In All Candor

Barring any unforeseen entanglements or further actions by the other parties involved, in less than two weeks (12 days), my divorce will be finalized, legalized and recognized, and the official and final marker will lay in memorial to the single most incredible, momentous, and impactful relationship within the last 10+ years of my life and my journey thus far. It feels like a big monster revealed on a movie screen, that is both larger lan life, yet within the context, smaller than my own body, both impressive and evocative, yet somehow unreal and yet almost believable, dislocated from reality and requiring some sort of suspension of disbelief, like the subconscious echo of a strange dream you jolt awake from, a spectacle that impacts you in the moment, shakes you deep in your bones, to your soul, yet fades almost as soon as the lights turn on and you take that first deep breath of wakefulness, stirring your hands and feet and feel the blanket over you rather than the mists of your own mind.

It is both the most tangible and hyper realistic, tactile and solid thing in my life, yet it also feels like a the wisps of that bad dream fading, not real, divided from reality, a lark or random bad day dream, a stray bad thought arising to check and balance your good mood when you get too full of yourself on a winning streak or right after you blow out the candle for your birthday wish.

But it is just like that wish, you know the one, the one you made sometime between 17 and 21? You know the one, it was the last real wish you ever made, where you knew in your heart, that it wasn't likely to come true, and with that, the final shred of innocence you unknowingly shepherded right up until that point, finally dissolved like the smoke wafting from that candle, when you realise that if wishes were horses, then beggars would ride...

The truth is both more needed and more terrible than you could ever admit, than anyone who ever really cared about you could ever bring themselves to telling you; Santa isn't real, and neither is Mickey Mouse or his friends the Disney Princesses, it's all a lovely pretty little white lie, a scam, a ploy and a practical joke, a stick without a carrot, a cheat code empowered boss, a nerf sold as a buff.

The Cake is a Lie, Pyrrha dies for nothing, Kodlak gets to Sovngarde but Aduin consumes him, the Templars are the least of your worries, not everyone gets to go home, and some who do, only go home to die...



In the end, all I wanted was someone to choose me, over anyone and everyone else, to stand up and say "This one? He is mine!" and prove to me, that they thought I was worth it, no matter what the circumstances, to fight for me, to fight with me, to forsake all others for my sake, for my soul, and for the sake of themselves, to want and to need me in the same way I want and need them, to be the best person they could be, for me to be the best person I could be, for the sake of us, for the sake of we, to work through it all, easy or hard, to surrender self until self, to become one thing in two parts, and to strive towards something greater.

Instead, I get to feel like I've wasted the last seven years of my life, all on some weak and dirty thing. As if I had bet it all on a lie, or cowardice, or a lack of resolve, as if it means nothing of great importance, as if all of the struggle, sacrifice and effort was just for the sake of entertainment value, like a caged beast in a circus, as if my tears, my scars, my trials, my efforts, my all and my everything, every moment, every tear, ever dollar, every step, every mile, every secret was worth nothing more than a moment of panicked disdain. Or even less than.

I bent until I broke, and when I dared refused to give or bend anymore, because I simply could not, I was cast out like a soiled pair of underwear with the crotch rotted out.

Thanks.



But I don't hate you, hurt as I truly am, as much as you have staggered me, I'm just saddened and disappointed that you became everything you said you feared and hated.


But I'm still standing.

And more vile and proactive people than you have tried to lay me low, with intent no less, and between me, them and you, the only one who is ever gonna take me out is God himself, or me, and I aim to take the most perfect and righteous form of vengeance out on everyone who has attacked me: I'm gonna fucking keep on swinging.

I'm taking back that quote I gave you, here and now, so take note: You're never beaten, if you never quit.


As the man in the movie once said; "I didn't hear no bell..."