The Final Countdown

Within the next 72 hours, I will be Divorced.


10+ years invested, thousands of dollars, millions of minutes, secrets, dark deep and perfectly hidden, shared and bartered, trust, vulnerability and intimacy on a level never before achieved, things given and taken that can never be recovered, untracked miles, uncounted words, and not anywhere near enough contact, touches, or glances shared, a central point of my whole world.

The foundations of a lifetime...

All of it, gone.

What the hell happened to us?
What happened to you?
You were my best friend.
You were my wife.
What the hell do you think happened that night?
What changed?
Why did you stop choosing me, why did you choose to end us?


For the record, if it has not been abundantly clear; I never wanted this. This is not what I signed up for, and the only reason it's happening with so little resistance from me, is because I am simply too burned out to fight someone who was meant to be my greatest ally anymore. I'm giving her what she wants. What she has asked for. Because in the end... Just like with every other girl I have ever loved, I could never really say no to her.
Not without hating myself for it. Strange it is for me, to say yes, and hate myself even more.

I don't honestly know what is next for me. I have a few new work options I am looking at, I still have the infamous "5 year plan" that includes me going back to school at last, abit rather much modified now.

I still have, for now at least, my health, some shred of my sanity, such as it ever is or was, and a few bucks stashed away (a VERY FEW) and I have a few dreams and ideas still.

What I lack right now, for the first time in so very long, is any real sense of self, direction or motivation, even if I wholelly have the desire to get up and go do something with myself right now, no matter if I have not the faintest fucking idea as to what that would be.

Maybe I just stick it out for a few here, gather some more resources and then move onto something new or different, without uprooting myself wholesale.

Maybe the wilds of the open road are truly what I need, something so familiar yet still new, to give me fresh perspective. Knowing me, the line I once wrote for a song, will still hold true; "every road I take, leads me home," but where now is my home?

Where my heart is? What heart? I don't have a heart anymore. It was stolen away, and never returned, and the heart I got in trade, has now been taken back as well. I am right now, in a word, heartless.

Maybe then, that is the point. Maybe, I have stayed tied down to this arena for too long. But at one stage, I had a dream, to leave Texas, my home, my land, my birthright, and go west into the mountains, into the untamed wilds, to share the next adventure with my love, my heart.

No more.

To borrow my all time favorite quote from likely my all time favorite Book Series: "Here now I stand, and I can do none other."

I may wander for a season, but I always seem to find a place to stand.

Not here, not now, but one day, somewhere, I'll stand.

And whomever you, oh reader mine, may be, you can come and do as you will.
I'll be waiting, but with a promise, and warning:

God Forgives, God Forgets. but I can only afford the former.
God has mercy for you, I however do not.
If you come for good, you must earn it.
If you come for evil, you already have it.
If you doubt this, you are welcome to test me at your convenience and my discretion.

This is my way, and I'll not yield it to another, ever again.

The Road So Far...

To date, I have only ever loved 3 women.

I should preface this by saying that I have only ever loved, in any meaningful way, two girls and a girl who became a woman along side me, as I became a man.
And I loved that woman, in a way, to an extent, and with a depth and passion, I had thought impossible, and what is more, I still, in some unnamed and indefinable way, still love that woman, in ways words cannot hope to capture or express, even if now, I am to understand that she no longer does, or can love me back.

Its a helleva thing.

But more towards the point, comparing a breakup with a divorce, is childish, if only because the orders of magnitude that separate them are so vast, that the only reasonable comparison I can draw, is to compare a rock to an atomic warhead.
Both will kill you, both are solid, weighty things, but the level of complexity, the depth of effort, and the damage that can be done when used, while the same in the end result, are rather much removed one from the other when you look at the process, and manner in which they work.

A rock is a simple thing, and can be used for more than just killing, but the ability to transfer simple, brutal, blunt kinetic force, makes it a very direct implement suited for a very direct and simple method that takes an effort that likely should be repeated until the result is achieved.

A nuclear warhead however... That is clearly something else altogether.
It works on a great number of levels, the most practical of which entails not even using it, but having it at your command. The old term used for that was called "MAD" for Mutually Assured Destruction. The idea being that no matter who started a full scale war, everyone lost.

And while many may attempt to frame Divorce as liberating, or even necessary (where it in truth does apply) no one ever seems to fully grasp or communicate the depth of what it may possibly be for someone: total annihilation of the heart and mind.

Now I will not take the time just yet to list or break down the pros and cons of marriage (or even relationships as a whole, as they are related but distinct things) right here and now, nor will I comment with any commitment upon the whole "Manosphere" / "Red Pill" / "MGTOW" matter, as while I have been exposed and have researched them, and am as of yet undecided on their validity, I will attempt to explain where I myself am at right here and now given the looming specter that now rests less than a week away from me upon the road before me.


Alright, ready? Okay...


I have no fucking clue.

None.

None at all.

Not a single damned clue.

Nothing at all outside of profound disappointment, substantial confusion and rampant undefined and inconsistent depression.

I have a terribly incomplete picture of how I got here. I am missing some very key details on what exactly happened, and when exactly it took place.

I know that events happened to me, around me, and because of me, but as to the exacting effects, I could not say with any clarity. I know I made mistakes, I made some poor choices, even if some of them were to not make any choices or take any actions at all.
I know choices were made by others, but I'll be fucked if I know when or WHY these people have made their choices.

Oh I have details, bits and pieces of information, and a wealth of post action physiological analysis that lead me to understand in part, what has provoked behaviours and responses, I have plenty of philosophical data as well, that frames some things rather nicely.

But it's like trying to take a photograph with a filter that blocks out one of the 3 primary colors.
I can see the damn picture, but it's bizarre and deformed and missing key pieces that making fully comprehensible.

As such, I know my findings are biased, incomplete and likely unfair, yet I cannot come to any other reasonable conclusion. And it as much as the situation (and some of the people attached to it) is what aggravates me.

But I'm still breathing, and there is a road ahead I must survive before I can pick a new one.

I just don't want a new road, even though at this point, I know I likely will never be able to get back to the road I thought I was on. And mores the pity for it I guess.
That or I was more the fool to think I was heading the way I thought I was.

But if there is one thing the road has taught me in my experience it is this: it's usually some combination thereof.

All I can do, is just carry on until the end.