Here it is folks, the last planned entry here, the final commentary, a final blog post to put a pin into the map, a headstone over my finally dead and buried youth, and all of it's enthusiasm and foolishness and naivety.
With this final collection of keystrokes, I dump the last shovel full of dirt upon the grave of the romantic, tender and awestruck boy turned young man, who stumbled ever onwards towards a lofty goal set before him by not only himself, but his family, friends, religion, culture and society, and yet all for what?
That is really now the central question, the point of this blog at it's founding, a blind and possibly narcissistic if not at least self serving effort to try and articulate both for self, and for public consumption, the storm of thoughts and emotions birthed by this life, this personality, and this journey that has been if nothing else, the catalyst by which everything else has come about, and now congeals into who and/or what I am now.
How strange it is that something like 9, nearly 10 years later, the questions, both unspoken and published, still remain, in some form or fashion, the answers once thought to be had, are now crumbling away to dust, the lessons and observations and reasoning much better defined, but apparently no better applied. To borrow an expression, the software has been upgraded but the hardware is still the same.
There are a great many things I could say, most of them would be a repeat of what has already been put down here, names and places may have changed, but the basic theme seems to hold true.
To that end, I once more underline that I have never made any claims to greatness, or infallibility or perfection, in fact the only claims I have ever actually made, are very much on the other end of the gradient and yet accusations to the contrary abound for reasons I still cannot understand.
All I know for sure is what I see, and my judgments and reactions are based upon this limited knowledge and for nothing else but clarity and fairness, I openly accept that there is much hidden from me, and that my impressions are likely unfair and flawed. Even so we as humans have adapted to working with incomplete information, and as such whatever estimates I make are just that; my own reading of a situation based upon my perspective, my experience, what I know or think I know.
Be it some slow burn long game of hypergamy, a sudden shifting in personality due to medications, the apparent subtle manipulations of a miserable codependent person seeking to live vicariously through another, my own failings due to ignorance and weakness, the sudden self discovery born of arrested development, or some combination of any or all of the above, there was a failure of trust, and a series of choices made, most of which were beyond my direct control or influence, and they ended up robbing me of my best friend, my marriage, of my joy, my time, my money, my peace of mind and my heart.
And yet, I'm still somehow upright, I'm still here, and contrary to popular opinion, I'm still sane as I ever was.
Why?
Because fucking fuck you, you lousy fucking fucks, that's why enough for me.
And so now, onwards to the next book, the next stage, the next level, the next thing, whatever the fucking hell it is gonna be, I don't rightly know, and for the moment, I don't exactly care, because I know I'm not ready, but that has never stopped me before, and if anything is in fact constant, then it is this simple hard pressed and unchanging truth: I am the most stubborn, hard headed, knuckle dragging sonofabitch I've ever met, and if I quit something (or someone) then it's because I have well and truly had enough. And so, it is now enough. It is now time for the next thing, new or not.
It is time I go my own way, whatever way that may be.
This calls for a song.
So here ya go Kristen, this last track, is for you. I know it's one you know well, hope you don't mind if at last, I sing along this time...
Thanks for the time, this has been and shall forever be, yours truly, The Caleb Mac, signing off.
