trying to adjust to his ideal of reality being shattered, and the truth is a dull, frightening, disconnected blur of discomfort and hardship.

Sometimes I feel as if all I can do is simply fight to stay awake, to do what must be done, to go to work, go to school, buy food, and gas, and things I need... To function as "a healthy, well adjusted, responsible adult" in the "real" world.

As things stand, I'm not too thrilled with how god-awful overly complex and retarded the real world tends to be.


I work as a security guard, and I do carry a firearm, and I have of course been trained in its usage (as per state and federal law) but while this job isn't all that hard assuming everyone is behaving like an adult, and the powers that be over me within my company have their act together, that uniform and the nickle plated badge I wear, make me a target for the evil minded people of the world, who either don't care, have nothing to loose, or want to see if they can get away with it. Whatever "it" may be.

I really only have one true, great fear, and that is leaving my love alone in this world, and that she would not withstand the pain of loosing me...


I also am worried that I will not be able or at least very good at providing for her. She has never known lack, or want. I have. I am used to it. She is not. I know how to survive lack, how to trust God for provision, and while I know she believes and trusts in God, I honestly cannot say that she understands just what life with me may entail, in that, while we might be together, we might be in a below average setting. We may lack for things, be it a few, or a great many, but then, I know that neither of us is too terribly worried or enchanted by fancy shiny things. Thank goodness...

But I know that even if we end up in a box under a freeway overpass, for a short time, so long as we are together, and love one another, I can be happy, especially if she is happy. Even so, I aim to take care of her to the best of my ability, and in all things, put her first, even if it means I must sacrifice myself, since I'm pretty sure that's what the apostle Paul meant when he said "Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself for her..."  Eph 5:25

But I could be, ya know, totally wrong... Sure... Either way, that's how I see it, and this brain dump is now done. Shut up interwebs, you shoulda learned by now...




Endure,
~Caleb