That Necceary Power...

Sinew strains, coiled then unfurled, blood thunders through coarse veins,
hardness is vital, blunt force desired,
finesse a secondary need, enhancing, each blow.

Heat builds from within, a frenzy erupts, blowing forth,
the goal always reached, as matter of course,
sweat pools wherever it will, the sweet musk of humanity, a heady deep thrill.

The chemicals flow, suddenly fast, firstly slow,
senses grow ever sharper, until they blur,
insignia grows tarnished, metal dulls, composites and wood blood varnished.

The passions flow, suddenly fast, firstly slow,
senses grow ever sharper, until they blur,
minds glow tarnished, restraint dulls, sheets and flesh blood varnished.

What is this? Why is it here? This force? This power?
Destructive, commanding, possessing, passionate, occupying, potent and unrelenting.
Ever feared, barely harnessed, and never tamed, vital to creating, and the turning of the seasons within seasons, the solid and inane,

It is the essence of God, contained within mere flesh and bone.

It is Manhood, Passion, Pride, Power, Strength, and even Love.

It is Testosterone...





Okay, that popped up pretty much out of no where...


Music = Love = Life & Endure,
~Caleb

Coping with the wounds...

This is going to be a total scatter brained mind dump, as I have no clue how to start this, or how it will end.

It just has some of the unfinished thoughts that didn't make the cut in the last post and whatever the hell comes out of my head now...



There are times I question myself, and my views on the universe, namely in the realms of God, and my relationship with the master creator, father of all, and judge of every living thing. Sometimes I question if he is real, but I know in my heart he is, not due to any "indoctrination" or tradition or simply because my parents told me so, although I will not discount their influence, but I have proven to myself, God is real, and he has proven it to me as well, the writing is on the wall if one is willing to look for it, and keep their minds open.

But it is very hard. It takes faith. It takes courage. It takes strength. All things that we can all hold as noble virtues, and yet how great is our lacking in them? I know mine is greater than I would ever dare admit or quantify out loud, and yet...

I know that in everything, there is a plan, of some sort. Order in chaos, chaos in order, random chance, blind luck, the hand of Almighty God, all play their parts according to His will, and there are oh so many threads that weave in and out, connected in too many ways to even conceive a name for the number, and as such, I know that all I can do, all I can be held responsible for, in the end when all things are done, this world comes to its end, and I breathe my last, is doing the very best I can, with whatever I have, and trusting God to take care of the rest.


But then, why must I suffer even still? How is it that after ten or more years of heartache, disappointment, trials, wilderness, and stupidity, I must now be taunted by the one thing I have always longed for, having it, and yet not? Why must my love be so far from me? Why must situations, and requirements for the powers that be in our life's be so needlessly restrictive and infringing? Why can we not just be left along to be together and in love, encouraging and inspiring each other in truth and love?

The Bible tells us that "Hope deferred makes the heart sick, but a dream fulfilled is a tree of life." (Proverbs 13:12 NLT) and I believe it is true, because I know it is true, my heart has been very sick for a long time, and I will lay claim to my fair share of the responsibility for that, I know I have been very stupid in the past, but I would like to think that I have out grown that to one extent or another now. So why must I now struggle with this... Distance?


I can only think of one answer, and... In a real sense, it is a loaded reply to a loaded question.
Dare I? I know it will draw many a thought and judgement upon me...





Fuck it all...

I have to struggle with the distance, the helplessness, the frustration at my inability to act directly on her behalf, the pain brought on by it, the trials and tests, to refine myself. To prove myself worthy of her, and her love. I must fight, with every beat of my heart, with every breath I take, with every step, every choice, and every move, that I am worthy of her, that I deserve her. That she has chosen well for herself, in giving her heart to me.

The hotter the flame, the purer the metal, the greater the struggle, the sweeter the reward, the harder one works for something, the more one appreciates it.

And I am wholly convinced that she is worth it all, and oh so much more. She is worth every breath I will ever breathe, every drop of sweat I shall ever shed, every ounce of blood I hold, every cent I will ever own, she is worth that and more. Worth every scar, every pain or ache I have or will ever endure, she is worth my very soul, every word I will ever speak, song I will ever sing, and every part of who I am. And oh so very much more...



In the end, I find the bitter sweet paradox, is that when I was alone, and despairing, tearing myself apart over they who where apparently not worthy of me, whom is worthy of none, all I could do was all I am truly gifted at; Enduring. It is the cornerstone upon my whole person is built.
Ergo, I am one unflinchingly tenacious, hard-assed, rock solid, steal fingered, vice gripped stubborn, Irish Greek and Scottish blooded, ass-kicking, nose-breaking, prose-spewing, riff-ripping, knuckle-dragging son-of-a-bitch...

It's why I once (and more than once) asked Kristen, if she was mentally stable for wanting to date me. Because I know I'm a half-side of fries short of a value meal, and anyone who can keep up with me is too... But then I guess that's why I can say, she is the other half of my heart, the missing piece of my soul, that I never fully realized was gone, and now that I've found her, I can't imagine her not being there, not being here, in my life, in some way... Which, brings me back to the pain in my heart, the cold empty feeling in my arms, and the burning ache on my lips, because she's not right next to me...


But, I am loved, more than I may ever fully understand or realize, and I love in like manner.
It makes me stronger, by just enough so that I may endure even just one more day until good-bye is no more, and forever is tomorrow, and today becomes yesterday, which is a fond memory and a lesson learned.



Laugh, Love, Live, Endure, and remember:

Music = Love = Life

~Caleb

The Damage in your (my) heart...

Now that I can think, see and again feel good about the world, I feel that I should I should say a few words about this last week...

After all the time that has passed since the first week of last August, I find that saying good-bye is no easier the second time, when compared to the first.

It should feel easier if only because its not the first time, and yet, it is harder than the first time because it tears at that part of me that was previously torn but four months ago. And knowing that it will tear again only adds to the pain.

I know that back in August when she dropped me off at the airport, it was hard for both of us, and this time when the rolls where reversed, it was somehow harder, somehow more potent.

And unlike last time, unlike her, when I left the airport, I looked back as I walked out the door.


I shouldn't have looked back...


I gave her a small stuffed kitten, with two small stuffed pink hearts on ribbons, and I told her it was because, she has my heart as well as hers. But we both know better... I hold her heart dear to me, precious above all, and she holds mine in like manner.

I said some short time after I returned from Ohio, that I would leave Texas for her, and while the ideal remains, the truth is that doing so would likely doom our relationship, and each of our respective life's to total obscurity and obscene monotony.

So by dent of logic, and thoughtful reason, she would move here at some point. The question is when. I honestly would prefer, if I where to be totally selfish, for her to move here this coming summer, as I would get to be close to her all the time, school would, in the long run at least, be cheaper for her, she would get better grants for school, the local economy is filled with hot spots that are geared towards college students, in that prices are good to decent for things such as food, lodging, and other needed items, and there are jobs to be had, if one is willing to look for them.

But it is not my choice to make.

The bottom line is, that the ache in my heart is ever present, unless she is there to drive it away, and no matter what anyone else may say, or require of her, or I, or even us, the only cure for this pain in my heart, this ache in my chest, is her smile, her touch, her warmth next to me. Her lips pressed to my cheek, and her hands in mine.


There is so much more I wish to say, yet I lack the words to say it now. But I will say this; I love you Kristen, with all I am.

Until I no longer must endure without her...

~Caleb

All my lovin...

I don't know what to say honestly but I know that it begs something to be said, I beg for something to say, but I have run out of words because I cannot hardly think, much less see right now, so I can only hope my iPods spell autocorrect is working better than usual right now...

the time we have had thus far hasn't been enough, but it is enough for now to both tell you and show you that I love you with all I am, and that every good bye we share is one less we will need to endure until it is no longer needed and every day that passes is one day closer to when the last good bye is said and forever can start in ernest...

Faith, Hope and Love remain, and the greatest above all is love...

Love endures, and thus, so do I...

~Caleb