The First; a highly biased yet thoughtfully crafted, creative interpretation of an imagined reply built upon a long and arduously researched analysis using a number of documents and sources, for the purpose of catharsis in the face of rampant cowardice and pointed betrayal.
The Second; my own thoughts washed through the filter of hindsight and time, and if I am honest, just a little bit of booze, depression, self-loathing and good old fashioned cast-iron stubborn grit in the face of my own odd reticence.
The end of this blog is coming soon, so why not precede the epilogue with an emotive flashback?
~~~
Do you know, my love,
How much I love you today?
[What again? / I told you every single day, even when you made me question it.]
How it is so much more in comparison than the day before?
[You never shut up about it but never bother to show me in ways I want, even when I make you guess what they are / I never stopped loving you, even as it now tears at me to the point of an all consuming numbness at your apparent disdain or hatred of me, stunting my affection and desire.]
Do you know, my love,
How much I miss you?
[God, I can't take it when you're gone, but I can't stand it when you're around. / I still can't understand how a person can make another feel so alone, even when in the same room. And if I ever did that to you, then I can't even start to explain how that thought guts me.]
How much it hurts, inside and out, to be without your touch?
[I can't be bothered to overcome my damage and meet you halfway any more, but I'll make sure to punish you for making me feel neglected no matter what. / Why would you knowingly deny me something I told you was so elemental to who I am? Intermittent reinforcement is abusive in ways no one fully understands, but experts equate to creating an addict. How self-absorbed can you be?]
Do you know, my love,
How much I care for you?
[You better, because almost no one else will put up with my shit long term, but don't expect me to look kindly on yours forever. / Was giving up on, delaying or literally selling pieces of me and my dreams really not good enough for you?]
How much I worry for your wellbeing and happyness in all things?
[I don't care what you've lost or given up or what you put yourself through for me anymore, I don't know what the fuck I want, but I want it now and I am tired of everything you've given me not measuring up to what others have. / I guess running myself into the ground, putting myself in harms way, and self-immolating my sanity and happiness to keep you alive when you have no one else who actually gives a shit about you and/or can/will do anything about is somehow selfish. I wish you had been that kind of selfish with me now.]
Do you know, my love,
How many my thoughts are, for you and what you do and where you go?
[If I don't hear from you constantly or you don't instantly respond to me, I freak out and guilt trip you, or berate you like an idiot dog, because my feelings are more important, but don't expect me to return the favor when you feel the same way or respect you for it. / If I could have gotten away with spending every waking moment with you, I would have. But the real world is not conducive to the romantic ideals of idiot teenagers. I thought we were better than that. I thought you were better than that.]
Do you know, my love,
How much I want you?
[Anything more than hugging is a micro-aggression and a product of the patriarchy that want's me to be barefoot and pregnant, and that's all you want from me anyways. / It's hard not to grow to resent someone who gets pissy at you for hugging them close for more than ten seconds, when you feel physically ill from being touch starved by the very same person who you are emotionally closest to.]
To hold you, and kiss you, and to pour out my affections upon you right now?
[I hate myself for loving it when you physically dominate me, to the point I'm willing to discount your feelings and needs because I'm scared the ideology I've had shoved up my ass for the last two years won't hold up under the weight of you fucking me into submission again. / If I could package the levels of longing, frustration, need and distress you put me through for the same 2 years, into a weapon, I could wipe the whole west coast of North America off the map in a single shot.]
Do you know, my love,
How much I need you?
[I don't care because I'm unhappy with who I am, mostly because between myself and the people I listen to, I don't know who I am or how to change and it doesn't matter how many times you tell me what you see in me, it is easier to give into my fears and nature and not believe you. / You used to make it worthwhile for me to drag my ass outta bed every day (and stay in it with you) but now your lack of focus and empathy expose how selfish you really are, which is far more than you ever thought or claimed.]
In my life, in my arms, and in my heart?
[I don't know any more. Even in the face of you telling and showing me for nearly ten years straight. / I never thought that you completed me, but I always felt like you filled in a lot of gaps, and soothed a lot of the hurts I had. If I'm ever able to let someone else get so close to me again, it will be a litteral fucking miracle or act of God.]
Do you know, my love,
How thankful I am?
[If I don't care or feel like it, does it even matter? / My gratitude was absolute, even if I was not always very good at expressing it or explaining it. Now I don't know why I ever bothered to try.]
That we met, that we are best friends, that we are lovers, that our hearts are inertwined, that you are my other half?
[Whatever I felt, doesn't matter now, and whatever you felt matters even less. / You were what I needed, when I needed it, even when I didn't realize I needed it. You were my best friend, the one person I trusted more deeply than any other on earth, and I could see, and feel the connection between us as if it was a tangible thing. Lie to yourself all you want but it was real damn you.]
Do you know, my love,
That I am so much more now, than I would be otherwise?
[You're less than, you're a childish abusive egotistical monster, selfish and ignorant, my family and the people I trust implicitly all say so, they were all right about you. / You once provoked me to be better than I was, you motivated me to know myself better, to push myself to dream again, to be a man, for myself, for you, and for us. It kept me sane, and alive whenever the darkness would sink it's hooks into me and try to drag me down, it healed my soul when it was bleeding out from the damage of others and this catastrophic event known as life would beat me down to a pulp. You made me dig deeper, believe that I could be a good man, a hero, even if only for you.]
Do you know, my love,
That I love you more than these words could ever properly express?
[I don't care anymore, your words mean nothing to me, your actions even less, all I care about is how I feel, what I've been told it means, I don't care if you misspeak, or struggle to articulate yourself, I'm tired of digging below the surface. / I never knew if you fully understood what all went on inside of me, all I ever really knew is that I would try, and you seemed to respond to the effort. Right up until you stopped responding at all, with anything other this exasperation and disgust.]
I know, and you know, and no matter what anyone else says or thinks or knows, we know, deep within our hearts, and that is all that matters.
[It doesn't matter anymore, I've made my choice, and I'm done with you. / You can believe all of the shit others tell you, ignore what you know is true, blind yourself to what has happened, to what we shared, what we had together, all that you want. But in the end, you are not likely to find lasting peace in mortgaging someone else's emotions and investments for what you think you want or need, based on the words of others who don't really know you, and have not seen you or poured into your life or cared about you, for as long as I have, in the way I have. We both know this, but it seems only I can still admit it.]
Live, Love, Endure,
~Caleb
~~~
There it is.
The thing is... The person you spend the most time on, is the person you care about most.
Right up until you left me, that person was always you Kristen.
But for you, even before you actually left me, that person clearly wasn't me.
You and I both know who it is.
Take from that, and my previous comments, what you will, that is if your head is on straight enough for you to not be freaked out by everything outside of your control again.
[Original Post: https://calebs-eyes.blogspot.com/2012/02/st-valentines-day.html]
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