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People always say you should follow your heart, you should listen to yourself, you should always take the action or make the choice that makes you happy, the desire of your innermost being.

The Bible however says the heart is deceitfully wicked Above All Things and only God can know the true heart of a person.
I however, I've come to the conclusion that if both are true or at least somewhere in between is true, then I should listen to my heart and I should think very critically about what it's telling me and that I should likely perhaps do the opposite.

This having been said, my heart it tells me that I should have hope, that I should remain in the relationship, that I should justify the relationship, that I should do whatever it takes to salvage and repair and restore the marriage and I should hold tight to the friendship, that I should fight with all that I am for this continued status, of the loving husband who is also a dear friend.

But I can't do that, because that's what my heart wants as much as it hurts, as much as it takes out of me, as much as it longs for the marriage that we once had or at least the pretenses I was operating under when we were first together, when we were first married. But because I now realize the above having been said already about the deceit, the dishonesty and the ignorance of the heart, if I'm to be both ethical and pragmatic, if I'm to hold true to my ideals, my ethics, and my Doctrine, then I simply cannot do this.

While I yet value the friendship, and I value the history of it, even as I value the depth of it, and moreover I value the longevity of it and lastly I value the intimacy of it or at least what it was "Once Upon a Time" it no longer holds its own weight.

However at this point in time, that aspect like all others in the relationship, has degraded to a point that I do not know if it can be fully or in part, salvaged or saved, but whatever may be saved I do genuinely wish and desire to save and realistically believe is worth saving, however the marriage in and of itself I now question.

More than anything else I question the authenticity, I question the intent and I question the goal.
I cannot in good conscience listen to My Heart in regards to the marriage.
I cannot with any measure or metrics of ethics, pragmatism, realism, objectivity, stoicism or even emotionalism ignore the path that it is taken.
I cannot go on putting myself in such a position as this.

It is why I regrettably, have come to the now inescapable conclusion that at this juncture the marriage is in effect null void and over, legal status notwithstanding, as I am personally incapable of separating romantic attraction from physical intimacy or contact, as I am incapable and unwilling to accept any measure of romance without a physical application or context and as I am currently in such depths of frustration, anger, confusion resentment and despair that I cannot be the best person I can be, that I cannot move forward with becoming a better me and I cannot at this stage with any measure of contention, application or justification continue at this stage or any other beyond this point, be married to a woman who says she loves me with her words then does not example this with any of her actions, her attitudes, her choices or even now increasingly her words or lack thereof.

While it pains me on many levels, the pain itself is nowhere near as substantial as I am led to believe it should be, it is a dull relief rather than a searing piercing anguish that I feel coming to this conclusion, a large part of me is resolved, not yet at peace but resigned in this and content with the mild nature of my reaction to this development and whatever parts of me that do feel anguish and despair are at this stage by my estimation minor and irrelevant.

Perhaps I truly am monstrous, perhaps I truly am far more cold-blooded than anyone could ever imagine.
Perhaps too many years of wearing my heart on my sleeve, of being tender, empathetic, kind and understanding, reasonable and accommodating and then of being punished for this, of being bullied and abused and targeted because of it.
Perhaps it is all culminated now in the cast-iron shell that is built around my person.
Perhaps it is the clarity of age.
Perhaps it is the Spectre of my mortality that grows slowly but surely.
Perhaps it is simply experience tempered with wisdom, knowledge, understanding and curiosity that could have forged this armor upon me, isolated me and my heart from the greater impact and the potentially devastating fallout of this decision, perhaps maybe I am both more worthy and less worthy of that which I desire.

Who knows for sure, I do not but it is irrelevant whether I know it or understand it, I can only acknowledge it for what it is and for whatever undercurrents of sorrow there may be, such prevailing of the winds upon of my person, of my soul and the impulse incorrect of my heart, bring me to the conclusion that it is not I who has changed so radically, it is I who has grown slowly unwittingly unknowingly, it is I who have come to greater understanding with myself and the world that has brought about this acceptance, for it is not I who has so radically transformed myself, it is not I who has operated either with knowledge or in ignorance, with purpose and intent or by happenstance, with deception dishonesty or an inauthentic mindset, but it is you.

And for that you do have my pity and my sympathy and even my understanding, but you do not have my leave to continue this behavior directed at me and for that, any pain that this causes you, I truly and fully regret. But I also ask that you remember with clarity, I've only given you what you asked for, I can only pointedly remind you to remember, that you wanted this.

I have sacrificed much of myself, for your benefit, even things I did not intend, and even things that were not necessary, all for you, and your good, even in ignorance, I have given up many things for you.

For now at the very least, I do not intend to wound, I do not intend to harm, I have only ever wanted what was best, what was good, what was kind and what was necessary for you, but I can no longer say that you intend the same for me. Your selfishness which I have watched you battle for the entirety of the time I've known you, has now seemingly won out.

So is it not fair play for it to turn about for me to finally be just a little bit selfish on my own behalf? I do not think anyone would argue against that, at the very moment I certainly cannot.

In all candor, for the longest time I could not imagine my life without you in it, but now... I find I have a hard time imagining my life with you at all.

And that, if I am honest, is what hurts the most of all.