The Road So Far...

To date, I have only ever loved 3 women.

I should preface this by saying that I have only ever loved, in any meaningful way, two girls and a girl who became a woman along side me, as I became a man.
And I loved that woman, in a way, to an extent, and with a depth and passion, I had thought impossible, and what is more, I still, in some unnamed and indefinable way, still love that woman, in ways words cannot hope to capture or express, even if now, I am to understand that she no longer does, or can love me back.

Its a helleva thing.

But more towards the point, comparing a breakup with a divorce, is childish, if only because the orders of magnitude that separate them are so vast, that the only reasonable comparison I can draw, is to compare a rock to an atomic warhead.
Both will kill you, both are solid, weighty things, but the level of complexity, the depth of effort, and the damage that can be done when used, while the same in the end result, are rather much removed one from the other when you look at the process, and manner in which they work.

A rock is a simple thing, and can be used for more than just killing, but the ability to transfer simple, brutal, blunt kinetic force, makes it a very direct implement suited for a very direct and simple method that takes an effort that likely should be repeated until the result is achieved.

A nuclear warhead however... That is clearly something else altogether.
It works on a great number of levels, the most practical of which entails not even using it, but having it at your command. The old term used for that was called "MAD" for Mutually Assured Destruction. The idea being that no matter who started a full scale war, everyone lost.

And while many may attempt to frame Divorce as liberating, or even necessary (where it in truth does apply) no one ever seems to fully grasp or communicate the depth of what it may possibly be for someone: total annihilation of the heart and mind.

Now I will not take the time just yet to list or break down the pros and cons of marriage (or even relationships as a whole, as they are related but distinct things) right here and now, nor will I comment with any commitment upon the whole "Manosphere" / "Red Pill" / "MGTOW" matter, as while I have been exposed and have researched them, and am as of yet undecided on their validity, I will attempt to explain where I myself am at right here and now given the looming specter that now rests less than a week away from me upon the road before me.


Alright, ready? Okay...


I have no fucking clue.

None.

None at all.

Not a single damned clue.

Nothing at all outside of profound disappointment, substantial confusion and rampant undefined and inconsistent depression.

I have a terribly incomplete picture of how I got here. I am missing some very key details on what exactly happened, and when exactly it took place.

I know that events happened to me, around me, and because of me, but as to the exacting effects, I could not say with any clarity. I know I made mistakes, I made some poor choices, even if some of them were to not make any choices or take any actions at all.
I know choices were made by others, but I'll be fucked if I know when or WHY these people have made their choices.

Oh I have details, bits and pieces of information, and a wealth of post action physiological analysis that lead me to understand in part, what has provoked behaviours and responses, I have plenty of philosophical data as well, that frames some things rather nicely.

But it's like trying to take a photograph with a filter that blocks out one of the 3 primary colors.
I can see the damn picture, but it's bizarre and deformed and missing key pieces that making fully comprehensible.

As such, I know my findings are biased, incomplete and likely unfair, yet I cannot come to any other reasonable conclusion. And it as much as the situation (and some of the people attached to it) is what aggravates me.

But I'm still breathing, and there is a road ahead I must survive before I can pick a new one.

I just don't want a new road, even though at this point, I know I likely will never be able to get back to the road I thought I was on. And mores the pity for it I guess.
That or I was more the fool to think I was heading the way I thought I was.

But if there is one thing the road has taught me in my experience it is this: it's usually some combination thereof.

All I can do, is just carry on until the end.